Wednesday, October 31, 2007


I don't know if I've said the decision was made for sure or not so here it is. Respite is going to happen!!! :-) I think I'm way more excited than Hubby but I also am the one who deals with the kids way more than Hubby. We will go on Sat afternoon to meet the Respite family. Just spend a half hour or so getting the kids acquainted. Then this Sunday they will watch the kids for a couple hours in the afternoon. Then the following Friday, Nov 9, I will drop the kiddos off at their home on my way home from work. There's no school for either kids Nov 9 or 12 so they will both be at daycare so I can save myself some extra miles. Then I will ENJOY a weekend to do what I want to do and pick the kiddos back up again on Sunday late afternoon. Hubby may end up working, we don't know yet, but even if he works on Sat, we will still have Sat night and sunday most of the day to ourselves! What to do...what to do????

So here begins my countdown....9 days and counting...

(Is it wrong to be so excited?????)

I'm still feeling depressed and


Yet again, I'm taking some cash outta my pocket and giving it to my employer so that the salesman can sell a car and the business can make a profit. (Not literally, but my commission is based on a percentage of the total finance reserves less bank fees. So for example, when our wonderful GM agrees to a $700 bank fee and we only had $300 in reserves, it's a big whopping (-$400) against my commission. As if this isn't bad enough...the deal originally had a $1900 bank reserve on it. SO not only do I now get hit with the bank fee, I lost $1600 in bank reserve from the original deal. This is due to the fact our salesman INCORRECTLY recorded the customers gross monthly income and so upon trying to prove that income - it was discovered that it was $6000/month less than originally stated.) Last month I "gave" the business $40 on 1 deal! Am I wrong for being just a little perturbed???? What's wrong with this picture??? I didn't realize how much I was PAYING my employer to let me work here.

Last night JP was a BRAT on the way home. He didn't want to listen at all. Report cards came home yesterday and he has a lot of "N's" on his. N standing for Needs Improvement. Ok, so we know he is extremely delayed but I was trying to work with him on learning our phone number on the way home. (Remember - it's 25 miles so we had plenty of time). He all out REFUSED to even try. What a brat. I'd say...say 2-4-2 and he would say 4-2-6. or whatever. You get the point. He just would say numbers that were totally not what I was saying. We've tried this before and I know he knows the 1st three numbers. That's all I want him to learn at this point and yet he doesn't even try. I blew up in the car at him. I told him I was tired of the way he was treating me. He shows me no respect and he doesn't treat daddy this way. He doesn't even act like this when daddy is around. Just mommy and it's not fair to mommy. I didn't do anything to him. I am just trying to help him and his teacher said he needs to learn his phone number. He's a big boy in Kindergarten and needs to do his homework. He got very quiet after that. I know i shouldn't have lost my temper but it has been a long time coming. I watch the way the kids act when Hubby is around. It's totally different than when I am around alone. The mornings getting ready are the worst! I can NEVER please them.

Then Hubby got a not so nice report about little Miss Emilee during the AS program yesterday. She was running around SWEARING (yep my innocent little girl said naughty words) and hitting a boy. When we tried to talk to her about it..she got FURIOUS with us and told us she didn't have to talk about it. She said another little girl MADE her say those naughty words. Ok, whatever. Then at bedtime she thru and all out fit crying and screaming and yelling and throwing things at the top of her lungs. When i finally had had enough, I had Hubby stand outside her door so he could hear what I was saying and I went in to talk to her. I asked her what her issues were. She told me she didn't know. I told her if she didn't know what was wrong, then there was no reason to be throwing such a fit. She stopped instantly. She asked if she still got to go trick or treating. I asked her if she thought she deserved to go? She said No. I told her I would make that decision based on how she acted the rest of the night and how her day in school was today. We'll see if we are going or not when she gets home from the bus tonight about 4pm.

I really don't know how much more of this I can take....

Monday, October 29, 2007

Feeling crummy

Ok, this is your warning..I'm having a horrible day and I'm going to just vent...

I hate my job. (did you figure that out from the last post??)
I hate my job.
I hate my job.
(I think you get the idea).

I'm tired.
I'm tired of the crap people are pulling here at work.
I'm tired of the kids' behavior issues.

I need a break from my job.
I need a break from my kids issues. (notice I didn't say from the kids)
I need a break from everything going on in my life.

I cry at the smallest thing. Something that would normally make me laugh, is making me cry. I have too much on my plate right now but I don't know how to get anything off my plate either. There isn't really anything that can be taken off right now. It's only going to get worse too with the lovely holidays coming up.

I am being taken advantage of at my job and I know it and I'm so tired of people backstabbing other people around here that I could scream. Our office manager/HR director is the worst! She thinks her poop doesn't stink. I have gotten a certain part of my job given back to me 3 weeks in a row. It always has the same stuff on it and it's stuff that SHE needs to do. Payments she says aren't made, are made. She just needs to book them. incentives she says haven't been claimed - have been. I have the proof that it is done from my end. It's her end that needs fixing but you can't tell her that. She was complaining to another lady in the office about me and saying, "Well I guess I'll just have to do it myself". I showed P the stuff - she knows it's not me. I then went to our GM and talked with him. He had a nasty note from HR about me. I didn't do it - it's HER not doing HER job. Mine is done. If I was wrong...I'd take the blame and do the corrections, but I can honestly say...IT'S NOT ME!

This am JP would not eat breakfast. He was awake at 6:20am and was told to go back to bed and that made him mad so that was the end of a good morning. I'm sorry buddy, but there is no reason that you are up at 6:20am! (I usually wake them about 6:50-7:00am). I heard him in his room playing instead of laying down like I asked him to do, but I never went in there because I was choosing my battles and that wasn't one I wanted to fight today. When I finally went to get him, he refused to take his medicine. Then he had to go to the bathroom (you could set you clock by him going to the bathroom - I know TMI). He litterly played in the bathroom for 15 minutes by just sitting on the toilet. UGH! By now it's 7:10am. I asked him if he wanted to eat breakfast.

Me: Let's get up to the table and have a poptart and some juice
Me: You need to eat, honey. It's a long time until lunch at school.
JP: I don't want to eat.
Me: Ok, then get in your room and get dressed first. Your clothes are on your bed.
JP: I don't want to get dressed
Me: You don't have a choice. You have school today (Leading him to his room)
JP: I wanna eat breakfast.
Me: You told me you didn't want to. Get dressed first - then get up to the table and eat.
Me: Whatever (walking away)
JP: (in his room) I WANT TO EAT FIRST!
Me: Get dressed first. Then come and eat and you need to hurry up. (It's now 7:20am)
Me: JP - It's your choice. Either dress yourself and come eat or I'll dress you once I'm ready to go and by that time there won't be time for you to eat. You choose!

So I go finish getting ready for work and getting Emilee ready for the bus. Then I go check on him and he's still sitting on the floor in his bedroom in his underwear (which happens to be a pull up right now because we have had some poop in our underwear EVERY day for the last week.)
I feel a little guilty sending him to school in a pull-up but at least in Kindergarten they have a bathroom right in their room so it's a single stall and he doesn't have to be embarrassed. Yet, if he's pooping in his underwear in school...that's GROSS!

I'm worrying about how I'm going to tell the kids that they are going to a respite home. I know what that is going to bring for behaviors but I NEED a break. I'm worn out. Mentally, physically, emotionally...I can't do this much more without something. Hubby helps out but he's super busy at work with harvest and was working until 11pm 4 nights last week. When he is home, he is busy trying to get the yard ready for winter. I don't blame him for not being in the house much...the yard does need a lot of work before the snow flies. I wish I could help him but I can't trust the kids in the house by themselves and when they leave their hats/gloves in their lockers EVERY NIGHT, they can't play outside. JP is CONSTANTLY losing his stuff and it's ending up in the lost and found at school. I thought 3 hats/pairs of gloves for each of them would be enough...guess not. What am I supposed to do when they don't have anything at home to wear to school on their head/hands each morning? I feel terrible sending then with nothing on, but I can't keep going to buy them more and more just because they can't seem to bring it home.

I probably need to try to find someone to talk to that really understands how I am feeling. Hubby tries, but he just doesn't get it sometimes. My family listens but they don't understand.
I'm just really feeling depressed today. Hopefully the kids will be better tonight and things will go more smoothly. I'm going to email the place where I applied for a new job and see if they have made a decision or have any questions. Maybe that will help my mood; yet I'm scared to get turned down. If I don't ask, then I can still have hope, right???



If I think positive thoughts....will it come true??? Doubtful!

Hope you're Monday is going better than mine.

Halloween has begun and other stuff

or at least the craze has officially begun in our household. Emilee had a Halloween carnival at her school on Sat night. Being the nice mom that I am, we went even though their behavior during the day on Sat wasn't exactly deserving of the fun night. Hubby even came with (he knew he'd be in the doghouse if he didn't!LOL). The kids were so cute. I do think I had more fun getting them ready than they had going! I will HAVE to take pictures of them on Wed night and post them. I'll save it as a surprise as to what they are going to be until then.... I'm so mean aren't I???
Our weekend was otherwise uneventful. We had a visit from the adoption sw on Sat. She discussed for the first time with the kids what her job is. (Up until then, we had just told them that she was another sw). We also started the kids' Life Books for the adoption. That was fun. They weren't too interested in them though. Oh well.

Sat night we had supper at my parent's house before going to the carnival. MMMMMM was it good. I really can't wait for the holidays to be here so I can have some more home cookin'!
I should here sometime this week whether or not I got the job. I'm not very optimistic as they told me at the interview that they would mail me out a job description and I've never gotten it. Guess that's not a good sign. Oh well...I'll keep looking.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Words of Wisdom

Words of Wisdom (big thanks to Trace for posting these today)

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.Just leave me alone.
* * *************************
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.
************************* * *
It's always darkest before dawn. So, if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you're unique-- just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when othersdiscover your good qualitieswithout your help.
If you lend someone $20,and never see that person again,it was probably worth it.
Remember, when someone annoys you,it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack that jerk upside the head.
The things that come to those who wait are what's left behind by those who got there first.
Never underestimate the powerof stupid people in large groups.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Some days you are the bug,some days you are the windshield.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Timing has an awful lot to dowith the outcome of a rain dance.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Generally speaking,you aren't learning muchwhen your mouth is moving.
Anything worth taking seriouslyis worth making fun of.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie"while looking for a bigger stick.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away,and you have their shoes.
If Barbie is so popular,why do you have to buy her friends?
Experience is something you don't getuntil just after you need it.
Don't be irreplaceable;if you can't be replaced,you can't be promoted.
You can go anywhere you want if you look seriousand carry a clipboard.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

A crazy week this has been

Monday and Tuesday were pretty quiet. Not a lot going on with work or at home or anything. I found out that we have a home visit with the adoption sw on Sat afternoon so have been busy trying to get the house "presentable". JP also came home with a note from his school that they have a confirmed case of Hand,Foot, Mouth disease in the school. YUCK! However, I didn't think too much of it on Monday night. Then on Wed morning I got a call from his teacher. He was complaining that his tongue hurt. She didn't see any blisters in his mouth but wanted to see what I thought. I told her to just watch him and call me if something changed. Well about 1 1/2 hrs later she called again. Another student from his class had blisters in his mouth and was being sent home. Well, ok, I'll come get him. I took him in to the doc right away and he found no blisters so we are in the clear (at least for now). Then him and I went home for the afternoon. I got a lot done so I guess it was ok to have the time off. Last night, he coughed ALL NIGHT LONG. Poor little guy. So we decided to keep him home from school today and let him rest. He just layed on the couch and watched cartoons all day. Even took a 3 hr nap. Now this is my child who has ADHD! It's not like him to just lay on the couch and do nothing. He didn't even try to talk to me about anything while he was laying there. Still no blisters though so maybe he's just catching a cold??? Let's hope so. I don't need to be off work for 7-10 days while this virus runs it's course. Hubby came home from work at 3:30pm so I could come into work for a couple hours. Not that we're overly busy but if I put in 2 hrs during the day, I can be paid for the whole day, so why not come in???? I've been playing games on line the whole time. Tough job!

Well other than the visit on Sat, no big plans for the weekend. I have "conned" mommy into cooking supper for us Sat night. I'm really craving a "home cooked meal" of meat, potatoes and gravy and she agreed to do it. I could make it myself but it never tastes as good as when she does it. Plus it's been ages since we've been to their lake home (and it's only 9 miles from our house!) I know, bad daughter!

So what are your plans for the weekend???

Monday, October 22, 2007

The weekend in a nutshell

We started the kids on their new meds.

Emilee did very well taking her tablet and was able to swallow it on the first try. It's the very first time she's ever tried to swallow medicine (so she tells us). JP on the other hand was a different story.

We really didn't tell the kids too much about what they were taking. Emilee - just that it would help her feel better when she is feeling sad and so she maybe won't feel so sad so often. She said that is a good thing...she doesn't like feeling so sad all the time. JP - we told him that it would help him be able to sit and do his homework better so he could listen to what we were trying to tell him and help him learn better in school.

His response "I DON'T NEED IT. I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN". Poor little guy, if you only realized that you don't have a choice. I'm not asking you if you WANT to take it...I'm telling you that you are GOING to take it. Well I've been practicing keeping my cool and not raising my voice at all and I think I'm doing better (let's NOT ask Hubby right now...k?LOL). So after wasting 2 pills trying to get him to learn how to swallow - I finally figured out how to open the capsule and put the med on a spoon with some pudding and made him swallow it that way. (Ok, I know - developmentally he's only 3 yrs 3 months and what 3 year old can swallow a capsule...that's why I finally figured out how to open it up).

We didn't see any thing major in the terms of side effects yesterday during the day (not that I really expected to but I was extra watchful anyways). The kids went to bed fine but at 3am JP was crying in our doorway. Hubby woke up first.

Hubby: What's wrong?
JP: I'm scared of the dark (we try this one EVERY night when it's bed time...but his blinds are open a little so the yardlight shines in so he has a night light of sorts)
Hubby (getting out of bed): Come's the middle of the night and you need to go back to bed. You'll be fine

Hubby takes him back to bed and gives him another teddy bear (count is now at 2 plus his blanket). Then he comes back to bed. Fast forward to 4:52am.

Hubby: Did you hear JP?
Me: No - why what did he do?
Hubby: He was just in here.
Me: Oh. (falling back to sleep or never really waking up)
Hubby: Well go see what his problem is.
Me: Fine (getting out of bed and putting my robe on)

I walk down to the other end of the house and JP meets me at his door.

Me: What's wrong buddy?
JP: I want to get up mommy.
Me; You can't get up. It's still the middle of the night. You need to go back to sleep. You have school in the morning.
JP: I don't want to mommy.
Me; You have to
JP: I don't want to. (This goes back and forth a few hundred more times (ok...a little exageration but it seemed like forever).

Finally I get him tucked in and head back to bed knowing that the alarm is going to go off in less than 30 minutes so I wonder why I'm even laying back down. Then I hear crying coming from the other end of the house

Me: What's wrong JP?
JP: This is Emilee's stuffed rabbit.
Me: So? Why do you have it?
JP: Daddy gave it to me.
Me: So cuddle with it and try to get some more sleep. Emilee is sleeping. She doesn't care.
JP: Ok, mommy.

Back to bed I go. 25 minutes until alarm sounds and counting....

It was like having a baby in the house again that needed feeding in the middle of the night. Except this "baby" could talk back! I knew this was a side effect of the meds but WOW I hope this is not how we are going to be every night. If it is, we'll have to do something different. The poor guy slept all the way to school this am in the van. Luckily we met his teacher outside so we could talk.

Here's hoping tonight goes better!

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Are you keeping your fingers crossed???

Ok, remember a few days ago I asked you all to keep your fingers crossed? Are they??? The reason you are doing this is because I had a job interview yesterday afternoon. It's for the office manager position at a local clinic that is opening in Dec. The interview went good (in my opinion) and I'm hopeful that I will get it. They said they have a few more interviews this coming week and then will make a decision. They also told me I was the first one they interviewed. So...that could be good or bad. The last person they interview will be fresh on their minds. Being first though, I can say that everyone else will have to measure up to me. (I think highly of myself don't I??LOL)

Keep those fingers crossed for me! It almost sounds too good to be true. Instead of 50+ hours/week it will be more like 35-40 MAX! Mon-Thurs 8-5, Fri 8-noon. Oh darn. NOt sure if I can handle that!

On a different note, the kids had their medical exams yesterday. They both did a VERY good job of showing the doc what kind of behaviors we deal with at home. I was so proud (said sarcastic-ly). At least the doc got to see what the kids truely act like and it's not just me sitting there saying what they do.

The doc kept asking me questions about their behaviors and I kind of looked at him like, "You want me to say this in front of them (Emilee more so than JP)? Are you nuts? Do you realize this isn't going to sound very nice in her mind????"

Well needless to say, Emilee got VERY upset about the things i was saying about her and unloaded on her daycare lady once I had dropped them off and came back to work. I felt TERRIBLE. This doc should have known better. Come one. These kids have been thru Hell and back in their little short lives and now you want me to say all the negative stuff about them to their face?????

Doc & I discussed JP's ADHD and that that is our main concern with him (he could not sit still and do what he was asked for 30 seconds in the doc office) and Em's moods/depression issues. We agreed that we need to tackle the depression with Emilee NOW before we can do anything else to help her.

Emilee and I talked last night and I told her that mommy had to tell the doctor that stuff because we are trying to help her feel better. She asked me 10 times if I still loved her. (Insert tears streaming down my face). I told her YES I LOVE YOU AND I ALWAYS WILL! She hugged me for what seemed like a hour and wouldn't let go. Poor thing. She seemed ok this morning. I will just have to reinforce to her that we love her and want her to feel better about herself.

The doc put Emilee on Zoloft and JP on Adderall. So now to you out there...what do you think about these meds? I'm getting mixed messages from people i know in "real" life.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Done with work in less than 1 hour! YIPEE!! :-) Then it's home to get some yard work done since it has FINALLY quit raining here (5 days was too much). Tomorrow the kids have a bday party at the local gymnastics club so it's back to town we come tomorrow. (It's 25 miles one way from where we live to where I work/JP goes to school). Oh's also 2 hours of "RESPITE" for me!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Trace posted this poem that she got from a adoption/infertility group. I thought it was a very nice poem so decided to post it here for you to read also. It is so true.

"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

You gotta try this...

I just got this link from a support group member at cafe mom. It's really neat (in my opinion). I honestly answered all the questions and it really made sense when you get to the answers at the end of the test. It's only 4 questions. I am supposed to email it to people; however, I thought this was easier.

This may be TMI...

No swimmers in the tube...No bun in the oven posted recently about libido and how it is affecting their situation. This brought up a lot of feelings for us so I thought I'd vent about it here.

This has been something that we have dealt with ongoing practically since we got married but it's something that isn't one sided. It's there from both sides. He claims things changed when we got married (on my end). I say things (he) changed once we knew for sure what our issues were (his infertility) even though we/he knew for a long time that was a strong possiblity.
It's tough to deal with. Other people have said the "why bother" was an issue. I think that goes for both of us. I'm so stressed out with our current situation and everything else going on that by the time my head hits the pillow - i just want to sleep. Why bother? It's not going to change anything anyways??? And it's not like we're going to get pregnant on our own.

I can't speak too much for's not a topic we really discuss a lot (although I know we should!) but from my side of things....

Everything in the past 2 years has been extremely stressful for me.
Since 2005...

1. 2 failed DIUI's summer 2005

2. We became foster parents (sept 2005) and have had at least 1 child but usually between 2-4 kids for most of that time ---3 month break March-June 07 only

3. From April 2006-Aug 2006 I lost 8 family members including my 2 grandpa's and a cousin who committed suicide (rest were a little more distant but still family)

4. Our little girl Gabby was "ripped from our home" on Nov 26, 2006 @ 7:45am

5. dealt with 2 meth babies from Sept 2006-Jan 2007 with little to no help from sw

6. 2 wrist surgeries July 2006 to repair torn tendons & Sept 2006 emergency surgery to remove staph infection and incl 1 week hospital stay and IV's at home for 3 weeks.

7. Em & JP were placed with us in June 2007 & well you all know where we are with them now

8. Sister's pregnancy was hard to handle due to jealousy

9. Hubby's accident in Sept 2007 scared the crap outta me and I still have dreams at night about that.

10. Hubby and I have had our issues all along (which is a whole different blog in itself so that is all I'll say on that one).


I could keep going but I think you get the point. I do have "happy" pills that are an all natural supplement that I was given by my chiropractor. They seem to work when I take them. I'm not good at taking them though. I just feel so depressed lately that sex is the last thing on my mind. It seems that the kiddos take so much outta me that by the time they are in bed (and ASLEEP) I can't keep my eyes open. We seem to only get about 30 mins of alone time (on a good night) and then I'm off to bed. Well Hubby can make it on very little sleep (4-5 hours) where I need 7-8 hours so he's never ready to go to bed when I am. He will sometimes come to bed and we can have our time (wink wink) and then he gets back up after I fall asleep and goes on the computer or whatever. I hate this! Even though I'm asleep and he just tells me the next day what he bugs me!

My other fear is that if I go to an actual medical doctor and discuss my depressed/over stressed state of mind, what does that mean as far as foster care??? Will that throw up a red flag to our lovely system???? I'm not depressed in the state of mind that I want to do something stupid to's more of an OVER STRESSED state of mind. I'm not sure how to balance everything going on right now in my life. I'm being pulled in a hundred different directions at the same time and I can't keep up with everything.

My house is a pigsty...ok - it's not unlivable by any means and someone from the outside probably sees nothing wrong with it, but I think it's a pigsty. I want more time with my kids, but due to my lovely (and that is meant to be sarcastic) job, I don't have the time to give the kids. I want more time with my hubby but due to the afore mentioned reason for not being with my kids and MY KIDS issues, I don't have the time for him either. I want my house back to how I like it. I want to have time to organize things...I want to decorate for the holidays (Halloween is only 2 weeks away and I haven't even decorated anything)...I want I want I want. It's not like my wants are unreasonable...I just can't accomplish them. UGH.

Ok so this started out as a vent about my sex life and ended up as a vent about my life in whole....if you're still reading this...THANK YOU. Now any ideas for me????

Update on Situation

Ok. I feel better today in that I have spoken with the school and the sw and the false allegations will be noted in Emilee's file and that is as far as they will go with it. They know it is false. They said it may be different in the future if the allegations become believable but at least with this one, they are confident that that's all it was...false allegations from a little girl who has been thru hell and back in her short 7 years.

The kids did find out last night that we will be their FOREVER FAMILY. Emilee seemed VERY happy with it. She gave me hug after hug after hug and kept telling me "I love you Mom!". JP on the other hand said he was happy but I don't really think he gets it. It's hard with him..we know he isn't there developmentally and I have so many hopes/dreams for him that I hope he can catch up in the areas that he needs and he can accomplish so much in his life.

Emilee and I had a little talk when I was tucking her into bed. I asked her how she felt about what she was told. She told me she was very happy that she wouldn't have to move ever again. I asked her if this helped her worries and if she understood what it all meant. She said it did. I reminded her that we love her no matter what and told her that naughty behavior won't change anything about how we feel. She will still always stay with us and that we will always love her. We talked about how what she does in school or at other people's home will get back to us and that we may not be happy about her behavior but we still love her. She said that she feels a lot better inside knowing that she doesn't ever have to leave (I SOOO wanted to tell her that when she grows up SHE HAS TO MOVE OUT! but I figured we'd wait on that one. LOL)

On a different note, keep your fingers crossed for me until Friday afternoon...I'll explain more then.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I'm no longer immune

from outrageous accusations. Although I don't think what I am dealing with is anywhere as bad as some other people, it's bad enough in my book. I really don't want to elaborate too much right now as it just happened yesterday and until I can talk with the sw and find out exactly what the procedures are that we need to follow, I really can't say any more. Please pray that this all blows over as it is a bunch of nonsense from a little girl who was mad she had to go to the afterschool program and not home with her Uncle S.

Luckily we have home visits with both the local sw from our county and the kids' sw from their home county today so they can see that these accusations are just that. FALSE ACCUSATIONS!

Hmmmm....and to think I want to adopt this little girl...why?????

Friday, October 12, 2007


Ok...i need some advice from you seasoned foster parents out there.

The kids' therapist is really pushing for medications for Em & JP. Yes they have many many issues including ADHD, ODD, RAD, mood disorders, etc....I'm very worried about medications though. I've heard horror stories. What can you tell me about some of the meds out there. Which are working for you? Which would you say STAY AWAY FROM??? I know every kid is different and every situation is different but I don't even know where to start to research the meds before our pre-adopt checkups next week. Then I will talk with the doc at that time and see what he says.

If you want you can email me your answers if they get too long for a comment.

Have a great weekend everyone.

What a neat experience

Ok, this may be hard to read for some people so this is your warning...

My good friend K and her hubby B have invited me to be a part of their pregnancy. I am invited to all doc appts and this morning I got to be there with them for their first ultrasound. WOW! Although this is tough for me in the fact that I wish it was me experiencing all of what she is going thru, I know that isn't possible and I'm happy for K&B. They are great people. They have a 4 yr old son R. This means so much. I've only known K for about 5 years so for her and B to open up this very important part of their lives and include me, well it's beyond words. It's not like we grew up together or anything and for her to offer this to me is beyond words that I can express.

Last week I went to her appt with the doc and got to hear the heartbeat. That was neat also but to actually see the baby today was so wonderful. I am so thankful to her that she has given me this opportunity.

Never having this experience before I am just amazed. It actually brought tears to my eyes to watch the ultrasound. To see this little person who is only the size of a large grape and yet the arms/legs/face is all there. we got to see a close up of the face and it looked like he/she was smiling at us. :-) They have chosen to not find out what the baby is until he/she is born but both B & I think we saw/didn't see what was/wasn't there. I'm not going to say what I think I saw/didn't see just because I want to wait for now.

Ok, so as happy as I am to be a part of this and as thankful as I am to them for allowing me to be there every step of the is still hard. Don't get me wrong, I can't just shut off the jealousy etc that I feel when I look at pregnant women. It hurts. It hurts a lot but I know this is the closest that I will ever come to experiencing "being" pregnant so I am working VERY hard to put the hard/jealous feelings aside and be happy. Today when we got to the clinic though, there were 2 other women there who were VERY pregnant and that was like a knife thru my heart. K isn't showing yet - she's about 20 weeks - so it hasn't been too hard. Other than hearing the heartbeat and now seeing the baby....if you didn't know she was preggers - you wouldn't know. I think it may become more and more difficult for me as she starts to show and I will then have to really think about what they are giving me thru this process.

So then comes the question, how do I ever say THANK YOU enough to them for what they are allowing me to be a part of? I know they don't expect anything...they are just WONDERFUL people giving someone a gift that otherwise wouldn't be. But I feel like I need to come up with a way to thank them. My hubby thinks it's gross that I want to be involved in all this. Maybe it is. Maybe you guys think it is gross too. Who knows and frankly...I guess you could say who cares if you do? I will admit...I'm nervous about being there at delivery. It's just such a personal moment and I plan to step out of the room and let them have that family time.

So anyways...I hope you don't mind but from time to time I will probably be using this blog to talk about my feelings along this journey of my life.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

New school

is going GREAT! I would NEVER have thought that I would be excited to see my 5 yr old come home with homework but at least now I know they are making him TRY. Last night he came home with 3 papers that said "Please finish & return, Thanks. Mrs. H.". I got to see his efforts! I am so proud of him. Yes he is struggling at the simplest tasks (or what I think should be simple to a 5 yr old) but then again....he's not 5 developmentally and after I remind myself of that...he's doing GREAT!

I only hope he doesn't have a lot of homework tonight as I am stuck here at work until 8pm. Then it's pick him up at daycare and get home by 8:45pm. Put him straight to bed and if he does have homework, I'll have to get him up early in the am to do it.

I seriously need to find a job with better hours. It hasn't been too busy here today so I've been doing a lot of figuring. I only NEED to bring home about 1/2 of what i make for us to "play" with. We can make ends meet on Hubby's income and any foster care check is just bonus and we are beginning to start the kids' some savings accounts with part of that money. I will need to keep my eyes open on our local job service website to see what I can dig up.

Working so many hours is really taking a toll on me and plus I'm just not happy with my job right now. A lot is going on and policies are changing without employee's knowledge (I don't think they can do this legally can they???) and well I'm getting screwed (and not even getting to enjoy it). I miss my kids!

I don't want this to turn into a ranting rage so I'll end it here for now. Happy Friday to all tomorrow! Big plans for the weekend???? Emilee turns 7 on Sunday so big party planned for Sat for her. SHould be fun.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Family Pic

****Sorry for those of you that didn't see the pic. If you want to see it - send me an email and I will email it to you. Just don't feel comfortable leaving it out here any longer.

Ok...I don't really want to do this but I couldn't resist it. We finally got a family picture that turned out so nice. You can't even see the scars on hubby's head. He's hiding his left hand cause his fingers are still bandaged up. At least he can finally fit his wedding ring on again though. :-)I'm only going to leave it here for a day or so and then it will be gone so enjoy.

We had a fun weekend at the NDFPA convention. On Sunday we visited a local Pumpkin Patch with Hubby's sis & family and that's where we took this pic. It was sooo cold! Ok, I know I live in ND but we didn't dress for the weather this weekend. It was in the 80's where we live but the 40's where we were (4 hrs away). YUCK!

Hope all had a great weekend & here's to a good week ahead.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Foster Parents are under paid....

Fosterabba over at Navigating the Maze posted a link to an AP article regarding how foster parents are under paid. One of our local newspapers ran a similar article today and i really found it interesting where ND fit in the picture. You really should check out where your state ranks.

If you haven't read the article - Read it here.

We fit in the "Needs increases of 51-75 percent to meet minimum rate"

Although I knew we were WAY UNDERPAID, I can say that the
percentage did surprise me. Now i think ...maybe we should move to say....D.C. or Arizona?? Not really...I'm 100% country girl and LOVE living on the farm...but let's pay us what we are worth! It's still cheaper than having these kids in institutions somewhere.

Hmmmmm....why is there only 6 families TOTAL in our
county that do care?

I'd have to agree with Fosterabba....that a big DUH.

We are going to our state convention this weekend....I sure hope this is on top of the list of subjects to cover during the business meeting portion of the convention!

Psych Evals and changing schools

We got the kids' psych evals back this past Monday. I wasn't supposed to see them as the person who did them wanted to discuss them with me in person before I saw them (I'm meeting with her tomorrow am) but my nice sw from our local office made copies and brought them to me. Nothing too big of a surprise in them.

Emilee - RAD/ODD/PTSD/ADHD/Receptive-Expressive Language Disorder. Rule out Bi-polar, Rule out Sexual Abuse and a few other things. We knew of RAD and we suspect Sexual Abuse to some degree. The rest although we didn't know about it is not a surprise. The have her at the developmental age of 4 1/2. (She will be seven in 2 weeks). Academically - she is VERY BRIGHT. She has no problems with her school work or with learning to read etc. Socially/emotionally - 4 1/2 does make sense to us. They also want a medication consultation to be done.

JP - ADHD/Recept-Express lang disorder/Reactive Attachment Disruption and a few others that I can't remember. He is developmentally at the age of 3yrs 3 months. This is no surprise to us. It also states in his that he is having issues in school with becoming frustrated at the work and pace they are moving at. He has been bringing home books that he is supposed to be able to read based on the picture above the word and he hasn't been able to do a single word. They also are wanting a medication consultation done with Jacob.

Here's my thoughts....(inset email sent to SW yesterday)
Mainly our concerns are with JP and school. We’ve had thoughts all along that he was more like a 3 yr old than a 5 yr old and like I've said, we fully expect to repeat Kindergarten again next year as I don’t think he is truly ready for it. We have been afraid that he may be getting too frustrated with the work/speed at which they are moving in Kindergarten and that we are maybe doing damage in the aspect of frustrating him more that he doesn’t know/understand what is being asked of him than we are doing good having him in normal Kindergarten? Now that we have it in black and white that he is functioning at a 3yr old level, are we asking too much of him? We are told he is getting speech and yet we are now 6 weeks into school and no speech has been started for him.

I guess a thought we had is would it be possible to get him into _________'s (town that I work in) Developmental Kindergarten class that moves at a much slower speed than normal kindergarten. Would this be a better fit for his needs/abilities? We had a foster son in this class in 2005/2006 so I know a little about how the class works. They teach the same things as normal kindergarten, just much slower and the kids are not required to KNOW’s just mainly to introduce them to everything. Then they have a Jr. 1st grade that they go to next year. Then 1st grade the year after. What our thoughts are is that if it would be possible to get him into this class for the rest of this year, then have him repeat Kindergarten next year in ___________(school district we live in) and maybe things would go better for him????

Another thought is what about some sort of pre-school or headstart again vs Kindergarten. This would be our thoughts only if Developmental Kindergarten is not an option.

So now I put it to you out there. What do you think? Do you think we may do even more harm in moving him? He never talks about friends in his class or anything and even when I ask him to name his friend in school, he can't. I'm not too worried about him moving schools from a making friends standpoint, but how do we explain it to him in a way he MIGHT understand??? How do we tell Emilee? This is not going to be easy.

I have actually already talked with the school district here in town where i work and they have room for him and he can start next monday. They said he could start tomorrow but I think that is too much for him to handle. Developmental K is also going to be 5 days a week vs his M-W, every other Friday schedule he is on now. I think this schedule of every day will be better for him. He gets SOOOOO confused as to whether or not he is supposed to go to school today or does he go to daycare?

So tell me your thoughts....I know this is a decision we have to make but HELP ME!!!!

Monday, October 1, 2007

Somebody Said....

Ok I just had to copy this from No Swimmers in the Tubes... who just had to copy this from another blog, Bella Vida.

It's so beautiful, sad, but most of all...true.
Somebody Said......* written by Unknown

Somebody said "Just adopt; you'll get pregnant." This somebody doesn't know how it feels to try to figure out where to get the money for an adoption.

Somebody said "If it is meant to be, it will happen." This somebody never cried walking past the diaper section at the grocery store.

Somebody said "You've got more time to spend together--be thankful." This somebody never stayed up until two in the morning arguing about ovulation charts.

Somebody said "Just relax and it will happen." Somebody never had their doctor tell them that after the age of 30, chances of becoming pregnant decrease significantly.

Somebody said "You shouldn't complain about something that you can't control." This somebody never wondered whose eyes and hair color the baby would have and then never found out.

Somebody said " You have more time to get a better education now." Somebody doesn't know what a short luteal phase is or what polycystic ovarian syndrome is or an irregular cycle or what male factor is.

Somebody said "You cant miss something you never had." This somebody doesn't know what its like to cry him or herself to sleep in an empty nursery.

Somebody said "You should try reading some books; there's got to be something else you can try." This somebody never tried standing on her head or drinking cough syrup when she's not sick.

Somebody said "Take one of my kids, I don't need them all." This somebody never tried to adopt, only to have the birth mother change her mind.

Somebody said "I'd sell everything I owned to get kids if I had to." This somebody never had to.

Somebody said "The hardest part of not having kids is not getting the tax deduction." This somebody never started her period at a baby shower.

Somebody said "A career is more important than being a mother." This somebody never wanted to be a mom.

Somebody said "If you don’t have kids, you're not missing anything." This somebody never went through infertility.

Wow...I want to print this out and give to people some of these people to read. I know some people mean well, but come on...let's think before you speak!

After I read this, it got me thinking about our journey and every step along the way when we have heard these comments from people.


MY SISTER! She really drives me nuts some times. So I was supposed to have her 2 oldest this weekend. Then she was coming up on Sat or Sun with the new baby and to pick up the other 2. On Friday she called my mom and told her that my brother was on his way up to pick up the kids. She NEVER even had the guts to call and tell me. She had my mom do it when I called her Friday afternoon to check on JP.

Then she tells my mom that she wants to stay at our house this coming weekend when she comes up for my mom's knee surgery. Ummm maybe you should check with me first. We won't even be home this weekend as it is the NDFPA Convention this weekend and we will be gone to it Friday -Sunday.

Well I guess she's not looking for a baby gift from me anytime soon. Good thing I didn't buy her clothes. I got her some baby wipes and a blanket and some infant mittens. Now who knows when I will see this little sweetpea. UGH - she makes me so mad sometimes!

Plus if she had just called me on Friday - i would have brought her kids down to her on Sat and then I could have seen the baby then. But I wasn't going to make the trip 2 hours down there when I wasn't even good enough to call on Friday to say that the kids weren't staying with me. (Yes my jealous infertility side is kicking in now!). If she wants to be a brat - I can play her game. (Shame on me but I can't help how I am feeling right now).