Ok, so I'm not a good blogger friend lately and unfortunately it is probably not going to change in the near future. PLEASE if you have some really good news or something interesting...email me because I probably/more than likely won't get to keeping up with everyone else's blogs...I've just got to get some things straight in my own world.

And Dear Blogger Friend whom I am meeting for Lunch on Friday...I can't wait! Let's keep in touch after the 1st!

What a morning we had...

Hitting = bloody nose for me

kicking = bruised shins for me

spitting = slap in the face for her while i was trying to block the spit from hitting my face

swearing = vinegar to the swearer when she got home

phone call to hubby = either come get her or I'm calling social services to come get her = Emilee begging for 1 more chance to be good.

He came and got her.

I'm going to kill you tonight - I hate you - You're mean - I'm going to kill you tonight - I hate you - You're mean - You are a F***ing A** Mom! = a new cd player for me and a really cool Hannah Montana cd and lots of other cool new christmas presents that are currently taken away.

This all took place in the waiting room of the dentist office AFTER she had her teeth cleaned.

Yep - a "normal" day in my life. DO I trust to leave her home with a babysitter tonight???

Perm Plan

or should I say "Child and Family Team Meeting" (minus the child as they are not allowed to attend). What a dumb name...anyways...

for the first time this meeting lasted 1 1/2 hrs when it is supposed to last 30 minutes. I had a page of notes on each kid. I felt bad that everything on the list was negative but that is life right now. Unfortunately, there really isn't anything positive to say about either kid.

So here's the jist of what was decided:

1. I need to call the clinic and get JP in for a med checkup.

2. I need to call the office where Emilee goes and try to get JP in to see the same psychiatrist that Emilee is scheduled to see Jan 15.

3. I need to call the respite home where the kids went in Nov and see if they will agree to watch the kids everyother Sat or Sun for the day to give us a scheduled break and so it's part of the routine for the kids.

4. N, our partnership program lady, will set up a meeting for the end of Jan with the "team" and include the school and psychiatrist.

5. I need to fill out some form to see if we can get some more money for the kids on a monthly basis. (Before anyone jumps on me...we DO NOT do this for the money. The point in this is that I am in jeapordy of losing my job from being gone so much. These kids are a lot of work and if we can get more of a monthly subsidy for them, I can easier afford to quit my job before I am fired. In NOV I was gone 14 days from work. In Dec (not counting my meeting today or the kids' dentist appts on Monday) I have had 16 days with appts from being gone anywhere from 2 1/2 hrs to all day.

6. I have been told to check into PATH as that would get us more money and more support/training for dealing with the kids' behaviors and again allow for me to possibly be a SAHM and be free to run them to their MANY appts on a daily basis. This would also add another case worker to my already long list.

7.Hubby and I need to discuss whether we want a case aide (i.e. Path Parent) to take Emilee for a few hours a few different days a month for another sort of respite care.

8. Hubby and I need to discuss if we want intensive in home therapy (ummm when would this fit into our schedule??? I have no clue). This would be another appt on my calendar even though they would come in the evenings to our home...when??? We get home at 6:30-7:00pm and the kids are in bed at 7:30pm???

9. Transportation help was talked about. Our county won't do it because the kids are not from this county. THey want the kids' county to pay our county in order to do it and even then our county kids would take precidence (?sp) over my kids. AKA...they wouldn't ever help anyways and the transportation lady is old and I really can't stand her anyways...so would this really be a help to me??? NOt sure.

10. There is a child psychiatrist that would be good for the kids to see vs the one here in town. The prob...this psych is 60 miles away so that's more time off work and more time in the vehicle burning $3.00/gal gas and getting a wopping $30 reimbursement from MA for each trip. That barely pays the gas let alone any wear and tear on my vehicle or lost wages, etc. Something we are supposed to talk about as a couple. (Yep another thing for ME to do)

11. Adoption was discussed. I made it VERY clear that there will be NO DISCUSSION on adoption for a LONG time. There are FAR TOO MANY issues with these kids and if ADOPTION is what they want in the near future, they need to move these kids. Adoption discussion was dropped! (What does that tell you...they know they would have a hard time finding a home to take these kids)

There were a few other minor things discussed as well. Did you notice that a lot of things were things that I need to take care of? Yep, thanks for all the support!

How much more????

Daycare called. Emilee is using the F word left and right today. Daycare said she's heard of this side to Emilee but never seen it herself...until today that is.

Hubby called. Van has a flat tire. No big deal. I decide to take a lunch hour (it was 2:20pm) and take him an air tank to air it up so he can change it and I can bring it back to work to have it repaired so Hubby can put it back on the van tonight. Then work tells me they are not sure they can fix the tire. UGH! Not that I have any special tires on it or anything but they did cost $115 a piece and that was just the end of June that we put new tires on the van.

****************UPDATE*************** Tire is NOT fixable. New one can't be here until Friday at the earliest. Price has gone up. Not much, but enough. 80 miles/day on a donut...yep..that's safe.


Mom called. 1. Uncle (mom's only brother) was in ICU last Sat night. Diabetic coma. Aunt went to console a mom whose son was killed in a car accident (icy roads, speeding, no seatbelt = rollover = dead at 24 yrs old). Terrible thing but COME ON - YOUR HUSBAND IS SICK!!! HE SHOULD BE YOUR FIRST RESPONSIBILITY! By the time they took him to the ER, his blood sugar was 1500. He is now blind. Out of ICU, but on 4 insulin shots a day and they can't get it under control. Mom and her bro don't have a good relationship but they are the only 2 kids. It still put a damper on the weekend. Mom called to tell me that she gave my aunt and my 2 cousins on that side of the family all my contact info incase something happens in the next 5 days. (Mommy & Daddy are going on a mini winter vacation with some friends...good for them...she needs some stress relief!). 2. Gma (mom's mom) is sick with bronchitis. Not getting any better. Been on antibiotics for 5 days now and still not good. Can I check in on her a couple times a day (by phone - she lives 60 miles away at mommy and daddy's farm). Yep I can do that. Also, gave gma's special friend (aka boyfriend but no one will admit it) all my contact info too. Thanks mom. I can handle it. Have a good trip!

So....at what point do I breathe in the next 5 days???

Oh I forgot one more "HAPPY" moment

I had ordered hubby some remote control toys online for his present. I knew he'd LOVE them. Well, they came. One broken. Reordered. Came on Monday. AWESOME! NOT. It was broken too.

Although this is out of my control...I still feel horrible. Hubby was a good sport. He didn't care. He loved the idea...so why do I still feel like I failed?

Trying to explain

Ok I will try to explain the last few days in a nutshell...

Friday night...left home at 6:40pm headed to my brother's house in South Dakota. A normal approx 2 hr drive. From the time the pickup was moved outside the garage to the time we got in the pickup it had started sleeting/freezing rain. We left anyways. After talking to my sil, it was just cold and windy in their town so we decided to keep going. After about 15 miles on the interstate and 6 cars and 1 semi in the ditch, and people passing us like we were standing still (we were only going 25-30mph) we decided to take the back roads. About 2 hrs into the trip we were somewhere between No Man's Land and The End of the Earth (aka, I have NO CLUE exactly where we were at the time) we pulled over to let the string of cars behind us go past. Well we ended up backing into a light pole that we didn't see due to the snow/wind. Yep, couldn't even see the light on the top of the pole. And we were dumb enough to be out driving in it! But by the time the rain had switched to snow and the wind had come up, we didn't have much choice - either turn around and go back home or hope we would drive out of it soon as it was still not doing ANYTHING at the town we were going to. We FINALLY drove out of the bad weather about 50 miles from our destination and at 10:20pm, we arrived. Crabby Hubby, Crabby Jody and VERY CRABBY KIDS!

Sat we celebrated Christ.mas with my family. Other than my very weird brother and his wife and their 3 1/2 yr old son who is not potty trained and does not eat solid food, the day went pretty well. I was able to get online and lurk thru a couple blogs until my sister "caught" me. She then saw that I had a blog and that is reason #1 that I went private. She got my address. I have crabbed about her on here and I don't need her seeing that. I like the fact that NOONE IRL knows about this blog. No friends, no family, noone. This way I can feel free to say what I want and not worry about hurting someone's feelings. Sat night Emilee had a "normal" temper tantrum directed at me and my bro and sil got to witness it and how much it gets to me. I felt bad. I know it was a strange house but it's not like it was the first night there. She did fine Friday night. She just didn't want to go to bed because we weren't going to bed (it was already 9:30pm).

Sun - we traveled home with no big issues and got home mid afternoon.

Mon - day went ok. Night..well that's a different story. JP wouldn't go to bed. He cried, he screamed, he yelled, he hit. (Hmmm have you heard that before? just a different kiddo) He finally fell asleep at about 10pm. Then SAN.TA had to do his thing quickly and we went to bed. At 12midnight JP got up and went to the bathroom. No big deal. Then he decided to stand outside Emilee's door and say "Emilee"..."Emilee"..."Emilee". So hubby got up and shushed him and told him to go back to bed. THen he layed in his bed yelling and screaming. So he brought him to our room. He then sat on the floor next to our bed yelling and screaming about wanting a drink of water. He got one. Then he wanted more. Then something to eat...come on kid...it's the middle of the night. You can wait until morning. So there we sat. At 3am Emilee woke up due to the noise. I went to her room to calm her down. She was VERY worried that SAN.TA wouldn't come because JP was awake. I promised her that if she went back to sleep that SAN.TA would still come. She did as she was asked to do. Hubby and I dosed off and on but how much can you sleep with a 5 yr old sitting at the edge of your bed making weird noises???? He never did go to sleep.

Tues am Emilee got up and came in to see if SAN.TA had come. He did. She got to open her gifts. JP got to open A gift from SAN.TA as he must have come back and took a present back after seeing how JP was acting in the night because I'm sure he would have kept it even and given them both 2 presents had they both been good! JP spent the day in his room resting (and yet he still NEVER fell asleep). We spent the day resting. Emilee spent the day in her room listening to her new CD player and Hann.ah Mont.ana cd that SAN.TA had brought her. Last night was no better for JP. He's overtired. I'm not sure what his problem is. All I know is that I can't deal with it. He told me this morning that he wants to go back to Donny & Conny's house. I screwed up. I told him that they didn't want him back and that is why he is with us. It's the truth but probably not what he needed to be told. Then again..I don't care. (My therapy appt on the 3rd is not getting here soon enough!)

That gets us to today. The pickup is here in the shop. Damage (at my employee rate) is not too bad. If you can figure $900 not too bad. That's with parts at cost and 25% discount on labor. It could be a LOT worse! for a stickin' pole! The kiddo's are at daycare. JP in a pullup becuase he peed in his bed last night. I feel a little guilty as the only pull-ups we have left are princess ones but oh well. With his mood lately, I don't need daycare calling me to say he peed in his pants or all over her house and needs to be picked up or brought dry clothes. He also has orders to take a morning nap and an afternoon nap.

Here's some pics of our lovely pickup.

A short break

Freezing Rain...Snow...0 visibility==== damaged pickup = $1300 minimum to fix...my guess.

Having a blast of a time...NOT!

Have & Safe & Happy Holiday

I just wanted to wish everyone a Safe and Happy Holiday. If you are traveling...be careful and watch out for the other person!

Oh and do me afavor..I won't be near a computer until Next Wed...so let's keep the blogging to a minimum so I don't have so much to catch up on, ok??? LOL!

So much to say...So little time

Ok I know you have all been wondering what it was that happened this week.

The short version is:

Emilee decided she didn't want to be in school on Tuesday and nobody was going to make her so she decided to hide out in the bathroom. The teacher found her and told her to go back to class and according to her that day...NO ONE was going to tell her what to do and also "Emilee" was not her name. Her name is "McKenzie". For a while now when she gets extremely upset, she has been using this at home too. I'm not sure where she got the name "McKenzie" from but when she says it..her eyes are totally blank and it makes us think she means it. Anyways, after finally returning to the classroom she threatened the teacher and was removed from class by the principal. At home Tuesday night, things were not good either. That led to the emergency appt with her therapist. And an appt schedule with a med doc to try and get her on some sort of mood stabilizer until we can get in to see a Psychiatrist in Jan.

Ok that about covers it in short form.

**On a side note...I'm sooo peeved at our local sw and her office right now. I'm trying to find SOMEONE who could go get Emilee from School (30 miles from where I work) and bring her to town as I have a meeting at work and I don't want to miss it. Then I can take her to the doc and THEY WON'T DO IT! She's not technically "their" kid as she's from a different county...so they won't transport. UGH! Now what do i do??? Just when I was starting to feel better...this gets thrown at me...I just may cancel her appt...I don't know what else i can do?

***********************

Today I spoke with the lady from the Partnership Program. She is supposed to be support for HUbby and I. She called me yesterday when we were leaving therapy and I couldn't talk much cause Emilee was in the car with me so she said she would call me today. Her first question to me was, "How are YOU doing thru all this?" My response?"HOnestly, not good". and then the tears started flowing AGAIN! I did tell her that I had made an appt with a therapist (Jan 3 for all you out there!) and she said that was great. We made small talk for a little while and then went on to what we needed to discuss.

I also told Hubby today that I was going to start seeing someone. Guess what he said??? I think that's a good idea - you've really been a beeatch lately. Hmmm thanks dear! But he's right and I can't fault him for telling me the truth and at least he wasn't like, "You don't need to do that...just talk to me" like he was for a while there. This morning getting the kids ready went VERY well. I just kind of felt at peace. I think making the actual phone call was VERY stressful for me. Now that that is done, I can mark that off my list of things to do. I'm actually making progress already!!!

Now my question to you out there who are also seeing a therapist. What should I bring with me to the first appointment?

Appt

Emergency Therapy appt @ 2pm today.


*********Updated***********
we are back from therapy. Some possible diagnoses were discussed just in small talk between the therapist and I. His first comment was my first thought and that is scary that I am already thinking along the same lines as a therapist and I'm so new to this sort of thing. As for any help..she refused to talk to him as she knew she was going to daycare when we were done there and she wanted to go hold the babies at daycare. Well sorry dear...but I put a stop to that. I told her that I did not want her holding babies or carrying babies at daycare. She asked me why. I told her because until her behaviors improve and she can recognize when she isn't feeling well...I don't feel that the babies would be safe. I told daycare the same thing and she agreed. I'm such a mean mom!

I Lost it this morning

After a morning of dirty looks and talking back...I lost it.

Me: Emilee come here.

Em: (Staring at me)

Me: I'm not birth mom

Em: I know that. (extremely snotty tone to her voice)

Me: I know birth mom hurt you. I know you are angry at her. I know you love her. That is all normal. You need to remember that I'm not her though. I'm not going to hurt you. But I can not have you treating me this way. You have lied to people. You have told them that I hurt you. I have had to talk to the cops (ok - CPS but she wouldn't have understood who that was) because of these lies. I have NEVER hurt you. I will NEVER hurt you. But this is me and daddy's house. OUR rules will be followed in this house. If you CHOOSE to not follow OUR rules, YOUR choices may lead to you not being safe in this house. Is that what you want?

Em: (just staring at me)

Me: (crying) I love you Emilee. I will ALWAYS LOVE you! You behaviors won't change how much I LOVE YOU! BUT, I need to be safe in my home. Daddy needs to be safe in his home. Jacob needs to be safe in this home. You need to be safe in this home. You need to quit blaming everyone else. You need to somehow let me in to help you. I only want what is best for you and Jacob. And we can't go on like we are.

Em: giving me a big hug and telling me she's sorry. Mommy..don't cry.

Ok. that's the abreviated discussion from this morning. I said a lot that I probably shouldn't have said but I'm at my breaking point. I can't do this much longer. I can't have my name drug thru the mud for this little girl anymore.

****Note...I've made the call for therapy. Now I just have to wait for them to call me back to schedule an appointment.

Things have taken a turn for the worse

Right now I'm not comfortable writing but Emilee has taken a HUGE turn for the worse today in school. I'm unsure how long she will be able to remain safe in our home. Please pray for us!

Yondalla wrote:

But... you know ... if it were me, I think I would also feel a little pissed that she was being so wonderful at school and such a little terror at home. I mean, I would understand that it was all about attachment, that it was safe for her to be good at school because she wasn't "in danger" of forming a real, honest, deep emotional connection, so she wan't terrified all the time.

I would understand.

But I would be annoyed and maybe jealous too.

You are exactly write...but remember...the last post was a HAPPY post so I left all those feelings out! You are a smart woman!

**********updated (ok I'm adding my negative points about the Happy News from last night)
Ok so I have a little more time now. The comment about "being so wonderful at school"...but she ISN'T!!!! She has been home since the SUnday after turkey day. Out of 12 1/2 days of school (she was sick 1 day, therapy 1/2 day and then misc doc apts 1 day) she has brought home a note depicting her behavior in school AT LEAST 9 of those 12 days. So why was she chosen as Star Student???? I have NO IDEA!!! Unless they are somehow trying to reward her and hoping her behavior will improve because of it???? If that's it...I hate to tell them...it won't work! Been there done that! Ok, I'm stepping off my pedestal now and going back to giving her the benefit of the doubt and being HAPPY for my daughter!

Happy News

Ok so I blog a lot about how "bad" the kids are and last night when I got home we got some good news from Emilee. She has been chosen as the STAR STUDENT for December. WOW! WAY TO GO EMILEE! We had to finish some questions/statements about her...

My favorite subject is....
I am proud of myself because....
When I grow up I want to be ....
People like me because...
and there were a couple more that I can't remember now.

Then we had to choose 6 pictures of Emilee and/or her family(us) for her to take to display at school. That was fun. I would like to get a picture of the bulletin board where they are displaying it.

I'm so proud to be her mom!

Depressed (again)

I'm really not having a good day. Yesterday JP got up on the wrong side of the bed. It lasted ALL DAY! Sat night was family movie night as the kids had had a good day with Hubby (since Emilee was gone 3 hrs to a friend's house - she didn't have much time to get into trouble) and it was so cold we didn't want to go see the HOliday Train in town. It was almost 9pm before they got to bed. From the way yesterday went...family movie night will NOT happen again or at least not to the point where they stay up late...it will start at 5pm so they get to bed on time.

Hubby's brother brought Em's homework from Friday down yesterday morning. (Why he didn't call sooner so we could have went and got it from him I have no clue...but that's a whole different post). So up to the table we went...Emilee with 6 pages of Language Arts & Math to do...JP with 3 pages of homework from being gone on Thursday. With an interruption for lunch and naptime (that was VERY MUCH NEEDED) we got homework done 5 hours later.

I just feel so crappy. Life is not fun. Being a parent is not fun (and i know even with "normal" kids parenting isn't always fun) but I VERY RARELY feel happy anymore. The kids' behaviors get to me right away. I try my hardest to remain calm and usually I do - they just end up sent to their rooms which aggravates them even more. The yelling/screaming/spitting/throwing things is getting out of control. Plus JP's behaviors continue to get worse and it's exactly what he is learning from his sister. I know that's normal to a point but this is extreme. He's now taken to spitting on me.(hmmm his sister did this how many times in the past?).

We are leaving Friday afternoon to celebrate Christmas with my family 2 1/2 hrs away for the weekend. Then we are coming home Sunday and I have MOn/Tues off from work...and guess what??? I'm NOT looking forward to spending 4 days home with my kids!!! How sad is that????

(Yep...therapy is #1 on my New Year's Resolutions!)

Some people are so lucky

This past July my parents were the honored guests of Clint Bowyer at Daytona International Speedway for the race. They are so lucky. Anyways, part of their winning was that they each got a free pace to the Richard Petty Driving School that included a ride around Daytona track with a driver. WOW! Due to health issues, my mom didn't go so dad got 2 rides. Here he is getting out of one of the cars.
***Ignore the 1/1/97 date as their camera was screwed up...it was july 7, 2007.



Here's just some misc pics from their trip. I'm doing a scrapbook for them for Christmas. Yep and today I finally printed the pics off the cd. We are exchanging gifts one week from today...I NEED TO GET BUSY!!!


The pit wall before the race.


The car sitting on pit road before the race.



The cars on the final lap behind the pace car.



The cars at race speed after crossing the start line with the green flag.



The Checkered Flag being brought in by a parachuter!



Mom, Dad and Clint Bowyer...he's such a cutie! And he's actually 8 days younger than I am. I would have thought he would be older...he looks older (Sorry Clint!). Guess that's what Racing can do to a person. I've blocked out mom and dad's faces for their own privacy.

Which Reindeer are You?

I found this on another blog (can't even remember which one as I was just surfing from blog to blog today - yep I was a lurker!) Let me know which Reindeer you were!

You Are Donner

The most loveable and sweet reindeer, you're also a total dork! Why You're Naughty: You keep (accidentally) tripping the other reindeer while flying. Why You're Nice: You're always smiling, even if you've fallen flat on your horns.

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

Call It Mother's Intuition

Guess who was running around and playing last night when I got home from work??? She sure didn't look too sick! No throwing up and no icky poops all day either...hmmmm..was she really sick??? I don't think so!

What a week it has been

I got a call from the clinic on my way to town yesterday morning that JP's strep culture did come back POSITIVE from the main lab. Oh Yipee! I guess that's exactly why they say "Don't count your chickens before they hatch!" right? So so much for school and work yesterday. But come on...he went to school on Wed when the clinic said the "quick" test came back negative so he exposed everyone anyways and yet he couldn't go yesterday because the test said positive???? Go figure! Anyways, after sitting in town for 1 hour waiting for the pharmacy to open, we got his meds and headed back home for a day just JP and Mommy. It was nice. I got a lot done and his behavior was very good.

Emilee came home from school and was in a good mood. About 15 mins before supper she found out that JP had been home all day with me. Guess what??? Her tummy instantly started hurting. She refused to eat supper and said she was going to throw up. We sent her to bed after sitting in the bathroom laying on the floor for 10 minutes. About 1/2 hour later she was puking in the bathroom. She threw up a total of 3 times in about 3 hours. She has no fever though. So how much of this could be self induced???? I feel so bad for asking that and I know there is a flu bug going around but this is the hurt mom talking who has been accused of so much. She was fine. SHe had a cookie for snack when she got home. She was playing and running and laughing right up until JP told her he got to stay home. Then after she had gotten "sick" she was more concerned with whether or not she would get to watch cartoons today when she stayed home with me. Well first of all, I took Wed off for her Eye Doc Appt, Therapy Appt and JP's doc appt. Then yesterday I was off due to Jacob having strep. I told Hubby today was his day. She ended up staying with my fil (who just happens to have Friday's off) for a while this am and now Hubby is home with her. She threw a fit when he told her that she had to go in her room and nap. I don't doubt that she probably does not feel very well as we are all suffering from colds...but I can't help wondering if she is making it worse herself??? Hubby says I shouldn't feel this way. I can't help it. Afterall, she has taken all her frustrations out on me this whole time and it will take me time to "let her back in" to my heart. I'm really feeling like a crummy mom right now.

Well see how she is doing tonight. I have to work tomorrow so Hubby is in charge all day tomorrow too. It will do him good.

Have a good weekend everyone.

It's Official

We have become the cold & flu season at our house...ok, so hubby actually had the flu symptoms about 2 weeks ago but the kids are not sick. JP has laryngitis. He sounds soooo cute when he talks but I know it hurts to talk so I try to keep him quiet. That's hard to do with a kid who NEVER shuts up and has to ask "How Come?" to EVERYTHING that I say. LOL. We have strep going around right now in town/school/work so I was a little worried. He started coughing Sunday night and it's just gotten worse every day so I finally took him in this morning. I guess it's good news that it's not strep!

I've got a heck of a cold too. My throat is KILLING me and I could play Rudolph in a christmas play and not even need a red nose! :-( Oh well...for me..life must go on.

Em was fine until she found out JP was sick. Now her head hurts and her throat hurts. Oh and I'm a mean mom today because she didn't eat before we left home because she could eat at daycare (she has her 1st therapy appt today and an eye doc appt so she didn't go to school) and then I could get JP in to the doc so it was 9am by the time she got to daycare and she was "STARVING to death". Poor thing. Ok I know she normally eats breakfast at 7am and I don't doubt that she was hungry but give me a break...you would have thought she hadn't had food in a week the way she was carrying on. She also has started calling herself "Stupid" and "Snot nosed Brat" because that's what Conny & donny used to call her (according to her). I told her we don't talk like that at our house and we are not Conny and Donny so she needs to quit that and she told me I'm a mean mom because I won't let her call herself those names. I can't win for anything with her today! Oh well.

Sounds like some snow in our forecast for tonight. Stay warm everyone!

Letter to Santa

I just got this from my sister...it's so cute. It's been around year after year after year but still it is cute.

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my
children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor
and sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a
shade tree on the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my
list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter
with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry
room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time
in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple,
which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze,
but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy
aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh
month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint
resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, a
television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking
animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the
crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes,
Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't
fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without
the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in
the living room" and "Take your hands off your sister," because my
voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can
only be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough
time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the
luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being
served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to
brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare
ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would
be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house
without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized
crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is calling and my son saw my
feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.
Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and
come in and dry off so you don't catch cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave
crumbs on the carpet. (you promised me last year you would lose some weight with me so next year you and I could be a cute size two blonde...ok, some requests go too far, but none the less.....

Yours Always,

MOM...

P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep
my children, healthy, safe and of course, young enough to always believe in Santa.

*Santa has asked that this gets passed on to all the mommies you know

A short lived post

I know it's hard to look at pics of kids when we are all going thru what we are...but I just had to share these pics from yesterday. I will be removing them in a day or so but wanted to share with all my friends out there.

***************PICS WERE REMOVED. IF YOU MISSED THEM AND WANT TO SEE THEM...SEND ME AN EMAIL. IF YOU'RE NEW TO THIS BLOG..TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF.



Me, Emilee, and My sister's middle child (13 months old)


My Grandma, Me & My Twin (so do we look alike???LOL)


My 2 and my sister's 3 kids D is 3 1/2, K is 13 months and R is 10 weeks



Emilee & JP



Isn't this just the cutest pic ever? She was NOT HAPPY that we wanted to take more pics of her! LOL.

Pics of My "babies"

Ok everyone posts pics of their "babies" aka pets or whatever so since Hubby took some pics of our "babies" this weekend with my new digital camera that "Santa" aka Hubby bought me I thought I would show them off as well. Check out the horns...NO I do not go in the fence with them. I'm chicken! (oh wait...we have chickens too..I'll have to take some pics of them to show off too) And our cats..and my puppy. If I post one pic a day of animals..I could post every day for quite a while! LOL.

It's Friday

and I only have to work until 12noon. :-) Then I'm off to Emilee's Xmas Program at school. Should be fun. As I told one of you already today...being able to say "I'm here to watch MY DAUGHTER, Emilee" will be so great. It's that happy feeling that makes my other feelings so hard to deal with and makes me feel so bad about the other feelings...but I'm not going to go there today. I want to be happy today!

The weekend sounds like it is supposed to be BURRRRRR cold so good day to do some baking tomorrow. THen on Sunday, weather permitting, we are having Christmas with my mom's side of the family (she has 1 brother who has 2 living children & their families and then my grandma.) Should be fun - i just love family gatherings with this side of the family (NOT!).

Anyways,hope everyone has a great weekend and for those of you with cold temps like us...STAY WARM!

The diagnosis is in...

on my van. Needs a new heater core. Thank goodness for extended warranty's. Since the van was a "GM certified used" vehicle when we bought it (with just over 6000 milse on it) it has Manufacturer warranty to 39010 miles and then it has a Vehicle Service Contract on it until 75000 miles or something like that. Guess how many miles are on it...36100! Yep normally, my warranty would have expired 100 miles ago. Then again, had it not been CERTIFIED USED with the extended warranty, we would not have bought it or I would have traded it off already. I've never kept a vehicle (since the day I have bought my own vehicles) past 2 years and for sure have never driven it without a warranty on it. Yep, I'm my parents kid. They trade vehicles every 2-3 years MAX and so that is what is engraved in my mind. Hubby's 03 pickup we had for 4 years (March 03-Feb07) with a Vehicle Service Contract purchased on it for coverage up to 100,000 miles and we were glad to have the contract when the light behind the gas gauge went out and we had to replace the complete instrument cluster for 1 light bulb! Yep $3000 repair - that made our $1700 contract well worth it and that's not the only time we used it.

So where was I before I went off about Hubby's truck....hmmm.....oh yeah, so now they think the van MIGHT be done tomorrow afternoon. I told them that I was leaving town at noon tomorrow and so if it wasn't done by then, I wouldn't be able to pick it up until Monday morning. He said to call him before I leave town. I would like it back. We are forcast for MORE SNOW this weekend.

Last 7 days....Sat (1st) 8+ inches
Tues (4th) 2+ inches
Thurs (6th) so far about 1 inch and it has now quit
Sat/Sun (8th/9th) forcast for more

Yep...gotta love ND!

Time to empty my brain...

As my "cluttered mind" quiz showed, I have too many things going on in my brain. I should talk to a therapist. I know that. I do have plans to do that. I've started my New Year's Resolutions (or at least listing them) and seeing a Therapist is one of them. I'm just not sure where that would fit into my OVERLOADED schedule right now. So for now...I'm laying it out there to all of you. (and You're welcome in advance! since i know you will all say THANK YOU to me for having you suffer thru reading all this!)

I've been following a lot of my fellow bloggers currently seeking fertility treatments and that has me thinking a lot lately. What if we had continued with our treatments? Hubby (ok, I'm stuck with that name for now as my brain does not have room to be creative right now) wasn't too keen on the idea of using a donor; however, using him is not an option. Maybe after this trek thru the foster care system, he would feel differently. Would we be parents now if we had continued with treatments? Would we be parents now if we had went ahead with the adoption agency when we first went to their meeting 3 years ago? What if...what if...what if.

What do I want? I want to be a forever mom to an infant. (Ok, before i go any further with this, I want to remind you that I do LOVE Emilee and JP. I do WANT to be their FOREVER MOM. I just want MORE than that). Although I didn't think being pregnant was such a big deal...the more I think about it, the more I think I want to experience it. It's not like it's a MUST, but it is something I want to experience. I want to know if all the things my sister wined/moped/b**ched about is for real. I want to be up in the night feeding my child and bonding with MY child. I want to hear that child call me MOMMY and not have to share that term with anyone else. (I know - I'm selfish) Especially when it has a negative meeting when applied to the other party. When we had G and she called us Mommy and Daddy, it was so wonderful. She didn't know any different. I want to see their first smile, hear their first giggle, I want to smell the "clean baby" smell after a bath, I want to see the first roll over, the first crawl, the first steps (ok we saw G & L take their first steps and that was SO AWESOME!). Does any of this make sense?

But now on the other hand...how will Emilee and JP react to this? Is it fair to bring a biological child into this mix of things? Will Emilee and JP resent us for it? Emilee wants a baby in the house, but what happens when it's a baby that NEVER leaves? Will she still handle it ok?

I know right now we have enough going on in our lives. It's not that I want to run back to the doc right away and start up fertility treatments or anything (although I DO WANT to do that...I know it's not realistic right now). We need to get Emilee and JP settled, we need to get their issues stabilized.

I know Hubby and I need to discuss this too. But like I said, bringing it up to him right now just wouldn't be worth it. There is far too many things going on now. That's a conversation for us to have after the holidays. But I also know what he'll say...Emilee and JP are enough to handle. They are...but is that enough for me? That is the question and I really don't think it is.

I'm also not getting any younger. I'm 28,Hubby is 34. Yea, we can wait a few more years but if we wait too long...what will that do for our chances? I don't know. No one knows.

I read everyone's blogs about getting babies in foster care. Originally Hubby and I had said we wouldn't take any child over the age of 4 due to the "baggage" that they usually come with. We'll we've done it and I'm always the one who pushed him and said, we should take the kids. With Emilee and JP, it was no different. I wanted them. According to what we were told their issues were, they were minor. Well as we've learned since they came to us, certain parts of their history were left out of the info we received on "accident". I don't believe for one minute that those parts were left out on "accident" but that's beside the point now. Had we known what we know now, I can't say that we would have taken this placement. This is the exact reason why we didn't want to take older kids. I'm not ready to deal with all this. Now I have no choice. The kids are here. THey have no family. They have no parents in a sense as all rights have been terminated. Now I almost feel "stuck" with them. Yes I could call the county and tell them they have to move them but what good would that do the kids? Afterall, we do foster care FOR the kids. They NEED us. So why do I feel so bad and so "stuck" by all of this?

Oh and to top it all off...my van went to the shop today due to NO HEAT! Guess that's a problem when you live in ND with highs in the single digits and low teens above zero. No wonder I couldn't keep my windshield unfrozen on the way home last night in the freezing rain.

Getting to know your friends - Christmas Style

I got this in an email...thought it would be fun to post on here too....



1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping Paper – what fun is it to open a bag at Christmas time?



2. Real tree or Artificial? Artificial



3 . When do you put up the tree? Usually the weekend before Thanksgiving but don’t plug the lights in until Thanksgiving Day (this year it didn’t get up until the weekend after thanksgiving.)



4. When do you take the tree down? 1st weekend in January



5. Do you like egg nog? Never tried it and don’t plan to.



6. Favorite gift received? Sweatshirt from B & D (I was totally shocked Hubby had done ANY shopping that year so that meant a lot to me)



7. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes (but it’s not up this year – too much other stuff going on – got the tree up –figured that was enough)



8. Hardest person to buy for? My “kids”



9 . Easiest person to buy for? Hubby


10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Email what I can – mail the rest



11 .Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Can’t think of any of them.



12 . Favorite Christmas movies? Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer/ The year without a Santa Claus (can you tell I’ve got kids in the house again this year???)



13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? I’d really like to shop throughout the year but the time I did that, I lost the gift that I had bought (and YES it’s STILL MISSING 3 YEARS LATER!)



14 . Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Nope



15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Frosted Sugar Cookies (frozen)



16 . Clear lights or colored on the tree? Blue lights (from our wedding dance)



17. Favorite Christmas song? “Sleigh Ride”



18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? I don’t mind traveling if it’s to my mom and dad’s (9 miles) or Hubby’s dad’s (2 miles) LOL!



19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeers? Yes – I was going to put them in here, but then I thought…that gives it away to the rest of you!



20. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Some each day…afterall, Santa doesn’t come until Christmas Eve



21. Most annoying thing about this time of year? TOO MANY RUDE PEOPLE in the stores!



22. Favorite ornament theme? Snowmen Favorite color theme? Blue/Silver/White



23. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Turkey/Mashed Potatoes/Gravy (MOM’s COOKING!)



24. What do you want for Christmas this year? A new digital camera and…a wish that I can’t say because if you tell a wish…it won’t come true!



Ok, I'm going to tag Trace, No Swimmers, and Kathy and anyone else who wants to participate. If you want to leave me a comment - i will link your post to this one (if I can figure out how to do it!LOL)

How cluttered is your mind?

No Swimmers wanted to know how cluttered my mind was...so here it is. Now how cluttered is YOUR mind? Leave me a comment and let me know.

Your Mind is 84% Cluttered

Your mind is incredibly cluttered. You have so much going on in there, it's hard to think straight. Consider talking to a therapist. It's a good idea to sort through your thoughts, if only to see which ones are worth hanging on to.

How Cluttered is Your Mind?

Well the UNofficial Official Amount is in...

At our house we measured 8.5 inches of snow. The kids LOVE it! Hubby got the yard cleaned out using the 4 wheeler and his tractors w/loaders. I finally got all my christmas lights plugged in with extension cords and guess what....they don't work! :-( Guess I'll have to try to figure out why tonight.

I also started by baking on Sat once I got home. I made choc covered ritz bitz w/peanut butter, peanut butter choc kiss cookies, an easy mint candy using vanilla almond bark and andes mints, sugar cookies w/snickers candy bars inside them, and peppermint candy cane cookies. I still need to make frosted sugar cookies, peanut butter balls, choc and vanilla coated pretzels, mint/choc swirl fugde and another batch or 2 of the mint candies. (Can you tell I like mint???) Hubby also put in his order for m&m oatmeal cookies from scratch. Ok, so out of all this, I may eat the mint candies and a few sugar cookies. Otherwise, I don't like this stuff. I just like to bake. THat's my contribution to christmas dinner...the sweets!

Sounds like we are in for up to 6+ more inches of snow beginning tomorrow. Gotta love living in ND!

**********Updated weather forcast...just a snow advisory vs a winter storm watch....BUT (you know there always has to be one of them in there) we are supposed to get FREEZING RAIN first! YUCK. 2 years ago we had a Freezing Rain storm Thanksgiving Weekend and we were without power for 8 days! I DO NOT want FREEZING RAIN!

It's a Winter Storm

I really wish I had a camera that I could take a picture with right now and upload it. We are having our first Winter Storm of the season. I came to work simply because I NEEDED to get out of the house. The drive wasn't too bad but I really wonder how I will be able to get back home. We are expected to get 8+ inches of snow today and winds are blowing too. I'm sitting in my office right now looking out at the hwy that runs just on the other side of our parking lot and the cars going by are getting harder and harder to see. Am I stupid for being out in this, yeah probably but oh well.

Hopefully I can get some pictures at home this weekend and post some next week. Have a great weekend.

Let's name Hubby

Ok, Trace asked if I had come up with a name for Hubby. Well considering he is home sick right now..the names that come to mind (due to his extreme Moodiness right now) are not really appropriate so I figured, I'd let anyone out there choose. Anyone up to give me some ideas and then we'll take a vote????


Julie asked if I call Hubby and pet names at all...well since we started foster care I always refer to him as Daddy Hubby. And with Emilee and JP - he's just Daddy, but Daddy doesn't sound good to me for this purpose either.

Winter is Coming...

tomorrow from what the weatherman is saying. 4-7 Inches of snow with high winds. OH fun. I'm supposed to work tomorrow. We'll see if I can make it to town or not. Hubby is sick with the flu...102 temp and the whole deal...YUCK! I want to come to work...the less I am home, the less chance to get sick. Unfortunately...with the weather forcast, I don't want to bring the kids out if I don't have to which would mean having them stay home with hubby tomorrow. This is ok in the fact that they can play and entertain themselves. He will be there and can make a pizza for lunch or something but then again...the less THEY are by him, the better right now too. What to do ...what to do???

*********************************
Kids had Health trax screenings today. Emilee's eyes are 20/50. UGH! No wonder the little girl is having headaches. I got her an appt with an eye doctor for Dec 12. JP's eyes are 20/40. Is his eyes that bad or did he just not understand what was being asked of him due to his developmental delays? He has an appt on Dec 14.

Let it Snow Let it Snow Let it Snow

It's COLD so why not snow, right? Well it is. It has off and on all morning. Now it's really snowing out and the winds are gusting to 30 mph. Yep, outta be a fun drive home later today. Oh the joys of living in the middle of nowhere! At least it is my afternoon off and I'm leaving town at 3pm when I pick JP up from school.

Oh and by the way... I was smart enough to find my gloves this morning before we left home! All dressed up for work and then I have my SkiDoo snowmobile jacket and my SkiDoo snowmobile gloves...yep, I'm cute...but at least I'm warm! :-)

Meeting #1 (of many to come)

Yesterday I had a meeting with someone regarding a Partnership Program that is available to Emilee. I'm still slightly confused as to what exactly the program is all about but here is what I got from the meeting...

1. This lady will work with Hubby and I (Yondalla..I agree...I should come up with a name for Hubby...Hubby just doesn't fit ...ok I'm getting off track here) to make sure we are aware of all services available to Emilee.

2. We will have round table type meetings with the "team" on a regular basis to discuss what is and isn't working for Emilee. ***"team" being SW, Adoption worker, us, her, therapists, etc.

The first thing she recommends is another evaluation by a different psychiatrist. Since Emilee was diagnosed with PTSD, ODD, RAD, ADHD, Mood disorder, and others...and then the hospital comes back with nothing...we think it is best to get a 3rd opinion. I agree. She is setting that appt up and we'll go from there.

I was told by the sw that she would/could help with transporting to some appts but that doesn't seem to be the case. So now we're back to square one wondering how to get this child to appts 30-60 miles from her school during the day and back to school when I work 30 miles from her school. Minimum - 3 hrs away from work (and that's banking on the fact that we get in on time and out on time) for me to go get her, come back to town for appt, then back to school, them me back to work. UGH. Plus...gas is VERY expensive right now. We'll see what happens.

**************
I'm off now to an IEP meeting for JP at his school. I'm really curious how the last 2 days have gone for him as he's been HORRIBLE to deal with at home.

BRRRR

Winter is finally here....it's -11F here this morning....I finally decided it was time to get the winter coat out. Now if could only find my gloves.

One More Night

A & T will be staying 1 more night. Can I handle it??? I guess I don't have a choice. Our county worker was very apologetic that they were even placed with us but she wasn't the one who called so I told her not to worry about it. Plus, I said Yes, I'm the only one I can blame.

Tomorrow they will go to 1 of 2 places...

1. Bio dad's house (considering A told me she doesn't have a dad - not sure what kind of home this is or where this guy has been for the past 3 1/2 yrs since A was born)

2. A different foster home in the town where I work.

Either way... I will miss these little sweetie's but I know I can't do this long term right now. I'm sad though...I wish I could.

WOW...what a weekend

First of all, I should know better than to smart off..My mom and I were talking about foster care the other day and I was bragging how living in the middle of nowhere like we do...we don't get the middle of the night emergency placements. When will I learn to keep my mouth shut??? And more importantly...will I ever learn to say NO?

Sat morning the phone rang at 5am (I HATE 5am phone calls...they're never good!). It was the same CPS worker that I had to talk to about the accusations and I was like, "Uh oh, what did my angel do that you are calling me at 5am to tell me!" I should think happier thoughts too. She was calling because a young mother had decided to try to take her own life and they needed a home for a 3 yr old girl and a 7 month old boy. I said, OK we'll take them for the weekend and see what the beginning of the week brings. So I scrambled to take a shower and find my baby stuff and get it washed. A little before 7am they finally showed up (we live 30 miles from big town). Good thing I had some diapers on hand and a few wipes and a can of formula from when L jr & L were with us last Jan.

The kids...now what should I call them...A (girl) & T(baby boy) for now... are very well behaved. A has the most beautiful long naturally curly hair half way down her back. I was in heaven playing with her hair. She has obviously had her way on EVERYTHING in her short 3 yrs. She is a picky eater (didn't think anyone could be pickier than me, but I found her) and doesn't like to share her toys. She has also been a good caregiver for her little brother as she was telling me how to change his diaper and how much formula you put in the bottle with how much water. Poor little girl...she shouldn't be the one worrying about that stuff.

T is adorable. Big blue eyes and a cute smile. (what baby isn't adorable though???) He has a reflux issue BIG TIME though and so that took some getting used to with feedings. Good sleeper too - up only 1 time per night about 5:30am and that's practically when we get up anyways so no big deal there.

I have asked the county to find a home for them though unless there is a family member that will be taking them by tomorrow. I can't do it with 4 right now. We've got our hands full with our 2 at home. JP is having a tough time sharing the attention now that sister is home. He's had a great 2 weeks being an only child and it will take some getting used to for him. He was showing a lot of the same tantrum issues his sister showed that horrible night yesterday and this morning. I pulled Emilee aside and showed her how her actions affect JP too. I think she needs to realize that he looks up to her and copy's her.HOpefully he will settle down here within a couple days and once the xtra 2 are moved.

It's tough though...I would love to keep T. A is WAY TOO MUCH like Emilee. Their personalities clash BIG TIME. We'll see what the county sees as a plan of action and go from there I guess. I suppose I would get used to getting 4 kids up and out the door by 7:30am but am I ready for that??? No I don't think I am. There will be other babies. Unfortunately, I know that is true. Foster care is something that the need is always there for. Things happen for a reason. Right???

Guess she'll be coming home afterall

It's a LONG LONG story that I don't have the time, effort, or energy to get into right now, but Emilee will be coming home Sunday. We had a nice 8 hr visit with her yesterday. We requested a pass for Sunday. It was granted. Then we were told she would be discharged Monday regardless because insurance has given a cutoff date for treatment. We (hubby & I) discussed this and thought it would be a lot harder on her to go back there for 1 night and a HUGE inconvenience for us to have to drive 60+ miles to go get her. 60 miles back home. 60 miles back to the hospital to take her back Sunday night. 60 miles back home. Then 60 miles up on Monday. and 60 miles back home again. You do the math. Figure in $3.099 gas and a vehicle that gets 16 miles/gal (as we would drive hubby's truck). Yep that will get expensive for us so we asked for her to be discharged on Sunday morning.

We observed her showing us her new way to show she's upset a few times yesterday. A quick stomp of her foot and a "growl" and she is off again. I can handle that. That sure beats swearing, hitting, kicking and threatening. She had a small meltdown but that only lasted 10 minutes. That in itself if a HUGE improvement. We've got services somewhat in order for our protection/Emilee's protection and support. I expect the rest of our "demands" will fall into place the first part of next week. Respite is a must and that is arranged. We just have to let them know to what extent we want/need it. A good thing is that the new respite family is actually a theraputic foster home and Emilee already knows the mom of the house very well as she is her school principal. We'll see how things go and decide after a couple days what we feel we need.

Thanks for all the comfort/support from everyone. This is by no means over. She is coming home on a trial basis as far as I am concerned. Services MUST be continued and we MUST get the support we need. Any further allegations (and I know there will be some) will be dealt with on a basis of how severe they are. The first allegation against hubby or any other male in our family and she will have to leave. Cut and dried. I pray this works. I do love her. I am going to get a sticker system ready tomorrow. THey say she is doing WONDERFUL on this at the hospital. We tried it at home before and it failed. We'll try again. I'm also going to get a chore jar ready and see how that goes. Wish me luck! I'll update on Monday how things are going.

Happy Turkey Day to Everyone! Here's to a Safe Holiday for all. And to those of you lucky enough for a long 4 day weekend...Bah Humbug! LOL!

Update

She didn't get discharged...LONG Story. I'm not up for writing right now. Just know I'm ok. Having a tough time with this whole ordeal, but I'm ok. Things will get better (they can't get worse---or can they?)

For those of you that have email me directly...I want to talk. I need to talk. I just can't find the strength right now. Thanks for sending me your phone #'s!

Placement is no longer

Emilee will be moved to a different home. I don't know where, I don't know what kind of place they will find on such short notice.

The decision was made this morning by Hubby and I.

For liability reasons, we can not have her in our home. I'm sick to my stomach. I wish I could help this little girl. I know she is just testing the waters but her accusations have now escalated to outside our family. They are so ridiculously false, it's sickening. I can't/won't go into too much detail now, But what next? I can't put Hubby in that position. I can't put my fil or bil in that situation. They are my lifelines while I'm at work. Daycare will no longer accept her after she hears what the latest is. We don't get paid enough for me to completely quit my job and yet to have her in our home, that is what would have to be done. (Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be a SAHM but that's just not in the picture right now and I don't want to be FORCED to do it by a 7 yr old).

Maybe we're in foster care for the wrong reasons. I don't know anymore. What am I doing? We said from day 1 that the false accusations would be ok and we would work with the child as long as we were safe and they were safe. We no longer feel that our family is safe. We no longer feel our extended family is safe with Emilee. I can't live forever with these fears. I can't do it.

But will someone? Will Emilee EVER let someone love her?

Emilee needs help. More intense help that what we can offer in our rural setting.

I'm sad.

I don't know what they will decide with JP. We have stated that we want him to stay. We believe siblings should be together when possible..but we feel that Emilee has too many issues and JP is too impressionable at this stage of his life. He doesn't need to be exposed to her behaviors. If the sw disagrees and moves him, I wish him the best. We would like to have contact with Emilee if that is safe for JP, I guess we'll see what happens at today's meeting.

Now What???

I just spoke with social worker from the hospital. Emilee will be discharged tomorrow. Sentence #1 - They have witnessed no behaviors.
Sentence #2 - Emilee and another patient were ganging up on staff and so Emilee was moved from her room to a separate room.
(???So no behaviors but she was moved from her room because ganging up on staff???Hmm what would they consider behaviors???)
Sentence #3 - There are no meds needed for her.
Sentence #4 - I was unable to find a therapist who will take a 7 yr old so you will just have to stay with Dr. So and So. I know you're not happy with her services, but hopefully she can accomodate you. We are recommending therapy sessions 1 x per week and if Dr. So-and-So can't accomodate that, hopefully a schedule can be worked out as best as you can.

Here's my interpretation of what she was telling me... (Remember not her words...mine)

So...here's your kid. We took her off all meds and babysat her for 1 week. We did nothing else except make her mad at you for bringing her here. She blames you and we really don't care. Afterall, she's your problem, not ours. Good luck with your therapist. We know you don't like her, but that's your problem too. Bye.


So now what do we do? I told the therapist that I can't say we are comfortable bringing her home tomorrow. Afterall, look at the accusations she made. UGH!
I just talked to Hubby on the phone and he was no support. Thanks sweetie...love you too. He doesn't think I should confront Emilee in the meeting tomorrow. And I don't mean in a bad way, but just bring up how these accusations make me feel and how serious they are. What are you thoughts out there? Do I dare say anything to her face? I know she's only 7 but she's a SMART 7.

Hooray!

I'm not a child abuser! :-)

I just got done with a meeting with the child protection service in our county. We discussed the accusations that were made. We discussed her meeting with Emilee and the fact that Emilee recanted the whole thing. It never happened. She was mad at me so she wanted to hurt me so she said those things.

We discussed what will happen next as far as the report. It will be dismissed. We discussed a partnership program that is available to us as another support system and she asked if we would be interested in learning more about it. I said Yes. Heck, any support we can get, I'm all for! She did ask me a lot of questions regarding how Emilee has been doing at home since day 1. We had a nice conversation. To end the meeting she asked me what our plans were if they decide to send Emilee home tomorrow afternoon after our meeting. I told her honestly...I don't know. I'm not sure we are ready to bring her home. I'm not convinced that she will be safe or that we would be safe. I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow.

I've had a rough weekend. I'm not much for posting all about it now. I'm just emotionally drained. I'll update again tomorrow or Wed after our meeting.

Poor JP

I feel so bad for him. He just doesn't get it. Why is his sister in the "hospital" when she didn't look sick when we went to visit last night? Poor little guy. What do I say to him? He started crying when we were eating supper at the restaurant. When I asked him what was wrong, he said, "I miss Emilee". This morning he came out to the living room while I was blow drying my hair and here's how it went...

Me: Good morning big guy. Can I have a hug?

JP: (Tears welling up in his eyes) Mom, I miss Emilee.

Me; I know you do buddy. Come here and give mommy a hug. I miss Emilee too.

JP: When is Emilee coming home?

Me: Hopefully a few more days is all she will be there.

JP: Ok, mom. Can I have a poptart for breakfast?

Me: Sure, should we have some Chocolate milk with your poptart.

JP: Well, actually, I would like some juice.

Me: Ok, sounds good.

Gotta love 'em. So upset one minute and then food takes over! :-)

As for the visit last night...it went ok. Luckily the nurses let us go to a room outside the "unit" to visit so that JP wouldn't be in that atmosphere. He tried to tell his sister that he misses her and she was too busy telling us how gross the food still is. Kids!

She did have a slight meltdown when we left. OK, a little more than the day before when it was just Hubby and I there. It took 2 nurses to take her back to her area. It's so sad. JP wanted to know why she was crying so much. We just quickly changed the subject. The nurse who walked us out told us that she had had a meltdown yesterday morning over another child saying they were going to touch her stuff. It lasted about 1 hour. So hopefully they are seeing some of the behaviors that we see and they don't think she is such an angel anymore.

Tomorrow she gets to have a pass to leave. Weather permitting (it is snowing/sleeting here now) I will go get her and go shopping for a little while and see how she reacts to being taken back there. Also, tonight she will call us as we told her we couldn't go visit her and she will then figure out that my sister's oldest 2 (3 1/2 yrs and 1 yr old) will be staying at our house. We'll see how she handles that.

Thank You!

To everyone who has left a thoughtful comment on here the past few days (and in the past in general). Your comments are very much appreciated.

I also want to apologize. For those of you with site counters...I've been lurking...just not really into leaving comments this week. I'll try to get better at that...just know I'm reading and thinking of you. I just can't take the time to comment because I can't think straight! Sorry!


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Hey...all my faithful readers... I have a site map....Anyone care to give me a generic idea of where you're at in this world?

Warning...MAJOR Vent Ahead

ok...so if you're reading this part...know you have been warned by the title.

This am I had my yearly checkup with my OBGYN - always fun...right? Well considering my past health issues...I really don't mind these checkups. Heck..I've been poked and prodded more in those areas than most people. Anyways...now we wait 2 weeks to get the results. Want to bet me??? I'll be having ANOTHER colposocopy done sometime mid Dec...remember...you bet me! The major issue I have with these appts is the fact that I have to sit around the waiting room with all the happy pregnant women. I'm emotional enough...this put me over the top. Thankfully a friend of mine from HS works in that dept and so I was able to visit with her.

Then we had a family therapy appt at the hospital. Guess what...Emilee is acting this way because of her past....DUH! I'm so glad I'm not paying this bill. She's been there 3 days and that is what they can tell us???? Hmmmm...I could have told them that on night 1. It's the question of WHAT in her past and WHAT can we do to help her work thru her past so that SHE can be safe and WE can be safe. Oh...and the therapist informed us that they had to file a child abuse report because my sweet little princess decided to tell them some more lies. Yep..directed at me again. I told the admitting nurse that she threatened to tell them "blah blah blah" (don't think I'm going to go into too much exact detail while this is investigated) because she said that was how she was going to "get back at me" for making her stay at the hospital. The nurse noted it but since she said it to someone else...they still have to file their forms.

It is so tough. What did I do to deserve this life? Why do I have to "settle" raising someone else's messed up kids so that I can have a family and be a mom? It's not fair! Hubby and I are at odds over what to do. All he says to me is...we were told in training that this could happen. DUH! I was at training. How about a little support for me? I'm the one whose name is being drug thru the mud on this. I'm the one who they will be investigating. I'm the one who bends over backwards for these kids and yet I'm the one who is getting sh** on. Why can't you just be a little supportive of me. Tell me you love me. Tell me that I'm not to blame for this. Tell me something. Don't just say...well, we knew this could happen. What good does that do?

Ok...a little clarification...when I said "settle" above I don't mean that as negatively as it sounds. Well maybe today I do but I really do LOVE THESE KIDS. ALL THE KIDS who come thru our home are treated as OUR kids while they are with us. It's just so hard sometimes.

So I cried all the way back to work and Hubby said nothing. I said nothing. He wants to know why I can't talk to him the way we I used to. But when I tell him how I'm feeling..I get the same response EVERY time..."you knew this was a possibility". Hello...and you're asking me why I can't talk to you the way I used to. Hmmm. Figure it out yourself.

They want us to bring JP up to see her tomorrow night. Ok, we'll do that. They want to see how she reacts to him leaving with us and her having to stay there. Part of me hopes this triggers something because up until today, her behavior has been perfect according to the reports. Like I suspected...she can put on a good show for other people.

At this point, we have another family meeting/discharge meeting scheduled for next Tues at 3pm. They want us to take her for a day pass this weekend. Ok, I work all day Sat so that won't work. A day pass is for 8 hrs max. We live 1 hr from the hospital. So with gas prices at $3.199+ I am supposed to drive 60 miles to get her. Turn around drive back 60 miles home. Spend approx 5-6 hrs at home with her and then turn around (in the dark) and drive 60 miles back to the hospital with her and then 60 miles back home again. Do these people think I have money coming out of my ears for gas? I don't know what we'll do. Maybe we'll just take her for a few hours and do some shopping on Sunday afternoon and maybe hit a park. We'll see what the weather forcast is because as of today Sat & Sun are supposed to be COLD, windy and rain/snow showers. Icy roads...umm she'll be staying at the hospital.

Well if you made it thru this..Thank you for reading.

Sad Sad News

Last Thurs night there was a car accident not too far from our home...maybe 10 miles or so. A young woman, 31 years of age, missed a curve, rolled her car and was killed. She left behind 2 young children. I just got a call from Hubby who got a call from a guy who works with him but at a different location (does that make sense? Same boss...but this guy works for the farm where as hubby works for the seed company). Anyways, this guy is like a grandpa to us. He's great! So caring. He's especially special to us as he played a part in getting hubby and I together back in the day. Anyways, I'm getting off track.

This young woman who Hubby knew as she was only a couple years behind him in school, was not married. Engaged, but not married. Her dad is too old and doesn't think he can care for the children. She has a couple step-sisters/brother but they have families of their own and not much money so don't feel like they can take them. They are looking for a home for these children and our friend...let's call him Herby, called Hubby asking if we had any kids and would at least think about taking them.

I can tell Hubby wanted to say YES. The prob...they are both boys. We live in a 3 bedroom home. We currently have a boy and a girl. Our rooms are not big enough to have 3 kids in a room. What do we do? Here are 2 boys who have no one in their family who wants them. How sad is that? Now what do we do? I wish there was a way to make this work! Hubby has NEVER sounded so bummed about anything when it comes to kids. :-(

Visit

Last night's visit went a lot better than I expected it too. There were a few tears but I was able to talk to her and they were very short lived. That's good. It was easier on me that way. She was very talkative. When I walked in she was laying on her mat on the floor watching a movie. She turned and looked at me and smiled big.

E: Hi Mom!

Me: Hi E! How are you doing? (Giving her a big hug)

E: OK. Mom...let's go see my room.

Me: Ok.

(The nurse steps in and says her roommate has family in their room so we could go in the conference room so we head that way)

Me: So tell me about your day.

E: We have to do school work! This boy...he has temper tantrums like all day. Like he's really naughty. Like I'm glad I'm not like him. The food is like really gross Mom. They don't cook the fish. YUCK. Like we had to listen quietly to this boy who like always has temper tantrums talk about it.

Me: Oh. Did you do anything fun.

E: Like we made some goop (I have no idea what she is talking about on this one???). I got to take a shower all by myself. They set the water for me and then I did everything else all by myself. Just like at home. Are you proud of me mom?

Me: Yes I am. I'm glad you are doing so well.

E: I talked to the doctor today too mom.

Me: Oh really...what did the doctor say?

E: Well we like just talked about like my tantrums.

..Ok so that's the jist of it. Did you figure out that she has started to say Like....Like...Like??? That's new. Guess we'll see how long that lasts.

We have a family therapy meeting on Thurs am. Then I will know more. For now that's about it. It was easier to walk away last night than the night before. Sad...but at least no tears. I think reality has set in.

I finally slept last night! I think I was asleep before my head even hit the pillow. 9:45pm - 5:45am! Wow! That's been a long time coming. I was so out of it when the alarm went off that I couldn't figure out what that noise was! Maybe I can get another full nights sleep tonight!

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In other news...sw is doing a home visit tonight. Yep...the house looks like a tornado went thru it. Oh well...I hope she'll understand the last 3 days have been VERY hectic and housework has not been a priority!

She's been admitted

to the child unit at the local psych hospital for an evaluation. I don't know who this is harder on...her or us. It was VERY tough for me to walk away from her crying last night, but I knew it was where she needed to be. She needs help. Help that we are not able to give her at our home at this time. Hopefully she will be able to get the help she needs and they can find a med that will work for her. The nurse last night told me to expect 10-14 days. He said they will know more today after she has been evaluated by everyone.

That's all I know for now. I will be going back to see her tonight to take her some pajama's and her blanket/teddy bear. After that, we will visit on a limited schedule as they tell us what is best for her. Plus with my work schedule - Friday will be the next time that I can make it up there. It's 60 miles one way! That's pretty tough to make when I don't get off work until 6pm.

Time to Reflect

Ok. I've had a lot of today to sit back and reflect on how things have been since Emilee and JP joined our family. To sit back and look at the big picture. To wonder..To ponder...to worry...to Smile :-)..to laugh...to cry...to do it all. I've been VERY unproductive at work and well frankly..I don't care. I probably shouldn't even be here today. My head's just not in it and frankly..who could blame me? What we went thru last night is not something that i can just shove aside and forget about until after business hours tonight. It's not possible.

So as I sit here and ponder all that went on...All that has gone on in the past 5 months. Did I see this coming? Well...no I can't say I did fully. Deep down...yeah I knew there were a lot of issues that were there but I was hopeful that with love & stability, we could work thru them. Maybe I was niave. I don't know. Like I've said before..I'm young. I'm new to this. This is our first long term placement of kids this age that came with the amount of "baggage" that they came with. We knew of their baggage. We (or should I say I) read the files BEFORE we accepted placement. I relayed all the info to Hubby. We agreed this was a good fit for us. "Baggage" and all.

Did we wait too long to get back into therapy?

Did we waste too much time with the therapist that I don't think is doing us any good?

Did we do too much harm to her by moving JP out of her school into one that will better fit his needs?

Did we do more harm than good by having them go to a respite home to give us a break?

Did we...did we...did we...???

I don't know the answers to those questions. I don't WANT to know the answers to those questions. Ok, I DO know the answers to those questions. The answers to those questions is that there are no right or wrong answers to those questions.

Why is it so hard for me to understand that her issues were ALWAYS there ...always underneath that smiley little girl that we love so much. It was just a matter of time before they broke the surface.

I think what scared me the most (other than the threats to our lives) is that standing there looking at her in that bed last night with Hubby holding the covers down to protect himself from the flying arms and legs while we tried to talk to her, is that it wasn't OUR little girl laying there looking back at me. Her eyes were blank. She kept telling us her name was McKenzie not Emilee and I think she truly thought that was right. Is she bi-polar? Is she schizophrenic? I don't know. I know NOTHING about those diseases/disorders. All I know is that that wasn't my little girl laying in that bed last night. It was truly like something had taken over her body. At 7 years old. I probably could have blown off the threats she made to our lives...that she was just mad...it's the first time she has said anything like that...but when you look at the big picture of what she was doing...the things she was saying...I couldn't. I was down right scared to death. Scared she would hurt us. Scared she would hurt herself. Scared she would hurt her little brother who was (trying to) sleep in the next room.

In about an hour I will be leaving work. I will go to daycare and pick her up. Hubby will meet me there and pick up JP and take him home. Emilee and I will drive the 60 miles to the nearest big town and go to the hospital. We will talk to the assessment people and see what they say. What kind of lies will she make up? She's already cried abuse to the school...will she do it again? I won't be surprised. That scares me about even taking her in...but she needs to go in. She needs help. I'm told this hospital though won't admit her or anything unless she is physically threatening at the time we are there. Well that's not her behavior. She is an angel in front of people. Maybe not today. Maybe they will see her for the problems that lie within. Afterall, they are trained professionals, right?

When I sit here and I look at what I would call the temper tantrums from the past 3 weeks. I can see a pattern.

Oct 30 - Problems in school. Note came home and was hand delivered to daddy by the Afterschool Program van driver. Daddy tried talking to Emilee about it and she became quite upset. Mommy and JP get home. Daddy fills mommy in and mommy reads note. Daddy & Mommy sit down and try to talk to Emilee about her behavior in school and why it is so important to listen to the teachers, etc. Emilee yells, screams, says it's the other kids' fault. Nothing is EVER Emilee's fault. Mommy and Daddy love JP more because they are letting him play and making Emilee sit and talk. (that's her words..not mine). Lots of Yelling, screaming, You don't love Me, I hate you, etc. We tell her that if she chooses to keep up this behavior and if she has a bad day in school tomorrow...there will be no trick-or-treating. It is her choice if she wants to go or not. About 1 1/2 hrs into tantrum...she finally gives in and goes to sleep.

Oct 31 - good day in school. We went trick or treating. Behavior is "normal" for a 7 yr old.

Fast forward to Nov 5.

Mommy forgot to send show and tell on Friday Nov 2. Yes...BAD MOMMY! But Emilee is 7 and knows when show and tell is so should mommy take all the blame...Not in my opinion. But for her benefit..I will.

Nov 5 - Emilee gets home from AS and daddy is going thru her backpack to check her homework. He finds her little play dress up high heel shoes. He asks her why they are in her backpack and if Mommy knew they were there. She said yes, mommy knows. Enter mommy and JP. No mommy doesn't know that the dress up shoes went to school. When Daddy talks to Emilee some more, she says she snuck them because MOMMY forgot to send show and tell on Friday. They are broken now because so-and-so tried to take them away from her. Enter crying...screaming...yelling... "You don't love me. You hate me. You love JP More. " Bedtime rolls around and we're still having a tantrum. Up & out of bed...back to bed....yelling...slamming doors....throwing toys against the wall...kicking the wall...kicking mommy....hitting the wall....yep...we saw (what we thought) was it all that night. Eventually, she tired herself out enough that they FINALLY fell asleep. (About 2 hrs into tantrum)

Fast forward to Nov 11.

Home from respite. All is going well. Bedtime rolls around...I'm not going to post what went on next....read my previous entry from this morning.

When I sit back and analyze these 3 weeks...3 tantrums. Here's my conclusions...

1. Up until last night...they were started by her doing something she KNEW was wrong and us trying to discuss it with her afterschool.

2. Last night I'm not sure what her prob was...respite??? Maybe

3. Each time has lasted just a little longer than the previous.

4. Her behavior each time has gotten more intense/destructive.

5. Her language has gotten more abusive both towards herself and towards us.

6. Now...why though is this just 1 time per week. The other days she truly is a good kid. We have had VERY FEW issues other than these specific days/nights. I just don't understand.

Well now it is only about 20 minutes before I need to leave so I better finish up my work. I'll update tomorrow on how tonight goes.

The Tag

Ok I've been tagged by Trace...so here you go...

6 Little Known facts about me...

1. I've been diagnosed with pre-cancerous / cancerous cervical cells 3 times in the past 10 years. My next checkup is this Thurs am so keep your fingers crossed all goes well this year (however, it wasn't all well last year and yet they wanted to wait until after this year to decide what/if anything should be done so I'm not holding out too much hope for a good report. Maybe if you guys have that hope for me it will turn out good...K?)

2. Hubby and I met in 2000 when we were working at the same place of employement. I HATED him when I met him. Little did I know that less than 3 years later, I would be saying "I DO" to him and I love him more than life itself now! :-)

3. I have an identical twin sister and in kindergarten we were in the same class. We decided to trick the teacher and switch spots in class. It would have worked, EXCEPT instead of writing her name on my papers like I was supposed to I wrote my name on them and she wrote my name on them...OOPS!

4. I was raped at the age of 16 by my "MR WONDERFUL BOYFRIEND". That took me MANY MANY years to say out loud. Thankfully my mom is a very observant person and noticed a change in me within a couple days and thru process of elimination, figured out what happened. How could someone who "loved" me do this to me? Moms...they are so smart. One minute Mr. Wonderful can do no wrong...the next I want nothing to do with him. Gotta love you mom!

5. I have been a foster mom to 12 kids in 2 years and have loved every minute of it. I will always have a special place in my heart for G, our first foster daughter, and am very happy that G's adoptive family has invited us to be a part of G's life. They truely are WONDERFUL people.

6. I have in the past and still do struggle with anorexia. It's a disease that is very difficult to overcome. Although I know I don't need to lose weight, when I look in the mirror...I really do see something totally different. It's something that I will probably struggle with all of my life. This is also made worse with the STRESS in my life...do I have stress in my life?? Hmm...let me count thy ways....Thankfully...my family is very supportive of me! Boy...I Love my family!

So here it goes...I tag...No Swimmers, Dream Mommy , Little Did I Know, and anyone else who wants to participate.

The Meltdown

happened last night....

Ok let me back up just a second...

the kids were at the respite home from Friday night until yesterday about 4:30pm. Friday night drop off went MUCH better than I expected. Emilee needed 2 hugs from me but otherwise, no tears, nothing. They were off and playing right away. Good deal!

According to the respite home, the weekend went very well. JP was very good. No problems at all. Emilee had a few issues but nothing too out of the ordinary. Just a few things they thought were odd with her manerysms (?sp). They were right in thinking the way they were - it is how she is ...it all stems back to her life with bio mom and what she was exposed to.

Fast forward to Sunday afternoon 4:30pm. I picked them up. All seemed fine. The kids were happy to see me and I was happy to see them. We got home and they gave daddy hugs and then went about playing outside (it was in the 50's! :-)) Supper came and went with no issues. Then it was bedtime and the meltdown began (only we had NO IDEA where we were headed)

Emilee was overly pokey in getting to bed. Then once she did...she didn't stay there for long. Her head hurt. Her stomach hurt. Her arm hurt. You name it...she claimed it hurt. I asked her when it started hurting and she said at E&D's house. Well sorry...but if you were hurting THAT bad you wouldn't have been playing outside like you were and you wouldn't have eaten supper so well. So back to bed she went.

Then she started talking about puking all over her bed and the floor in her room. We ignored her. Then she got up and came out of her room again. We took her back to bed. This went on for over 30 minutes. Her getting up...us taking her back to bed. Finally we started sending her back to bed without taking her there. That made her even more upset. She wasn't getting her way anymore. Then she started hitting/kicking us and the walls/doors/etc. Then we became frightened for our safety and hers/JP's. That was the nail in the coffin so to say.

I didn't sleep all night. Why should I be feeling this way in my own home? I thought back to a fellow blogger friend who recently went thru a somewhat similar issue. I remember reading her thoughts/feelings on what she was going thru and it really was comforting to me. As a somewhat new foster parent (2 yrs is all we've been doing this), it helps me so much to read about what other foster parents are going thru and how they are dealing with it to help us IRL.

I have been on the phone ALL morning. I have cried many many tears. I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I love this little girl and I think of her as my own and yet I don't know how to help her. Today being "Vetran's Day Observed" all of our lovely social service offices are closed. Thankfully I have the cell numbers and home numbers of my local sw and her supervisor. They are wonderful. My local sw is in Utah visiting some kids that are placed there and she was more than willing to make phone calls for me from there to help me out! What a wonderful woman she is. I'm lucky and I know it. Finally I was able to track down the a sw from the county where the kids are from. Isn't it fun to call the police dept and try to explain who you are and what you need and then you get a sw who doesn't know you or the kids very well and you have to explain everything to her. Luckily she was great to talk to and agreed to go into the office and wait for a fax from the hospital where I was able to get Emilee in tonight for a needs assessment. I have heard this hospital has a great unit for kids. I hope they can help Emilee (and US). This has been a very difficult day and I presume it's only going to get worse before it gets better.

If you're still reading...thanks. Any advice is greatly appreciated! Now i need to get ahold of our adoption worker and let her know that we can no longer accept adoption placement for Emilee at Christmas. We aren't backing out of it...but if she's like this at 7 what will she be like at 13? We need to get her some help BEFORE we sign that dotted line and help is harder to come by. Hopefully, they will stay on top of things since all parental rights have been terminated and they are really wanting to get this adoption finalized.