As my "cluttered mind" quiz showed, I have too many things going on in my brain. I should talk to a therapist. I know that. I do have plans to do that. I've started my New Year's Resolutions (or at least listing them) and seeing a Therapist is one of them. I'm just not sure where that would fit into my OVERLOADED schedule right now. So for now...I'm laying it out there to all of you. (and You're welcome in advance! since i know you will all say THANK YOU to me for having you suffer thru reading all this!)
I've been following a lot of my fellow bloggers currently seeking fertility treatments and that has me thinking a lot lately. What if we had continued with our treatments? Hubby (ok, I'm stuck with that name for now as my brain does not have room to be creative right now) wasn't too keen on the idea of using a donor; however, using him is not an option. Maybe after this trek thru the foster care system, he would feel differently. Would we be parents now if we had continued with treatments? Would we be parents now if we had went ahead with the adoption agency when we first went to their meeting 3 years ago? What if...what if...what if.
What do I want? I want to be a forever mom to an infant. (Ok, before i go any further with this, I want to remind you that I do LOVE Emilee and JP. I do WANT to be their FOREVER MOM. I just want MORE than that). Although I didn't think being pregnant was such a big deal...the more I think about it, the more I think I want to experience it. It's not like it's a MUST, but it is something I want to experience. I want to know if all the things my sister wined/moped/b**ched about is for real. I want to be up in the night feeding my child and bonding with MY child. I want to hear that child call me MOMMY and not have to share that term with anyone else. (I know - I'm selfish) Especially when it has a negative meeting when applied to the other party. When we had G and she called us Mommy and Daddy, it was so wonderful. She didn't know any different. I want to see their first smile, hear their first giggle, I want to smell the "clean baby" smell after a bath, I want to see the first roll over, the first crawl, the first steps (ok we saw G & L take their first steps and that was SO AWESOME!). Does any of this make sense?
But now on the other hand...how will Emilee and JP react to this? Is it fair to bring a biological child into this mix of things? Will Emilee and JP resent us for it? Emilee wants a baby in the house, but what happens when it's a baby that NEVER leaves? Will she still handle it ok?
I know right now we have enough going on in our lives. It's not that I want to run back to the doc right away and start up fertility treatments or anything (although I DO WANT to do that...I know it's not realistic right now). We need to get Emilee and JP settled, we need to get their issues stabilized.
I know Hubby and I need to discuss this too. But like I said, bringing it up to him right now just wouldn't be worth it. There is far too many things going on now. That's a conversation for us to have after the holidays. But I also know what he'll say...Emilee and JP are enough to handle. They are...but is that enough for me? That is the question and I really don't think it is.
I'm also not getting any younger. I'm 28,Hubby is 34. Yea, we can wait a few more years but if we wait too long...what will that do for our chances? I don't know. No one knows.
I read everyone's blogs about getting babies in foster care. Originally Hubby and I had said we wouldn't take any child over the age of 4 due to the "baggage" that they usually come with. We'll we've done it and I'm always the one who pushed him and said, we should take the kids. With Emilee and JP, it was no different. I wanted them. According to what we were told their issues were, they were minor. Well as we've learned since they came to us, certain parts of their history were left out of the info we received on "accident". I don't believe for one minute that those parts were left out on "accident" but that's beside the point now. Had we known what we know now, I can't say that we would have taken this placement. This is the exact reason why we didn't want to take older kids. I'm not ready to deal with all this. Now I have no choice. The kids are here. THey have no family. They have no parents in a sense as all rights have been terminated. Now I almost feel "stuck" with them. Yes I could call the county and tell them they have to move them but what good would that do the kids? Afterall, we do foster care FOR the kids. They NEED us. So why do I feel so bad and so "stuck" by all of this?
Oh and to top it all off...my van went to the shop today due to NO HEAT! Guess that's a problem when you live in ND with highs in the single digits and low teens above zero. No wonder I couldn't keep my windshield unfrozen on the way home last night in the freezing rain.