Wednesday, December 19, 2007

I Lost it this morning

After a morning of dirty looks and talking back...I lost it.

Me: Emilee come here.

Em: (Staring at me)

Me: I'm not birth mom

Em: I know that. (extremely snotty tone to her voice)

Me: I know birth mom hurt you. I know you are angry at her. I know you love her. That is all normal. You need to remember that I'm not her though. I'm not going to hurt you. But I can not have you treating me this way. You have lied to people. You have told them that I hurt you. I have had to talk to the cops (ok - CPS but she wouldn't have understood who that was) because of these lies. I have NEVER hurt you. I will NEVER hurt you. But this is me and daddy's house. OUR rules will be followed in this house. If you CHOOSE to not follow OUR rules, YOUR choices may lead to you not being safe in this house. Is that what you want?

Em: (just staring at me)

Me: (crying) I love you Emilee. I will ALWAYS LOVE you! You behaviors won't change how much I LOVE YOU! BUT, I need to be safe in my home. Daddy needs to be safe in his home. Jacob needs to be safe in this home. You need to be safe in this home. You need to quit blaming everyone else. You need to somehow let me in to help you. I only want what is best for you and Jacob. And we can't go on like we are.

Em: giving me a big hug and telling me she's sorry. Mommy..don't cry.

Ok. that's the abreviated discussion from this morning. I said a lot that I probably shouldn't have said but I'm at my breaking point. I can't do this much longer. I can't have my name drug thru the mud for this little girl anymore.

****Note...I've made the call for therapy. Now I just have to wait for them to call me back to schedule an appointment.


Yondalla said...

Sweetie...I understand.

You have to live it, I think, to get it. They can explain it to you, and you can imagine it, and in your imagination your are emotionally strong -- insulated from the words of this child. Why would the words of a child or the look on a child's face bother you? You can be superior and calm and know it is not about you.

But then you live it, and you are vulnerable. And it hurts. And there is no safe place. It is not like having to face a jerk on the subway. This is your home and there is no place to be where you don't have to deal with all this negatively pushed at you.

I just want you to know that I do understand. I do.

Julie said...

Fortunately I have not lived it yet but if I stay in this much longer the day will probably come- but I do hurt for you and Emilee. It sounds like you did a great job explaining all this to her- she is old enough to understand and to hear you say "nothing will change that" I hope she let that sink in- sadly she may need to hear these same words many more times to really "hear" them. I hope things get better- maybe this was a good breaking point- that is my prayer! Hang in there- hugs!

Amanda said...

It sounds to me like you said she you needed to say for your own sake and I can only hope that it will help eventually.

I can hear (well read) the desperation and while I have no firsthand experience of this I can imagine what you're going through. I wish I could help.

Kathy said...

I'm so sorry that things are so hard right now.

These children (from the foster care system) come with so much baggage, and they have learned to cope in such sad can be so hard to deal with sometimes.

I hope that therapy will help, that things can be worked out, and that you can find peace and happiness soon.


Mary said...

I have lived this and done the same thing. Like Yondalla said, you are vulnerable. You've opened your heart and home and she's stomping on it. And that hurts.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with letting her know what you're feeling and thinking, even if it's through tears. Sometimes, I think they need to see that to know we have feelings too.