Friday, November 30, 2007

Let's name Hubby

Ok, Trace asked if I had come up with a name for Hubby. Well considering he is home sick right now..the names that come to mind (due to his extreme Moodiness right now) are not really appropriate so I figured, I'd let anyone out there choose. Anyone up to give me some ideas and then we'll take a vote????

Julie asked if I call Hubby and pet names at all...well since we started foster care I always refer to him as Daddy Hubby. And with Emilee and JP - he's just Daddy, but Daddy doesn't sound good to me for this purpose either.

Winter is Coming...

tomorrow from what the weatherman is saying. 4-7 Inches of snow with high winds. OH fun. I'm supposed to work tomorrow. We'll see if I can make it to town or not. Hubby is sick with the flu...102 temp and the whole deal...YUCK! I want to come to work...the less I am home, the less chance to get sick. Unfortunately...with the weather forcast, I don't want to bring the kids out if I don't have to which would mean having them stay home with hubby tomorrow. This is ok in the fact that they can play and entertain themselves. He will be there and can make a pizza for lunch or something but then again...the less THEY are by him, the better right now too. What to do ...what to do???

Kids had Health trax screenings today. Emilee's eyes are 20/50. UGH! No wonder the little girl is having headaches. I got her an appt with an eye doctor for Dec 12. JP's eyes are 20/40. Is his eyes that bad or did he just not understand what was being asked of him due to his developmental delays? He has an appt on Dec 14.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Let it Snow Let it Snow Let it Snow

It's COLD so why not snow, right? Well it is. It has off and on all morning. Now it's really snowing out and the winds are gusting to 30 mph. Yep, outta be a fun drive home later today. Oh the joys of living in the middle of nowhere! At least it is my afternoon off and I'm leaving town at 3pm when I pick JP up from school.

Oh and by the way... I was smart enough to find my gloves this morning before we left home! All dressed up for work and then I have my SkiDoo snowmobile jacket and my SkiDoo snowmobile gloves...yep, I'm cute...but at least I'm warm! :-)

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Meeting #1 (of many to come)

Yesterday I had a meeting with someone regarding a Partnership Program that is available to Emilee. I'm still slightly confused as to what exactly the program is all about but here is what I got from the meeting...

1. This lady will work with Hubby and I (Yondalla..I agree...I should come up with a name for Hubby...Hubby just doesn't fit ...ok I'm getting off track here) to make sure we are aware of all services available to Emilee.

2. We will have round table type meetings with the "team" on a regular basis to discuss what is and isn't working for Emilee. ***"team" being SW, Adoption worker, us, her, therapists, etc.

The first thing she recommends is another evaluation by a different psychiatrist. Since Emilee was diagnosed with PTSD, ODD, RAD, ADHD, Mood disorder, and others...and then the hospital comes back with nothing...we think it is best to get a 3rd opinion. I agree. She is setting that appt up and we'll go from there.

I was told by the sw that she would/could help with transporting to some appts but that doesn't seem to be the case. So now we're back to square one wondering how to get this child to appts 30-60 miles from her school during the day and back to school when I work 30 miles from her school. Minimum - 3 hrs away from work (and that's banking on the fact that we get in on time and out on time) for me to go get her, come back to town for appt, then back to school, them me back to work. UGH. Plus...gas is VERY expensive right now. We'll see what happens.

I'm off now to an IEP meeting for JP at his school. I'm really curious how the last 2 days have gone for him as he's been HORRIBLE to deal with at home.


Winter is finally's -11F here this morning....I finally decided it was time to get the winter coat out. Now if could only find my gloves.

Monday, November 26, 2007

One More Night

A & T will be staying 1 more night. Can I handle it??? I guess I don't have a choice. Our county worker was very apologetic that they were even placed with us but she wasn't the one who called so I told her not to worry about it. Plus, I said Yes, I'm the only one I can blame.

Tomorrow they will go to 1 of 2 places...

1. Bio dad's house (considering A told me she doesn't have a dad - not sure what kind of home this is or where this guy has been for the past 3 1/2 yrs since A was born)

2. A different foster home in the town where I work.

Either way... I will miss these little sweetie's but I know I can't do this long term right now. I'm sad though...I wish I could.

WOW...what a weekend

First of all, I should know better than to smart off..My mom and I were talking about foster care the other day and I was bragging how living in the middle of nowhere like we do...we don't get the middle of the night emergency placements. When will I learn to keep my mouth shut??? And more importantly...will I ever learn to say NO?

Sat morning the phone rang at 5am (I HATE 5am phone calls...they're never good!). It was the same CPS worker that I had to talk to about the accusations and I was like, "Uh oh, what did my angel do that you are calling me at 5am to tell me!" I should think happier thoughts too. She was calling because a young mother had decided to try to take her own life and they needed a home for a 3 yr old girl and a 7 month old boy. I said, OK we'll take them for the weekend and see what the beginning of the week brings. So I scrambled to take a shower and find my baby stuff and get it washed. A little before 7am they finally showed up (we live 30 miles from big town). Good thing I had some diapers on hand and a few wipes and a can of formula from when L jr & L were with us last Jan.

The what should I call them...A (girl) & T(baby boy) for now... are very well behaved. A has the most beautiful long naturally curly hair half way down her back. I was in heaven playing with her hair. She has obviously had her way on EVERYTHING in her short 3 yrs. She is a picky eater (didn't think anyone could be pickier than me, but I found her) and doesn't like to share her toys. She has also been a good caregiver for her little brother as she was telling me how to change his diaper and how much formula you put in the bottle with how much water. Poor little girl...she shouldn't be the one worrying about that stuff.

T is adorable. Big blue eyes and a cute smile. (what baby isn't adorable though???) He has a reflux issue BIG TIME though and so that took some getting used to with feedings. Good sleeper too - up only 1 time per night about 5:30am and that's practically when we get up anyways so no big deal there.

I have asked the county to find a home for them though unless there is a family member that will be taking them by tomorrow. I can't do it with 4 right now. We've got our hands full with our 2 at home. JP is having a tough time sharing the attention now that sister is home. He's had a great 2 weeks being an only child and it will take some getting used to for him. He was showing a lot of the same tantrum issues his sister showed that horrible night yesterday and this morning. I pulled Emilee aside and showed her how her actions affect JP too. I think she needs to realize that he looks up to her and copy's her.HOpefully he will settle down here within a couple days and once the xtra 2 are moved.

It's tough though...I would love to keep T. A is WAY TOO MUCH like Emilee. Their personalities clash BIG TIME. We'll see what the county sees as a plan of action and go from there I guess. I suppose I would get used to getting 4 kids up and out the door by 7:30am but am I ready for that??? No I don't think I am. There will be other babies. Unfortunately, I know that is true. Foster care is something that the need is always there for. Things happen for a reason. Right???

Friday, November 23, 2007

Guess she'll be coming home afterall

It's a LONG LONG story that I don't have the time, effort, or energy to get into right now, but Emilee will be coming home Sunday. We had a nice 8 hr visit with her yesterday. We requested a pass for Sunday. It was granted. Then we were told she would be discharged Monday regardless because insurance has given a cutoff date for treatment. We (hubby & I) discussed this and thought it would be a lot harder on her to go back there for 1 night and a HUGE inconvenience for us to have to drive 60+ miles to go get her. 60 miles back home. 60 miles back to the hospital to take her back Sunday night. 60 miles back home. Then 60 miles up on Monday. and 60 miles back home again. You do the math. Figure in $3.099 gas and a vehicle that gets 16 miles/gal (as we would drive hubby's truck). Yep that will get expensive for us so we asked for her to be discharged on Sunday morning.

We observed her showing us her new way to show she's upset a few times yesterday. A quick stomp of her foot and a "growl" and she is off again. I can handle that. That sure beats swearing, hitting, kicking and threatening. She had a small meltdown but that only lasted 10 minutes. That in itself if a HUGE improvement. We've got services somewhat in order for our protection/Emilee's protection and support. I expect the rest of our "demands" will fall into place the first part of next week. Respite is a must and that is arranged. We just have to let them know to what extent we want/need it. A good thing is that the new respite family is actually a theraputic foster home and Emilee already knows the mom of the house very well as she is her school principal. We'll see how things go and decide after a couple days what we feel we need.

Thanks for all the comfort/support from everyone. This is by no means over. She is coming home on a trial basis as far as I am concerned. Services MUST be continued and we MUST get the support we need. Any further allegations (and I know there will be some) will be dealt with on a basis of how severe they are. The first allegation against hubby or any other male in our family and she will have to leave. Cut and dried. I pray this works. I do love her. I am going to get a sticker system ready tomorrow. THey say she is doing WONDERFUL on this at the hospital. We tried it at home before and it failed. We'll try again. I'm also going to get a chore jar ready and see how that goes. Wish me luck! I'll update on Monday how things are going.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Happy Turkey Day to Everyone! Here's to a Safe Holiday for all. And to those of you lucky enough for a long 4 day weekend...Bah Humbug! LOL!


She didn't get discharged...LONG Story. I'm not up for writing right now. Just know I'm ok. Having a tough time with this whole ordeal, but I'm ok. Things will get better (they can't get worse---or can they?)

For those of you that have email me directly...I want to talk. I need to talk. I just can't find the strength right now. Thanks for sending me your phone #'s!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Placement is no longer

Emilee will be moved to a different home. I don't know where, I don't know what kind of place they will find on such short notice.

The decision was made this morning by Hubby and I.

For liability reasons, we can not have her in our home. I'm sick to my stomach. I wish I could help this little girl. I know she is just testing the waters but her accusations have now escalated to outside our family. They are so ridiculously false, it's sickening. I can't/won't go into too much detail now, But what next? I can't put Hubby in that position. I can't put my fil or bil in that situation. They are my lifelines while I'm at work. Daycare will no longer accept her after she hears what the latest is. We don't get paid enough for me to completely quit my job and yet to have her in our home, that is what would have to be done. (Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be a SAHM but that's just not in the picture right now and I don't want to be FORCED to do it by a 7 yr old).

Maybe we're in foster care for the wrong reasons. I don't know anymore. What am I doing? We said from day 1 that the false accusations would be ok and we would work with the child as long as we were safe and they were safe. We no longer feel that our family is safe. We no longer feel our extended family is safe with Emilee. I can't live forever with these fears. I can't do it.

But will someone? Will Emilee EVER let someone love her?

Emilee needs help. More intense help that what we can offer in our rural setting.

I'm sad.

I don't know what they will decide with JP. We have stated that we want him to stay. We believe siblings should be together when possible..but we feel that Emilee has too many issues and JP is too impressionable at this stage of his life. He doesn't need to be exposed to her behaviors. If the sw disagrees and moves him, I wish him the best. We would like to have contact with Emilee if that is safe for JP, I guess we'll see what happens at today's meeting.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Now What???

I just spoke with social worker from the hospital. Emilee will be discharged tomorrow. Sentence #1 - They have witnessed no behaviors.
Sentence #2 - Emilee and another patient were ganging up on staff and so Emilee was moved from her room to a separate room.
(???So no behaviors but she was moved from her room because ganging up on staff???Hmm what would they consider behaviors???)
Sentence #3 - There are no meds needed for her.
Sentence #4 - I was unable to find a therapist who will take a 7 yr old so you will just have to stay with Dr. So and So. I know you're not happy with her services, but hopefully she can accomodate you. We are recommending therapy sessions 1 x per week and if Dr. So-and-So can't accomodate that, hopefully a schedule can be worked out as best as you can.

Here's my interpretation of what she was telling me... (Remember not her words...mine)'s your kid. We took her off all meds and babysat her for 1 week. We did nothing else except make her mad at you for bringing her here. She blames you and we really don't care. Afterall, she's your problem, not ours. Good luck with your therapist. We know you don't like her, but that's your problem too. Bye.

So now what do we do? I told the therapist that I can't say we are comfortable bringing her home tomorrow. Afterall, look at the accusations she made. UGH!
I just talked to Hubby on the phone and he was no support. Thanks you too. He doesn't think I should confront Emilee in the meeting tomorrow. And I don't mean in a bad way, but just bring up how these accusations make me feel and how serious they are. What are you thoughts out there? Do I dare say anything to her face? I know she's only 7 but she's a SMART 7.


I'm not a child abuser! :-)

I just got done with a meeting with the child protection service in our county. We discussed the accusations that were made. We discussed her meeting with Emilee and the fact that Emilee recanted the whole thing. It never happened. She was mad at me so she wanted to hurt me so she said those things.

We discussed what will happen next as far as the report. It will be dismissed. We discussed a partnership program that is available to us as another support system and she asked if we would be interested in learning more about it. I said Yes. Heck, any support we can get, I'm all for! She did ask me a lot of questions regarding how Emilee has been doing at home since day 1. We had a nice conversation. To end the meeting she asked me what our plans were if they decide to send Emilee home tomorrow afternoon after our meeting. I told her honestly...I don't know. I'm not sure we are ready to bring her home. I'm not convinced that she will be safe or that we would be safe. I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow.

I've had a rough weekend. I'm not much for posting all about it now. I'm just emotionally drained. I'll update again tomorrow or Wed after our meeting.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Poor JP

I feel so bad for him. He just doesn't get it. Why is his sister in the "hospital" when she didn't look sick when we went to visit last night? Poor little guy. What do I say to him? He started crying when we were eating supper at the restaurant. When I asked him what was wrong, he said, "I miss Emilee". This morning he came out to the living room while I was blow drying my hair and here's how it went...

Me: Good morning big guy. Can I have a hug?

JP: (Tears welling up in his eyes) Mom, I miss Emilee.

Me; I know you do buddy. Come here and give mommy a hug. I miss Emilee too.

JP: When is Emilee coming home?

Me: Hopefully a few more days is all she will be there.

JP: Ok, mom. Can I have a poptart for breakfast?

Me: Sure, should we have some Chocolate milk with your poptart.

JP: Well, actually, I would like some juice.

Me: Ok, sounds good.

Gotta love 'em. So upset one minute and then food takes over! :-)

As for the visit last went ok. Luckily the nurses let us go to a room outside the "unit" to visit so that JP wouldn't be in that atmosphere. He tried to tell his sister that he misses her and she was too busy telling us how gross the food still is. Kids!

She did have a slight meltdown when we left. OK, a little more than the day before when it was just Hubby and I there. It took 2 nurses to take her back to her area. It's so sad. JP wanted to know why she was crying so much. We just quickly changed the subject. The nurse who walked us out told us that she had had a meltdown yesterday morning over another child saying they were going to touch her stuff. It lasted about 1 hour. So hopefully they are seeing some of the behaviors that we see and they don't think she is such an angel anymore.

Tomorrow she gets to have a pass to leave. Weather permitting (it is snowing/sleeting here now) I will go get her and go shopping for a little while and see how she reacts to being taken back there. Also, tonight she will call us as we told her we couldn't go visit her and she will then figure out that my sister's oldest 2 (3 1/2 yrs and 1 yr old) will be staying at our house. We'll see how she handles that.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Thank You!

To everyone who has left a thoughtful comment on here the past few days (and in the past in general). Your comments are very much appreciated.

I also want to apologize. For those of you with site counters...I've been lurking...just not really into leaving comments this week. I'll try to get better at that...just know I'm reading and thinking of you. I just can't take the time to comment because I can't think straight! Sorry!

Hey...all my faithful readers... I have a site map....Anyone care to give me a generic idea of where you're at in this world?

Warning...MAJOR Vent Ahead if you're reading this part...know you have been warned by the title.

This am I had my yearly checkup with my OBGYN - always fun...right? Well considering my past health issues...I really don't mind these checkups. Heck..I've been poked and prodded more in those areas than most people. we wait 2 weeks to get the results. Want to bet me??? I'll be having ANOTHER colposocopy done sometime mid bet me! The major issue I have with these appts is the fact that I have to sit around the waiting room with all the happy pregnant women. I'm emotional enough...this put me over the top. Thankfully a friend of mine from HS works in that dept and so I was able to visit with her.

Then we had a family therapy appt at the hospital. Guess what...Emilee is acting this way because of her past....DUH! I'm so glad I'm not paying this bill. She's been there 3 days and that is what they can tell us???? Hmmmm...I could have told them that on night 1. It's the question of WHAT in her past and WHAT can we do to help her work thru her past so that SHE can be safe and WE can be safe. Oh...and the therapist informed us that they had to file a child abuse report because my sweet little princess decided to tell them some more lies. Yep..directed at me again. I told the admitting nurse that she threatened to tell them "blah blah blah" (don't think I'm going to go into too much exact detail while this is investigated) because she said that was how she was going to "get back at me" for making her stay at the hospital. The nurse noted it but since she said it to someone else...they still have to file their forms.

It is so tough. What did I do to deserve this life? Why do I have to "settle" raising someone else's messed up kids so that I can have a family and be a mom? It's not fair! Hubby and I are at odds over what to do. All he says to me is...we were told in training that this could happen. DUH! I was at training. How about a little support for me? I'm the one whose name is being drug thru the mud on this. I'm the one who they will be investigating. I'm the one who bends over backwards for these kids and yet I'm the one who is getting sh** on. Why can't you just be a little supportive of me. Tell me you love me. Tell me that I'm not to blame for this. Tell me something. Don't just say...well, we knew this could happen. What good does that do?

Ok...a little clarification...when I said "settle" above I don't mean that as negatively as it sounds. Well maybe today I do but I really do LOVE THESE KIDS. ALL THE KIDS who come thru our home are treated as OUR kids while they are with us. It's just so hard sometimes.

So I cried all the way back to work and Hubby said nothing. I said nothing. He wants to know why I can't talk to him the way we I used to. But when I tell him how I'm feeling..I get the same response EVERY time..."you knew this was a possibility". Hello...and you're asking me why I can't talk to you the way I used to. Hmmm. Figure it out yourself.

They want us to bring JP up to see her tomorrow night. Ok, we'll do that. They want to see how she reacts to him leaving with us and her having to stay there. Part of me hopes this triggers something because up until today, her behavior has been perfect according to the reports. Like I suspected...she can put on a good show for other people.

At this point, we have another family meeting/discharge meeting scheduled for next Tues at 3pm. They want us to take her for a day pass this weekend. Ok, I work all day Sat so that won't work. A day pass is for 8 hrs max. We live 1 hr from the hospital. So with gas prices at $3.199+ I am supposed to drive 60 miles to get her. Turn around drive back 60 miles home. Spend approx 5-6 hrs at home with her and then turn around (in the dark) and drive 60 miles back to the hospital with her and then 60 miles back home again. Do these people think I have money coming out of my ears for gas? I don't know what we'll do. Maybe we'll just take her for a few hours and do some shopping on Sunday afternoon and maybe hit a park. We'll see what the weather forcast is because as of today Sat & Sun are supposed to be COLD, windy and rain/snow showers. Icy roads...umm she'll be staying at the hospital.

Well if you made it thru this..Thank you for reading.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Sad Sad News

Last Thurs night there was a car accident not too far from our home...maybe 10 miles or so. A young woman, 31 years of age, missed a curve, rolled her car and was killed. She left behind 2 young children. I just got a call from Hubby who got a call from a guy who works with him but at a different location (does that make sense? Same boss...but this guy works for the farm where as hubby works for the seed company). Anyways, this guy is like a grandpa to us. He's great! So caring. He's especially special to us as he played a part in getting hubby and I together back in the day. Anyways, I'm getting off track.

This young woman who Hubby knew as she was only a couple years behind him in school, was not married. Engaged, but not married. Her dad is too old and doesn't think he can care for the children. She has a couple step-sisters/brother but they have families of their own and not much money so don't feel like they can take them. They are looking for a home for these children and our friend...let's call him Herby, called Hubby asking if we had any kids and would at least think about taking them.

I can tell Hubby wanted to say YES. The prob...they are both boys. We live in a 3 bedroom home. We currently have a boy and a girl. Our rooms are not big enough to have 3 kids in a room. What do we do? Here are 2 boys who have no one in their family who wants them. How sad is that? Now what do we do? I wish there was a way to make this work! Hubby has NEVER sounded so bummed about anything when it comes to kids. :-(


Last night's visit went a lot better than I expected it too. There were a few tears but I was able to talk to her and they were very short lived. That's good. It was easier on me that way. She was very talkative. When I walked in she was laying on her mat on the floor watching a movie. She turned and looked at me and smiled big.

E: Hi Mom!

Me: Hi E! How are you doing? (Giving her a big hug)

E: OK. Mom...let's go see my room.

Me: Ok.

(The nurse steps in and says her roommate has family in their room so we could go in the conference room so we head that way)

Me: So tell me about your day.

E: We have to do school work! This boy...he has temper tantrums like all day. Like he's really naughty. Like I'm glad I'm not like him. The food is like really gross Mom. They don't cook the fish. YUCK. Like we had to listen quietly to this boy who like always has temper tantrums talk about it.

Me: Oh. Did you do anything fun.

E: Like we made some goop (I have no idea what she is talking about on this one???). I got to take a shower all by myself. They set the water for me and then I did everything else all by myself. Just like at home. Are you proud of me mom?

Me: Yes I am. I'm glad you are doing so well.

E: I talked to the doctor today too mom.

Me: Oh really...what did the doctor say?

E: Well we like just talked about like my tantrums.

..Ok so that's the jist of it. Did you figure out that she has started to say Like....Like...Like??? That's new. Guess we'll see how long that lasts.

We have a family therapy meeting on Thurs am. Then I will know more. For now that's about it. It was easier to walk away last night than the night before. Sad...but at least no tears. I think reality has set in.

I finally slept last night! I think I was asleep before my head even hit the pillow. 9:45pm - 5:45am! Wow! That's been a long time coming. I was so out of it when the alarm went off that I couldn't figure out what that noise was! Maybe I can get another full nights sleep tonight!


In other news...sw is doing a home visit tonight. Yep...the house looks like a tornado went thru it. Oh well...I hope she'll understand the last 3 days have been VERY hectic and housework has not been a priority!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

She's been admitted

to the child unit at the local psych hospital for an evaluation. I don't know who this is harder on...her or us. It was VERY tough for me to walk away from her crying last night, but I knew it was where she needed to be. She needs help. Help that we are not able to give her at our home at this time. Hopefully she will be able to get the help she needs and they can find a med that will work for her. The nurse last night told me to expect 10-14 days. He said they will know more today after she has been evaluated by everyone.

That's all I know for now. I will be going back to see her tonight to take her some pajama's and her blanket/teddy bear. After that, we will visit on a limited schedule as they tell us what is best for her. Plus with my work schedule - Friday will be the next time that I can make it up there. It's 60 miles one way! That's pretty tough to make when I don't get off work until 6pm.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Time to Reflect

Ok. I've had a lot of today to sit back and reflect on how things have been since Emilee and JP joined our family. To sit back and look at the big picture. To wonder..To Smile :-) do it all. I've been VERY unproductive at work and well frankly..I don't care. I probably shouldn't even be here today. My head's just not in it and frankly..who could blame me? What we went thru last night is not something that i can just shove aside and forget about until after business hours tonight. It's not possible.

So as I sit here and ponder all that went on...All that has gone on in the past 5 months. Did I see this coming? I can't say I did fully. Deep down...yeah I knew there were a lot of issues that were there but I was hopeful that with love & stability, we could work thru them. Maybe I was niave. I don't know. Like I've said before..I'm young. I'm new to this. This is our first long term placement of kids this age that came with the amount of "baggage" that they came with. We knew of their baggage. We (or should I say I) read the files BEFORE we accepted placement. I relayed all the info to Hubby. We agreed this was a good fit for us. "Baggage" and all.

Did we wait too long to get back into therapy?

Did we waste too much time with the therapist that I don't think is doing us any good?

Did we do too much harm to her by moving JP out of her school into one that will better fit his needs?

Did we do more harm than good by having them go to a respite home to give us a break?

Did we...did we...did we...???

I don't know the answers to those questions. I don't WANT to know the answers to those questions. Ok, I DO know the answers to those questions. The answers to those questions is that there are no right or wrong answers to those questions.

Why is it so hard for me to understand that her issues were ALWAYS there ...always underneath that smiley little girl that we love so much. It was just a matter of time before they broke the surface.

I think what scared me the most (other than the threats to our lives) is that standing there looking at her in that bed last night with Hubby holding the covers down to protect himself from the flying arms and legs while we tried to talk to her, is that it wasn't OUR little girl laying there looking back at me. Her eyes were blank. She kept telling us her name was McKenzie not Emilee and I think she truly thought that was right. Is she bi-polar? Is she schizophrenic? I don't know. I know NOTHING about those diseases/disorders. All I know is that that wasn't my little girl laying in that bed last night. It was truly like something had taken over her body. At 7 years old. I probably could have blown off the threats she made to our lives...that she was just's the first time she has said anything like that...but when you look at the big picture of what she was doing...the things she was saying...I couldn't. I was down right scared to death. Scared she would hurt us. Scared she would hurt herself. Scared she would hurt her little brother who was (trying to) sleep in the next room.

In about an hour I will be leaving work. I will go to daycare and pick her up. Hubby will meet me there and pick up JP and take him home. Emilee and I will drive the 60 miles to the nearest big town and go to the hospital. We will talk to the assessment people and see what they say. What kind of lies will she make up? She's already cried abuse to the school...will she do it again? I won't be surprised. That scares me about even taking her in...but she needs to go in. She needs help. I'm told this hospital though won't admit her or anything unless she is physically threatening at the time we are there. Well that's not her behavior. She is an angel in front of people. Maybe not today. Maybe they will see her for the problems that lie within. Afterall, they are trained professionals, right?

When I sit here and I look at what I would call the temper tantrums from the past 3 weeks. I can see a pattern.

Oct 30 - Problems in school. Note came home and was hand delivered to daddy by the Afterschool Program van driver. Daddy tried talking to Emilee about it and she became quite upset. Mommy and JP get home. Daddy fills mommy in and mommy reads note. Daddy & Mommy sit down and try to talk to Emilee about her behavior in school and why it is so important to listen to the teachers, etc. Emilee yells, screams, says it's the other kids' fault. Nothing is EVER Emilee's fault. Mommy and Daddy love JP more because they are letting him play and making Emilee sit and talk. (that's her words..not mine). Lots of Yelling, screaming, You don't love Me, I hate you, etc. We tell her that if she chooses to keep up this behavior and if she has a bad day in school tomorrow...there will be no trick-or-treating. It is her choice if she wants to go or not. About 1 1/2 hrs into tantrum...she finally gives in and goes to sleep.

Oct 31 - good day in school. We went trick or treating. Behavior is "normal" for a 7 yr old.

Fast forward to Nov 5.

Mommy forgot to send show and tell on Friday Nov 2. Yes...BAD MOMMY! But Emilee is 7 and knows when show and tell is so should mommy take all the blame...Not in my opinion. But for her benefit..I will.

Nov 5 - Emilee gets home from AS and daddy is going thru her backpack to check her homework. He finds her little play dress up high heel shoes. He asks her why they are in her backpack and if Mommy knew they were there. She said yes, mommy knows. Enter mommy and JP. No mommy doesn't know that the dress up shoes went to school. When Daddy talks to Emilee some more, she says she snuck them because MOMMY forgot to send show and tell on Friday. They are broken now because so-and-so tried to take them away from her. Enter crying...screaming...yelling... "You don't love me. You hate me. You love JP More. " Bedtime rolls around and we're still having a tantrum. Up & out of bed...back to bed....yelling...slamming doors....throwing toys against the wall...kicking the wall...kicking mommy....hitting the wall....yep...we saw (what we thought) was it all that night. Eventually, she tired herself out enough that they FINALLY fell asleep. (About 2 hrs into tantrum)

Fast forward to Nov 11.

Home from respite. All is going well. Bedtime rolls around...I'm not going to post what went on my previous entry from this morning.

When I sit back and analyze these 3 weeks...3 tantrums. Here's my conclusions...

1. Up until last night...they were started by her doing something she KNEW was wrong and us trying to discuss it with her afterschool.

2. Last night I'm not sure what her prob was...respite??? Maybe

3. Each time has lasted just a little longer than the previous.

4. Her behavior each time has gotten more intense/destructive.

5. Her language has gotten more abusive both towards herself and towards us.

6. Now...why though is this just 1 time per week. The other days she truly is a good kid. We have had VERY FEW issues other than these specific days/nights. I just don't understand.

Well now it is only about 20 minutes before I need to leave so I better finish up my work. I'll update tomorrow on how tonight goes.

The Tag

Ok I've been tagged by here you go...

6 Little Known facts about me...

1. I've been diagnosed with pre-cancerous / cancerous cervical cells 3 times in the past 10 years. My next checkup is this Thurs am so keep your fingers crossed all goes well this year (however, it wasn't all well last year and yet they wanted to wait until after this year to decide what/if anything should be done so I'm not holding out too much hope for a good report. Maybe if you guys have that hope for me it will turn out good...K?)

2. Hubby and I met in 2000 when we were working at the same place of employement. I HATED him when I met him. Little did I know that less than 3 years later, I would be saying "I DO" to him and I love him more than life itself now! :-)

3. I have an identical twin sister and in kindergarten we were in the same class. We decided to trick the teacher and switch spots in class. It would have worked, EXCEPT instead of writing her name on my papers like I was supposed to I wrote my name on them and she wrote my name on them...OOPS!

4. I was raped at the age of 16 by my "MR WONDERFUL BOYFRIEND". That took me MANY MANY years to say out loud. Thankfully my mom is a very observant person and noticed a change in me within a couple days and thru process of elimination, figured out what happened. How could someone who "loved" me do this to me? Moms...they are so smart. One minute Mr. Wonderful can do no wrong...the next I want nothing to do with him. Gotta love you mom!

5. I have been a foster mom to 12 kids in 2 years and have loved every minute of it. I will always have a special place in my heart for G, our first foster daughter, and am very happy that G's adoptive family has invited us to be a part of G's life. They truely are WONDERFUL people.

6. I have in the past and still do struggle with anorexia. It's a disease that is very difficult to overcome. Although I know I don't need to lose weight, when I look in the mirror...I really do see something totally different. It's something that I will probably struggle with all of my life. This is also made worse with the STRESS in my I have stress in my life?? Hmm...let me count thy family is very supportive of me! Boy...I Love my family!

So here it goes...I tag...No Swimmers, Dream Mommy , Little Did I Know, and anyone else who wants to participate.

The Meltdown

happened last night....

Ok let me back up just a second...

the kids were at the respite home from Friday night until yesterday about 4:30pm. Friday night drop off went MUCH better than I expected. Emilee needed 2 hugs from me but otherwise, no tears, nothing. They were off and playing right away. Good deal!

According to the respite home, the weekend went very well. JP was very good. No problems at all. Emilee had a few issues but nothing too out of the ordinary. Just a few things they thought were odd with her manerysms (?sp). They were right in thinking the way they were - it is how she is all stems back to her life with bio mom and what she was exposed to.

Fast forward to Sunday afternoon 4:30pm. I picked them up. All seemed fine. The kids were happy to see me and I was happy to see them. We got home and they gave daddy hugs and then went about playing outside (it was in the 50's! :-)) Supper came and went with no issues. Then it was bedtime and the meltdown began (only we had NO IDEA where we were headed)

Emilee was overly pokey in getting to bed. Then once she did...she didn't stay there for long. Her head hurt. Her stomach hurt. Her arm hurt. You name it...she claimed it hurt. I asked her when it started hurting and she said at E&D's house. Well sorry...but if you were hurting THAT bad you wouldn't have been playing outside like you were and you wouldn't have eaten supper so well. So back to bed she went.

Then she started talking about puking all over her bed and the floor in her room. We ignored her. Then she got up and came out of her room again. We took her back to bed. This went on for over 30 minutes. Her getting taking her back to bed. Finally we started sending her back to bed without taking her there. That made her even more upset. She wasn't getting her way anymore. Then she started hitting/kicking us and the walls/doors/etc. Then we became frightened for our safety and hers/JP's. That was the nail in the coffin so to say.

I didn't sleep all night. Why should I be feeling this way in my own home? I thought back to a fellow blogger friend who recently went thru a somewhat similar issue. I remember reading her thoughts/feelings on what she was going thru and it really was comforting to me. As a somewhat new foster parent (2 yrs is all we've been doing this), it helps me so much to read about what other foster parents are going thru and how they are dealing with it to help us IRL.

I have been on the phone ALL morning. I have cried many many tears. I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I love this little girl and I think of her as my own and yet I don't know how to help her. Today being "Vetran's Day Observed" all of our lovely social service offices are closed. Thankfully I have the cell numbers and home numbers of my local sw and her supervisor. They are wonderful. My local sw is in Utah visiting some kids that are placed there and she was more than willing to make phone calls for me from there to help me out! What a wonderful woman she is. I'm lucky and I know it. Finally I was able to track down the a sw from the county where the kids are from. Isn't it fun to call the police dept and try to explain who you are and what you need and then you get a sw who doesn't know you or the kids very well and you have to explain everything to her. Luckily she was great to talk to and agreed to go into the office and wait for a fax from the hospital where I was able to get Emilee in tonight for a needs assessment. I have heard this hospital has a great unit for kids. I hope they can help Emilee (and US). This has been a very difficult day and I presume it's only going to get worse before it gets better.

If you're still reading...thanks. Any advice is greatly appreciated! Now i need to get ahold of our adoption worker and let her know that we can no longer accept adoption placement for Emilee at Christmas. We aren't backing out of it...but if she's like this at 7 what will she be like at 13? We need to get her some help BEFORE we sign that dotted line and help is harder to come by. Hopefully, they will stay on top of things since all parental rights have been terminated and they are really wanting to get this adoption finalized.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Confidentiality and stuff

Reasons to get a new job...

1. Confidentiality is not a priority of this employer. Payroll information is shared openly by the Human Resources dept with other employees. (Yep a big NO NO)

2. Hours are the pits when you are trying to raise a family (and especially a Special Needs Family)

3. Chargebacks for something sold in 2004 are taken out of my commission...(i.e. John Smith was in and bought a new vehicle. Purchased a Vehicle Service Contract, GAP, and Maintenance plan in Aug 2004. Jane Doe was the business manager and got paid the commission for selling John these products. In 2007 John decides to trade off his car and wants to cancel the remainder of these products and get his pro-rated refund. Great. Jody can do that as she is now the business manager. That amounts to $600 refund for John. That $600 comes out of Jody's commissions! Yep - are you still wondering why I HATE MY JOB????)

4. "The Employee" is still causing waves around here and no one seems to care and it's not just waves with the female employees any more. Hmmm...where does the problem lie?

5. I could go on but these are the biggies.

Finally Friday

Ok. So I'm just a little excited that today is Friday. The kids are all packed up and ready to go to the respite home after I get off work tonight. So far so good. No tears. I warned my daycare lady (since there is no school today in honor of the Deer Hunting Season Opener*) both kids are at daycare all day.

Hubby is home in bed. This dizzy stuff is really getting worse by the day. He is so frustrated and that seems to make it worse too. Monday's MRI can't come soon enough and then it's Thurs afternoon before we will get the results. UGH! I did tell him last night that I think I should get something for "PAIN AND SUFFERING" too! LOL. He didn't agree. :-(

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Well I did it

I sent another resume off. We'll see what happens. It's just to our local big bang retailer. I was pretty picky in my hours of availability though so we'll see if they even call. If they will be a good thing for the whole family. Less hours and still same pay...hmmm no brainer...right?

I'm not getting my hopes up at all. I'm not sure that I want to go back to full-fledged customer service and yet, I've always been in the customer service fields...just not necessarily in the retail side of it since college. Oh well.

On a different note, we met the respite family last night. It went better than I thought it would. The kids actually wanted to spend the night last night! :-) HOpefully tomorrow night will go ok dropping them off. I don't think there will be a problem once they get busy...I just think me leaving could be an issue. It sounds like they have LOTS and LOTS of fun things planned for the weekend to keep the kiddo's busy. I am going to buy 2 disposible camera's (1 for each of them because heaven forbid they can share!LOL) and they can take all the pictures they want.


One more different note....most of you probably are reading Navigating the Maze who quite possibly could have lost their foster daughter today. PLEASE pray for them. I can't imagine what they must be going thru! SW really shouldn't be allowed to do what is happening to them or to "Danielle".

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

What to do what to do...

Yesterday my trainer was here to find out what is going on here at work. I haven't been selling enough products (in his opinion). He is also the insurance guy for the business and he said he's been doing this job long enough that he knew there was something else going on.

I broke down and told him what was going on around here (without using names at this point). I told him EXACTLY what had been taking place and was was now taking place. My suspicions of being looked at are not suspicions. I was approached yesterday and asked...

Friend of mine: What is going on between you and employee?
Me: Why?
FoM: Because he came up to me and said, I just want to set the story straight and want you to hear my side of what is going on....(and precedes to tell her that he has done SOOO MUCH for me and now I turned my back on him).
Me: Oh really.
FoM: He also wants me to ask you what he did to you that made you go to GM?
Me: Well, not to be rude, but I don't think he should be going around to people like this. We are not in highschool anymore. I had NO Plans of discussing this outside of GM's office and I am going to leave it at that. Now that explains why I am getting this feeling all over this place that the people are looking at me. Heck, KL hasn't even spoken to me this week and usually is in my office a couple times a day to bs. But then again, she has been at "the employees" desk quite a bit so I am sure he's filled her full of lies about me.
FoM: Well can we talk?
Me: Ok.
FoM: "The employee" ...did he ever follow you to your car? Did he never take NO for an answer?....(She goes on to tell me EXACTLY what the employee has been like towards her and it is EXACTLY what he was doing to me).
Me: You NEED to go to GM. I feel like people think I am just causing problems and after what you have just told me, I know it's not ME! PLEASE go to GM. This guy has a SERIOUS problem.

We'll see what happens. My trainer, let's call him Stu, asked me point blank what I wanted him to do to help me out. I told him I wasn't sure what he could do. Knowing now that my feelings of being "watched" around here are true, I'm not sure what I want to do. I really am stressed out beyond belief. I am going to apply at Walmart. That's how bad it is here. I worked retail thru highschool and college. I've been in customer service ALL MY LIFE. I'm going to tell them this is what I am available. Do you have anything that would work for me? If not, I can stay here at my current job until I find something. I just really think for my own sanity I need to do this. I need to get away from "the employee". Why do I have to be the one to quit though? I did nothing wrong! And yet, he is the one spreading the rumors about me! He's 50 years old!!!! Grow up! I don't know how to fix this problem that I got myself into. Now I think back and what if I had said NO more times. What if I had not let him push me around? What if I had went to GM sooner? What if....what if....what if...????

Why do I let myself think this way? Cause it's human nature I guess.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Harrassment Situation Update

Trace asked what was happening with the Harrassment situation here at work so I thought I'd just update everyone (I'm making myself feel good and thinking that EVERYONE must be wondering ...hehehe)

Our GM spoke with the employee. The employee has not spoken to me (good deal!). However, I get the feeling that I am being looked at by EVERYONE now. This employee is constantly talking to the other women around here (is it just me or odd that this employee NEVER is seen talking to fellow male employees???). When I walk by or into the office, the conversation quits IMMEDIATELY and everyone just looks at me. Am i just paranoid? Maybe. But I feel it just a little too odd. I don't know what to do. Short of just quitting.

We'll see what happens.

On another note, hubby and I are headed to the doc this morning to see what is going on with him. He's been have dizzy spells ever since the car accident and they keep getting worse. I'm really nervous what might be wrong with him. AND VERY UPSET the doctors didn't check him over better when the accident happened. Hopefully we will be able to get some answers or at least get some more tests ran today.

Monday, November 5, 2007

New Job....

not gonna happen. At least not where I wanted. Got my rejection notice last Friday.

Oh well...guess life has to go on...the alternative isn't very good.

It's Snowing!

The first snow fall of the season. It's not going to amount to any accumulation but it's SNOWING! :-) Now...maybe I should find my winter coat, huh???

Needless to say - I didn't dress for this today and so I think I may fore-go lunch just so I don't have to go outside in the cold!

Happy Monday to you!

My "Life"

This Is My Life, Rated
Life: 5.6
Mind: 4.5
Body: 5.2
Spirit: 4.8
Friends/Family: 8.2
Love: 7.3
Finance: 6.6
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Ok. I got this from Little Did I Know. Thought it was neat so decided to take the quiz and here's my results. How did you do?

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Halloween pics

Here's a couple pics from Halloween. The "Bride" and her western "Groom" are just adorable aren't they??? They wanted to be like mommy and daddy were on their wedding day (Ok, except Hubby didn't wear a holster/gun and he had a tux jacket/shirt and black hat) but that's as close as we could come. Emilee even wore my headpiece from our wedding. I'm such a nice Mommy! :-) Spider man is my bff's son.

I'm going to remove the one of Em & JP from the front in a few days but thought you'd like to see it.
Have a great weekend.

Friday, November 2, 2007

It's Friday....

So what are your plans for the weekend?

I have to work tomorrow (ugh!) and then we are going to go meet the respite family (aka Mommy's friends! as far as the kids are concerned as of yet). I need to figure out how to tell the kids or should I say WHEN to tell the kids. Emilee was talking the other day about the foster home they stayed at with Donny & Conny went away on a trip. So I know she will understand. I just have to find the right time to do it.

It is also my niece's 1st birthday tomorrow and my sis is having a small party on Sunday for her. I could drive down there (2 hrs one way) but that is a lot of driving and with $3.00 / gallon gas - that will get to be expensive so not sure what to do there. If I could find a sitter for the kids - I would go, but that's a lot of time in the van for the kids. We'll see what happens.


In other news...remember when I was having those "issues" with a fellow employee. The one who is old enough to be my dad but is very CREEPY??? Well they are still going on. I've been keeping a log on my computer of exactly what time he talks to me, where we are at, why he is needing to talk to me and how it has made me feel. Well, yesterday when I went to lunch, another employee came in my office to use my computer and was snoopy. (That's a whole story in itself but at least there was nothing to incriminate myself that was seen - i.e. job app). He showed my log to the GM. So today after the Friday meeting, the GM asked me to stay for a minute to discuss some commission issues on the sales people. We did that and then he asked about the other employee. He told me he had been shown my log. I told him what all had been going on.

He then told me my options.

1.) He could speak with this employee and tell him that he is to stay out of my office and not speak to me for ANY reason. If he has a question that is business related, he can go to GM and GM will bring the question to me.

2.) I can file a written harrassment complaint and go thru all those steps.

I told the GM that the only reason I had not come to him sooner is because the last time I did, this employee came back to me complaining about what I had told GM. I told GM about him following me to my vehicle and everything.

We came up with the plan that GM will speak with employee today and give him a verbal warning. If employee comes to my office for ANY reason or talks to me within the dealership for ANY reason, I am to go to GM immediately. Then I will have to file a written complaint. I don't want to be the "bad guy" in all this, but it really is driving me nuts. I think that is part of the reason I HATE MY JOB is because I know I have him here to bug me and give me the creeps all day.

We'll see how things go after today.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Oh my goodness...Oh my goodness

(Anybody else ever watch the movie Annie?) So anyways, I'm in a better mood since about 4pm. We'll see how long this mood lasts. Here's why...

I'm sitting at my desk working and I see this lady coming towards my office. She looks vaguely familiar but I can't figure out why. She pops her head in my office door and ...

Lady: Do you remember me?
Me: No I'm sorry I don't. You do look familiar though.
Lady: I'm G's mom.
Me: Oh, I'm sorry I didn't recognize you. (I met her one time on Aug 16 here at work when she had G here)
Lady: Not a problem. Are you busy?
Me: Nope. Not too bad. What can I help you with?
Lady:I just had some pictures taken of G and I was wondering if you would like one?
Me: Oh my goodness. I would LOVE one.
Lady: Well I would also like to know if you would like to be a part of G's life? I'm not sure how you feel about that but I want her to know you and how well you took care of her.
Me: (tears in my eyes) You don't know how much that would mean to me.
Lady: Well look thru these pictures and let me know. My son is the one who cleans cars (I did know there was a new kid back there but didn't know who he was) you can either send them with him or I will stop back and pick them up.
Me: Ok, I'll do that. Thanks again.
Lady: You're welcome.

Ok, I should come up with a name for her other than Lady but for now that is who she is. I looked at the pics as soon as she left. she adorable (still). There is no way that I can choose just one. I went to Walmart on my lunch/supper break and bought some photo paper and I'm making color copies of them. That way I can choose 1 to get a bigger picture of and still have all of them. ;-p

If I can figure out how to scan them in at home, I'll upload one to here so you guys can see who the little girl is that stole my heart long ago. Ok I figured it out!! I'm so proud of myself. I won't leave these up too long though. Enjoy.

How was your Halloween???

Ours was ok. I was "THE BEST MOM IN THE WHOLE WORLD" cause I took the kids trick or treating. Actually, I think I had more fun than they did. We went with my bff (the one who is going to let me experience her pregnancy with them) and her hubby & son. Their son is 4. Her Hubby drove the van and we walked with the kids but it was nice to be able to get in and warm up between the longer walks between houses. It was 47degrees here and THANKFULLY the wind had gone down before we went out t-ot-t'ing so that helped a lot.

The kids were ADORABLE! I forgot to bring my film with me today though so I'll have to wait until tomorrow to get it developed. (Part of the pits of living so far away - can't just run home and get it). Then I'll post some pics the beginning of next week if I don't get a chance tomorrow.

This morning JP was VERY TIRED and didn't want to go to school. I'm sure he's whipped as it was 9pm before we got home and they are usually in bed by 7:30pm. Oh well. I dealt with it this am and Hubby gets to deal with it tonight cause I have to work until 8pm so it's his problem for a change. (I'm so cruel to think this way). Maybe if the night goes the way I think it will, he'll begin to understand better why I am so looking forward to the respite weekend (which by the way is 8 days away!) ;-p

And trace - to answer your question...I really hope we get some quality alone time during the repsite weekend (wink wink nudge nudge). It's been a LONG TIME since we've had a QUALITY time and those morning quickies just aren't the same. (I know TMI but deal with it)

I need some advice

from anyone who has previously dealt with a child play therapist. Emilee had another appt this morning. This would make appt #3. The therapist spent 50 minutes talking to me and 10 minutes sitting on the floor watching Em play with the dolls. Is this normal???? I realize she needs to get to know Emilee but what is she learning in 10 minutes???? Maybe I"m just not getting the drift of what this whole "therapy" thing is supposed to be.

In my thoughts....shouldn't she be talking to Emilee about how she is feeling. Especially since she knows that Emilee now knows that they get to stay with us forever. She never even talked to her at all about that. Didn't even bring it up. Doesn't it matter how she feels about that? Is she happy she gets to stay with us? Is she sad because she might forget about her bm? Are we nice to her? Do we ever say mean things? I don't know - maybe just get her talking a little bit about something! I know you can't just hit a 7 year old with a bunch of questions, but shouldn't you be starting somewhere?

I really feel like I took time off work(ok so since I really HATE my job right now, that wasn't a bad thing, but I also wasted my morning off by taking her)...drove 150 miles...and kept her out of a 1/2 day of school for nothing!

Please....what are your experiences with therapy for your kids????