Thursday, November 15, 2007

Warning...MAJOR Vent Ahead if you're reading this part...know you have been warned by the title.

This am I had my yearly checkup with my OBGYN - always fun...right? Well considering my past health issues...I really don't mind these checkups. Heck..I've been poked and prodded more in those areas than most people. we wait 2 weeks to get the results. Want to bet me??? I'll be having ANOTHER colposocopy done sometime mid bet me! The major issue I have with these appts is the fact that I have to sit around the waiting room with all the happy pregnant women. I'm emotional enough...this put me over the top. Thankfully a friend of mine from HS works in that dept and so I was able to visit with her.

Then we had a family therapy appt at the hospital. Guess what...Emilee is acting this way because of her past....DUH! I'm so glad I'm not paying this bill. She's been there 3 days and that is what they can tell us???? Hmmmm...I could have told them that on night 1. It's the question of WHAT in her past and WHAT can we do to help her work thru her past so that SHE can be safe and WE can be safe. Oh...and the therapist informed us that they had to file a child abuse report because my sweet little princess decided to tell them some more lies. Yep..directed at me again. I told the admitting nurse that she threatened to tell them "blah blah blah" (don't think I'm going to go into too much exact detail while this is investigated) because she said that was how she was going to "get back at me" for making her stay at the hospital. The nurse noted it but since she said it to someone else...they still have to file their forms.

It is so tough. What did I do to deserve this life? Why do I have to "settle" raising someone else's messed up kids so that I can have a family and be a mom? It's not fair! Hubby and I are at odds over what to do. All he says to me is...we were told in training that this could happen. DUH! I was at training. How about a little support for me? I'm the one whose name is being drug thru the mud on this. I'm the one who they will be investigating. I'm the one who bends over backwards for these kids and yet I'm the one who is getting sh** on. Why can't you just be a little supportive of me. Tell me you love me. Tell me that I'm not to blame for this. Tell me something. Don't just say...well, we knew this could happen. What good does that do?

Ok...a little clarification...when I said "settle" above I don't mean that as negatively as it sounds. Well maybe today I do but I really do LOVE THESE KIDS. ALL THE KIDS who come thru our home are treated as OUR kids while they are with us. It's just so hard sometimes.

So I cried all the way back to work and Hubby said nothing. I said nothing. He wants to know why I can't talk to him the way we I used to. But when I tell him how I'm feeling..I get the same response EVERY time..."you knew this was a possibility". Hello...and you're asking me why I can't talk to you the way I used to. Hmmm. Figure it out yourself.

They want us to bring JP up to see her tomorrow night. Ok, we'll do that. They want to see how she reacts to him leaving with us and her having to stay there. Part of me hopes this triggers something because up until today, her behavior has been perfect according to the reports. Like I suspected...she can put on a good show for other people.

At this point, we have another family meeting/discharge meeting scheduled for next Tues at 3pm. They want us to take her for a day pass this weekend. Ok, I work all day Sat so that won't work. A day pass is for 8 hrs max. We live 1 hr from the hospital. So with gas prices at $3.199+ I am supposed to drive 60 miles to get her. Turn around drive back 60 miles home. Spend approx 5-6 hrs at home with her and then turn around (in the dark) and drive 60 miles back to the hospital with her and then 60 miles back home again. Do these people think I have money coming out of my ears for gas? I don't know what we'll do. Maybe we'll just take her for a few hours and do some shopping on Sunday afternoon and maybe hit a park. We'll see what the weather forcast is because as of today Sat & Sun are supposed to be COLD, windy and rain/snow showers. Icy roads...umm she'll be staying at the hospital.

Well if you made it thru this..Thank you for reading.


Yondalla said...

I read every word. And I love you and I know that knowing that you might have to deal with something doesn't change how you feel or how hard it was. We took Frankie knowing he might not be able to live outside of residential care. We knew we might loose him -- it still hit us so hard we don't know when or even if we will be able to do it again.

And what E. is doing is so very RAD. Lordy, it reminds me of my "Miss E." She will behave very well there because she doesn't have any emotional intimacy. No one goes around trying to LOVE her.

I think you are right to think about how you can spend time with her in the city she is in. Even if all you do is have lunch and walk around a mall. It might be that coming to the house and then leaving so quickly would be hard on her too!

Julie said...

I am sorry this is so hard- it does suck- I know you signed up for it- but so what- it still sucks when it happens- as far as the gas and such- can't you get the county to pay for that? I would ask the caseworker- they should help- Hang in there!! prayers to you!

FosterAbba said...

I wish I had something brilliant to say.

You are dealing with some very hard stuff, and even if you "knew it was a possibility" doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

Whether or not you "signed up" for something doesn't make it right or fair. The worst of it is, though, when the system that is supposed to help you turns their back on you.

Good luck, and I'm sorry.

Mary said...

I'm so sorry; I can sooo relate to all of your "rants." I remember sitting at the OB/GYN office and absolutely dreading having one more pregnant woman walk through the door.

Just know we're all here and love you and support you and won't say "we knew this could have been a possibility."

Don't fault Hubby too badly. He's probably as confused, hurt, scared, angry, and unsure as you.

If you need to, call and scream at me. I can take it!

Amanda said...

So sorry your family is going through this -especially that you're not finding more comfort from you're husband. If it helps you're totally right that this sucks and you shouldn't have to deal with it. The real testament to you is that you are :-)

Trace said...

Oh, Jodi...I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time right now. And yes, the gyn does suck because of all the pregnant women. I hope you get good results w/your testing.