Wednesday, October 17, 2007

This may be TMI...

No swimmers in the tube...No bun in the oven posted recently about libido and how it is affecting their situation. This brought up a lot of feelings for us so I thought I'd vent about it here.


This has been something that we have dealt with ongoing practically since we got married but it's something that isn't one sided. It's there from both sides. He claims things changed when we got married (on my end). I say things (he) changed once we knew for sure what our issues were (his infertility) even though we/he knew for a long time that was a strong possiblity.
It's tough to deal with. Other people have said the "why bother" was an issue. I think that goes for both of us. I'm so stressed out with our current situation and everything else going on that by the time my head hits the pillow - i just want to sleep. Why bother? It's not going to change anything anyways??? And it's not like we're going to get pregnant on our own.

I can't speak too much for hubby...it's not a topic we really discuss a lot (although I know we should!) but from my side of things....

Everything in the past 2 years has been extremely stressful for me.
Since 2005...

1. 2 failed DIUI's summer 2005

2. We became foster parents (sept 2005) and have had at least 1 child but usually between 2-4 kids for most of that time ---3 month break March-June 07 only

3. From April 2006-Aug 2006 I lost 8 family members including my 2 grandpa's and a cousin who committed suicide (rest were a little more distant but still family)

4. Our little girl Gabby was "ripped from our home" on Nov 26, 2006 @ 7:45am

5. dealt with 2 meth babies from Sept 2006-Jan 2007 with little to no help from sw

6. 2 wrist surgeries July 2006 to repair torn tendons & Sept 2006 emergency surgery to remove staph infection and incl 1 week hospital stay and IV's at home for 3 weeks.

7. Em & JP were placed with us in June 2007 & well you all know where we are with them now

8. Sister's pregnancy was hard to handle due to jealousy

9. Hubby's accident in Sept 2007 scared the crap outta me and I still have dreams at night about that.

10. Hubby and I have had our issues all along (which is a whole different blog in itself so that is all I'll say on that one).

11.

I could keep going but I think you get the point. I do have "happy" pills that are an all natural supplement that I was given by my chiropractor. They seem to work when I take them. I'm not good at taking them though. I just feel so depressed lately that sex is the last thing on my mind. It seems that the kiddos take so much outta me that by the time they are in bed (and ASLEEP) I can't keep my eyes open. We seem to only get about 30 mins of alone time (on a good night) and then I'm off to bed. Well Hubby can make it on very little sleep (4-5 hours) where I need 7-8 hours so he's never ready to go to bed when I am. He will sometimes come to bed and we can have our time (wink wink) and then he gets back up after I fall asleep and goes on the computer or whatever. I hate this! Even though I'm asleep and he just tells me the next day what he did...it bugs me!

My other fear is that if I go to an actual medical doctor and discuss my depressed/over stressed state of mind, what does that mean as far as foster care??? Will that throw up a red flag to our lovely system???? I'm not depressed in the state of mind that I want to do something stupid to myself...it's more of an OVER STRESSED state of mind. I'm not sure how to balance everything going on right now in my life. I'm being pulled in a hundred different directions at the same time and I can't keep up with everything.

My house is a pigsty...ok - it's not unlivable by any means and someone from the outside probably sees nothing wrong with it, but I think it's a pigsty. I want more time with my kids, but due to my lovely (and that is meant to be sarcastic) job, I don't have the time to give the kids. I want more time with my hubby but due to the afore mentioned reason for not being with my kids and MY KIDS issues, I don't have the time for him either. I want my house back to how I like it. I want to have time to organize things...I want to decorate for the holidays (Halloween is only 2 weeks away and I haven't even decorated anything)...I want I want I want. It's not like my wants are unreasonable...I just can't accomplish them. UGH.

Ok so this started out as a vent about my sex life and ended up as a vent about my life in whole....if you're still reading this...THANK YOU. Now any ideas for me????

2 comments:

Candice said...

Having special needs children in your home can do a number on a relationship. Especially when you were hoping to carry a bio child. If possible, setting "alone" time or "date nights" always helps.

..I recently came across your blog & really enjoy it.

Trace said...

Our sex life has struggled for a long time too. It has improved now because of a medication change on my end, but it's still a work in progress.

I know your busy and stressed, but it is important. Try your best to "schedule" romantic time too!

I didn't know you tried DI. I thought you had told me that your husband wasn't comfortable with that route. Two inseminations isn't very many... The research I did said it typically takes 6 cycles and without meds longer. JMO, and you know how usefull that is (sarcasm).