Ok, this may be hard to read for some people so this is your warning...
My good friend K and her hubby B have invited me to be a part of their pregnancy. I am invited to all doc appts and this morning I got to be there with them for their first ultrasound. WOW! Although this is tough for me in the fact that I wish it was me experiencing all of what she is going thru, I know that isn't possible and I'm happy for K&B. They are great people. They have a 4 yr old son R. This means so much. I've only known K for about 5 years so for her and B to open up this very important part of their lives and include me, well it's beyond words. It's not like we grew up together or anything and for her to offer this to me is beyond words that I can express.
Last week I went to her appt with the doc and got to hear the heartbeat. That was neat also but to actually see the baby today was so wonderful. I am so thankful to her that she has given me this opportunity.
Never having this experience before I am just amazed. It actually brought tears to my eyes to watch the ultrasound. To see this little person who is only the size of a large grape and yet the arms/legs/face is all there. we got to see a close up of the face and it looked like he/she was smiling at us. :-) They have chosen to not find out what the baby is until he/she is born but both B & I think we saw/didn't see what was/wasn't there. I'm not going to say what I think I saw/didn't see just because I want to wait for now.
Ok, so as happy as I am to be a part of this and as thankful as I am to them for allowing me to be there every step of the way..it is still hard. Don't get me wrong, I can't just shut off the jealousy etc that I feel when I look at pregnant women. It hurts. It hurts a lot but I know this is the closest that I will ever come to experiencing "being" pregnant so I am working VERY hard to put the hard/jealous feelings aside and be happy. Today when we got to the clinic though, there were 2 other women there who were VERY pregnant and that was like a knife thru my heart. K isn't showing yet - she's about 20 weeks - so it hasn't been too hard. Other than hearing the heartbeat and now seeing the baby....if you didn't know she was preggers - you wouldn't know. I think it may become more and more difficult for me as she starts to show and I will then have to really think about what they are giving me thru this process.
So then comes the question, how do I ever say THANK YOU enough to them for what they are allowing me to be a part of? I know they don't expect anything...they are just WONDERFUL people giving someone a gift that otherwise wouldn't be. But I feel like I need to come up with a way to thank them. My hubby thinks it's gross that I want to be involved in all this. Maybe it is. Maybe you guys think it is gross too. Who knows and frankly...I guess you could say who cares if you do? I will admit...I'm nervous about being there at delivery. It's just such a personal moment and I plan to step out of the room and let them have that family time.
So anyways...I hope you don't mind but from time to time I will probably be using this blog to talk about my feelings along this journey of my life.