Time to Reflect

Ok. I've had a lot of today to sit back and reflect on how things have been since Emilee and JP joined our family. To sit back and look at the big picture. To wonder..To ponder...to worry...to Smile :-)..to laugh...to cry...to do it all. I've been VERY unproductive at work and well frankly..I don't care. I probably shouldn't even be here today. My head's just not in it and frankly..who could blame me? What we went thru last night is not something that i can just shove aside and forget about until after business hours tonight. It's not possible.

So as I sit here and ponder all that went on...All that has gone on in the past 5 months. Did I see this coming? Well...no I can't say I did fully. Deep down...yeah I knew there were a lot of issues that were there but I was hopeful that with love & stability, we could work thru them. Maybe I was niave. I don't know. Like I've said before..I'm young. I'm new to this. This is our first long term placement of kids this age that came with the amount of "baggage" that they came with. We knew of their baggage. We (or should I say I) read the files BEFORE we accepted placement. I relayed all the info to Hubby. We agreed this was a good fit for us. "Baggage" and all.

Did we wait too long to get back into therapy?

Did we waste too much time with the therapist that I don't think is doing us any good?

Did we do too much harm to her by moving JP out of her school into one that will better fit his needs?

Did we do more harm than good by having them go to a respite home to give us a break?

Did we...did we...did we...???

I don't know the answers to those questions. I don't WANT to know the answers to those questions. Ok, I DO know the answers to those questions. The answers to those questions is that there are no right or wrong answers to those questions.

Why is it so hard for me to understand that her issues were ALWAYS there ...always underneath that smiley little girl that we love so much. It was just a matter of time before they broke the surface.

I think what scared me the most (other than the threats to our lives) is that standing there looking at her in that bed last night with Hubby holding the covers down to protect himself from the flying arms and legs while we tried to talk to her, is that it wasn't OUR little girl laying there looking back at me. Her eyes were blank. She kept telling us her name was McKenzie not Emilee and I think she truly thought that was right. Is she bi-polar? Is she schizophrenic? I don't know. I know NOTHING about those diseases/disorders. All I know is that that wasn't my little girl laying in that bed last night. It was truly like something had taken over her body. At 7 years old. I probably could have blown off the threats she made to our lives...that she was just mad...it's the first time she has said anything like that...but when you look at the big picture of what she was doing...the things she was saying...I couldn't. I was down right scared to death. Scared she would hurt us. Scared she would hurt herself. Scared she would hurt her little brother who was (trying to) sleep in the next room.

In about an hour I will be leaving work. I will go to daycare and pick her up. Hubby will meet me there and pick up JP and take him home. Emilee and I will drive the 60 miles to the nearest big town and go to the hospital. We will talk to the assessment people and see what they say. What kind of lies will she make up? She's already cried abuse to the school...will she do it again? I won't be surprised. That scares me about even taking her in...but she needs to go in. She needs help. I'm told this hospital though won't admit her or anything unless she is physically threatening at the time we are there. Well that's not her behavior. She is an angel in front of people. Maybe not today. Maybe they will see her for the problems that lie within. Afterall, they are trained professionals, right?

When I sit here and I look at what I would call the temper tantrums from the past 3 weeks. I can see a pattern.

Oct 30 - Problems in school. Note came home and was hand delivered to daddy by the Afterschool Program van driver. Daddy tried talking to Emilee about it and she became quite upset. Mommy and JP get home. Daddy fills mommy in and mommy reads note. Daddy & Mommy sit down and try to talk to Emilee about her behavior in school and why it is so important to listen to the teachers, etc. Emilee yells, screams, says it's the other kids' fault. Nothing is EVER Emilee's fault. Mommy and Daddy love JP more because they are letting him play and making Emilee sit and talk. (that's her words..not mine). Lots of Yelling, screaming, You don't love Me, I hate you, etc. We tell her that if she chooses to keep up this behavior and if she has a bad day in school tomorrow...there will be no trick-or-treating. It is her choice if she wants to go or not. About 1 1/2 hrs into tantrum...she finally gives in and goes to sleep.

Oct 31 - good day in school. We went trick or treating. Behavior is "normal" for a 7 yr old.

Fast forward to Nov 5.

Mommy forgot to send show and tell on Friday Nov 2. Yes...BAD MOMMY! But Emilee is 7 and knows when show and tell is so should mommy take all the blame...Not in my opinion. But for her benefit..I will.

Nov 5 - Emilee gets home from AS and daddy is going thru her backpack to check her homework. He finds her little play dress up high heel shoes. He asks her why they are in her backpack and if Mommy knew they were there. She said yes, mommy knows. Enter mommy and JP. No mommy doesn't know that the dress up shoes went to school. When Daddy talks to Emilee some more, she says she snuck them because MOMMY forgot to send show and tell on Friday. They are broken now because so-and-so tried to take them away from her. Enter crying...screaming...yelling... "You don't love me. You hate me. You love JP More. " Bedtime rolls around and we're still having a tantrum. Up & out of bed...back to bed....yelling...slamming doors....throwing toys against the wall...kicking the wall...kicking mommy....hitting the wall....yep...we saw (what we thought) was it all that night. Eventually, she tired herself out enough that they FINALLY fell asleep. (About 2 hrs into tantrum)

Fast forward to Nov 11.

Home from respite. All is going well. Bedtime rolls around...I'm not going to post what went on next....read my previous entry from this morning.

When I sit back and analyze these 3 weeks...3 tantrums. Here's my conclusions...

1. Up until last night...they were started by her doing something she KNEW was wrong and us trying to discuss it with her afterschool.

2. Last night I'm not sure what her prob was...respite??? Maybe

3. Each time has lasted just a little longer than the previous.

4. Her behavior each time has gotten more intense/destructive.

5. Her language has gotten more abusive both towards herself and towards us.

6. Now...why though is this just 1 time per week. The other days she truly is a good kid. We have had VERY FEW issues other than these specific days/nights. I just don't understand.

Well now it is only about 20 minutes before I need to leave so I better finish up my work. I'll update tomorrow on how tonight goes.