Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Time to empty my brain...

As my "cluttered mind" quiz showed, I have too many things going on in my brain. I should talk to a therapist. I know that. I do have plans to do that. I've started my New Year's Resolutions (or at least listing them) and seeing a Therapist is one of them. I'm just not sure where that would fit into my OVERLOADED schedule right now. So for now...I'm laying it out there to all of you. (and You're welcome in advance! since i know you will all say THANK YOU to me for having you suffer thru reading all this!)

I've been following a lot of my fellow bloggers currently seeking fertility treatments and that has me thinking a lot lately. What if we had continued with our treatments? Hubby (ok, I'm stuck with that name for now as my brain does not have room to be creative right now) wasn't too keen on the idea of using a donor; however, using him is not an option. Maybe after this trek thru the foster care system, he would feel differently. Would we be parents now if we had continued with treatments? Would we be parents now if we had went ahead with the adoption agency when we first went to their meeting 3 years ago? What if...what if...what if.

What do I want? I want to be a forever mom to an infant. (Ok, before i go any further with this, I want to remind you that I do LOVE Emilee and JP. I do WANT to be their FOREVER MOM. I just want MORE than that). Although I didn't think being pregnant was such a big deal...the more I think about it, the more I think I want to experience it. It's not like it's a MUST, but it is something I want to experience. I want to know if all the things my sister wined/moped/b**ched about is for real. I want to be up in the night feeding my child and bonding with MY child. I want to hear that child call me MOMMY and not have to share that term with anyone else. (I know - I'm selfish) Especially when it has a negative meeting when applied to the other party. When we had G and she called us Mommy and Daddy, it was so wonderful. She didn't know any different. I want to see their first smile, hear their first giggle, I want to smell the "clean baby" smell after a bath, I want to see the first roll over, the first crawl, the first steps (ok we saw G & L take their first steps and that was SO AWESOME!). Does any of this make sense?

But now on the other will Emilee and JP react to this? Is it fair to bring a biological child into this mix of things? Will Emilee and JP resent us for it? Emilee wants a baby in the house, but what happens when it's a baby that NEVER leaves? Will she still handle it ok?

I know right now we have enough going on in our lives. It's not that I want to run back to the doc right away and start up fertility treatments or anything (although I DO WANT to do that...I know it's not realistic right now). We need to get Emilee and JP settled, we need to get their issues stabilized.

I know Hubby and I need to discuss this too. But like I said, bringing it up to him right now just wouldn't be worth it. There is far too many things going on now. That's a conversation for us to have after the holidays. But I also know what he'll say...Emilee and JP are enough to handle. They are...but is that enough for me? That is the question and I really don't think it is.

I'm also not getting any younger. I'm 28,Hubby is 34. Yea, we can wait a few more years but if we wait too long...what will that do for our chances? I don't know. No one knows.

I read everyone's blogs about getting babies in foster care. Originally Hubby and I had said we wouldn't take any child over the age of 4 due to the "baggage" that they usually come with. We'll we've done it and I'm always the one who pushed him and said, we should take the kids. With Emilee and JP, it was no different. I wanted them. According to what we were told their issues were, they were minor. Well as we've learned since they came to us, certain parts of their history were left out of the info we received on "accident". I don't believe for one minute that those parts were left out on "accident" but that's beside the point now. Had we known what we know now, I can't say that we would have taken this placement. This is the exact reason why we didn't want to take older kids. I'm not ready to deal with all this. Now I have no choice. The kids are here. THey have no family. They have no parents in a sense as all rights have been terminated. Now I almost feel "stuck" with them. Yes I could call the county and tell them they have to move them but what good would that do the kids? Afterall, we do foster care FOR the kids. They NEED us. So why do I feel so bad and so "stuck" by all of this?

Oh and to top it all van went to the shop today due to NO HEAT! Guess that's a problem when you live in ND with highs in the single digits and low teens above zero. No wonder I couldn't keep my windshield unfrozen on the way home last night in the freezing rain.


Kathy said...

I can understand how you're overwhelming all of this can be, how you can feel "stuck", how you want to experience being a Mommy to an infant, the guilt about all that you're feeling, etc.

I know that going to a therapist has helped me tremendously. I was ready to just have a nervous breakdown, and I was to a point that I almost hated being a Mommy to an older child. I hated feeling that way. My therapist, and the medication, has helped me SO really amazes me.

You are not being selfish to feel the way that you do either. It's human and natural to want to Mother an infant, and to experience everything from the start. It's good that you realize what you want and that you're thinking about your options.


Julie said...

When I got into foster care- I thought I would take older kids like yours for the reason that I am a therapist and I thought I could handle the issues that come with them. As it turned out I have only been called on itty bittys. And now- I don't think I would take older ones but who knows. I have experienced the late night feedings and all the "firsts" and it is an amazing experience- I won't lie! The only thing I haven't had is the 9 months to prepare and the breast feeding. I will be 40 this year so I am not sure those two things will ever happen for me and I am not sure I am too upset about it. yes I do think about it occassionally especially when I get so fed up with they system. I consider getting a donor and having my own- if I could- I never have tried. That is still not off the table but getting close to the edge. :) I understand our need as women to love and care for an infant- to mold their little lives and nuture them from the beginning. It is hard to imagine not getting to do that but- I have gotten to do that to a couple little ones who I had to say good bye to as they went back to live with family members and that was bitter sweet. I got to experience the "firsts" but had to pass them on. (this is turning into a post- ha- sorry) I would say- if your hubby is not on board with getting a donor- then hold out for an infant in foster care- it will happen. There are just too many out there waiting. I think after this is all over with my G, I will go on the adopt only list- I can't deal with the foster side anymore here- maybe that is an option for you there?

All to say- Hang in there- you have been through a lot lately and don't make any big decisions right now- your too vulnerable. Let things settle for a moment and see how you feel in a few weeks. This whole process gets the best and the worst of us- we just have to stay strong in the midst of it all!

Trace said...

Jodi, you know I went to fertility after hanging in adoption world for a few years. And yes, we are using a donor. How did I get Sweetness to agree? Unfortunately, we both felt so hurt and burned by domestic adoption that he was willing. It was after I testified at the grand jury trial. BTW, she was convicted (correct term?), but hasn't gone to trial. If she does I'll have to testify, UGH! More emotional upheaval.

I don't think I could do foster care. I can't comprehend falling in love w/a child only to have to 'return' the child to a potentially bad situation. I think it is too painful, and I applaud you for your strength.

Why can't you do fertility and foster adoption at the same time? I know it is time consuming w/all the monitoring appointments and such. However, it's not too pricey if you do IUI. In my case (I live in a big city where cost of living is probably higher than in ND), my inseminations are $320.00. The sperm was the most expensive part and the fertility testing was covered by insurance. If we are unsuccessful and opt to try something more expensive than inseminations we will take out a home equity loan, or if we choose to go back to adoption there are a number of options.

For example in Colombia you can adopt a child under 6 months and in some of the eastern European countries you can also adopt a very young baby.

I agree w/Kathy. You're not being selfish to want a baby. Older children come w/a lot of baggage, and it's a special person who can handle that.

If you want to talk about it you know where to find me.

Amanda said...

I understand exactly where you are. From the beginning PB and I have wanted to only take babies for this very reason - I think it's easier to feel like a mom to a child when you've been there from the beginning.

I also know that some women want (maybe even need?)to experience pregnancy for themselves. I have never been one of those women but I can understand why that might be a big deal. For me, I think wistfully about fertility treatments all the time, simply so that I will never have to wonder if / when my baby is going home.

Fostering is hard, hard work. I think the best thing you can do is know and respect your own limits and needs. It sounds like, right now, you need to think about fertility treatments.

I hope the conversation with hubby goes well.