I am Inpatient

Ok...long story....I'll try to keep it short.

I came back in as a PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program) admit. On Aug 28, I was admitted to IP (Inpatient) due to self harm urges. I spent 1 night IP and then told them I was ok and was allowed to go home for the long Labor Day weekend. The weekend was horrible. I struggled...with eating...with coping...with exercising...with life in general. Came back to PHP on Tuesday, Sept 2. Day got worse as it went on. I scratched my arms until they were about to bleed during a group but didn't tell anyone as I had a sweatshirt on with a pocket in the front. I was asked several times by nurses/therapists if I could contract for safety for the night. I told them point blank that I was saying YES because if I said NO, then I would be put IP again. I went to H&S's house (my friends that I stayed with last time and that I have been staying with this time). Went straight to my room. Went on facebook for a little while. Then headed to the basement to watch tv. On my way past the table in tears (as I had been in tears the whole day) H asked me if it was a bad day. I said, "Yep, that's the story of my life right now". They left me alone for a while. Pretty soon S came downstairs and told me he wanted to talk. We talked a little but I didn't talk much. He wanted me to open up. I couldn't. Finally I did. I told him point blank that at that time I was feeling like I didn't care if I woke up tomorrow (today) morning. He told me he was bringing me back to the hospital. I told him NO. Needless to say I'm here. I'm IP. I'm off SPIII (suicide prevention level III) as of this evening but won't be discharged probably until next week. I'm VERY depressed. The doc changed my meds today. Hopefully that helps. I'm not sure what is going on. When I'm not here, I'm hurting myself or overexercising and if I'm not doing either of those things, I'm sleeping. Hubby has made several comments about my sleep habits lately. Calling him last night was very hard. I'm really struggling with how I have let EVERYONE down yet again. I'm such a failure. I'm working thru these feelings, but it's tough.

To top matter off Hubby's dad has cancer. Have I said that before??? We found out for sure on Aug 21st. He's having a tumor removed from his bladder this friday. I may not be allowed to be there now. That will not be good for me or Hubby. I NEED to be with him that day. Depending on how surgery goes, we will find out if/how much chemo/radiation he will have to have.

Well I gotta run as my time limit is up. If you have my caring bridge site...you can check for updates on there.

Jody