Thursday, September 18, 2008

What next

Ok...PHP is done. Back to outpatient as of next week.

New stressor in has to have gallbladder has LARGE kidney stones...(ok...not serious) the big one...she has been diagnosed with MS!!!

Trace...please email me! I need to know where to get some good info to learn more about this!



Friday, September 5, 2008

One more thing

I think we have come to the conclusion that we are NOT going to renew our foster care license this year. I'm not sure I'm ok with that decision yet. I'll keep you posted.

Update on FIL

Surgery today. Tumor was bigger than expected. Covered most of bladder/part of prostrate and the left urethra (?sp). His left Kidney was not emptying due to the blockage. They were only able to remove 2/3 of the tumor. Next week he will have a CAT scan done to see exactly how it is attached to his other organs. We should have pathology report middle of next week. Then a decision has to be made what to do next. Sounds like chemo is a definite. Going into surgery...doc said 15% chance he'd lose his bladder....after surgery....doc says "pretty good" chance we'll have to take his bladder.

To top this off...I called my mom and she started crying on the phone and all she would tell me is that she has to have some tests done and she can't talk about it now because 1. She hasn't even told my dad and 2. I have too much on my plate the way it is.....It's worse wondering but she doesn't understand that. Our relationship is a little weird right now. Not sure...ok I am pretty sure I know what the deal is...but it's something she's just going to have to get over. I'm 29 yrs old. It's time my umbilical cord was actually cut. I need to make my own decisions and she's having a hard time with it. (She doesn't even know the REAL reason why I am IP...we just told her that my meds were screwed up.)

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

I am Inpatient

Ok...long story....I'll try to keep it short.

I came back in as a PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program) admit. On Aug 28, I was admitted to IP (Inpatient) due to self harm urges. I spent 1 night IP and then told them I was ok and was allowed to go home for the long Labor Day weekend. The weekend was horrible. I struggled...with eating...with coping...with exercising...with life in general. Came back to PHP on Tuesday, Sept 2. Day got worse as it went on. I scratched my arms until they were about to bleed during a group but didn't tell anyone as I had a sweatshirt on with a pocket in the front. I was asked several times by nurses/therapists if I could contract for safety for the night. I told them point blank that I was saying YES because if I said NO, then I would be put IP again. I went to H&S's house (my friends that I stayed with last time and that I have been staying with this time). Went straight to my room. Went on facebook for a little while. Then headed to the basement to watch tv. On my way past the table in tears (as I had been in tears the whole day) H asked me if it was a bad day. I said, "Yep, that's the story of my life right now". They left me alone for a while. Pretty soon S came downstairs and told me he wanted to talk. We talked a little but I didn't talk much. He wanted me to open up. I couldn't. Finally I did. I told him point blank that at that time I was feeling like I didn't care if I woke up tomorrow (today) morning. He told me he was bringing me back to the hospital. I told him NO. Needless to say I'm here. I'm IP. I'm off SPIII (suicide prevention level III) as of this evening but won't be discharged probably until next week. I'm VERY depressed. The doc changed my meds today. Hopefully that helps. I'm not sure what is going on. When I'm not here, I'm hurting myself or overexercising and if I'm not doing either of those things, I'm sleeping. Hubby has made several comments about my sleep habits lately. Calling him last night was very hard. I'm really struggling with how I have let EVERYONE down yet again. I'm such a failure. I'm working thru these feelings, but it's tough.

To top matter off Hubby's dad has cancer. Have I said that before??? We found out for sure on Aug 21st. He's having a tumor removed from his bladder this friday. I may not be allowed to be there now. That will not be good for me or Hubby. I NEED to be with him that day. Depending on how surgery goes, we will find out if/how much chemo/radiation he will have to have.

Well I gotta run as my time limit is up. If you have my caring bridge can check for updates on there.