When it rains...it pours

First of all the Emilee saga....Sat night she had a 6+ hr tantrum that I can't even tell you what set her off other than the wind!?!?!?!? We have 2+ hrs of video tape of her hitting/kicking us and yelling and screaming at us and calling us names. I spoke with the partnership program Sat night about 10pm and she said that they can't transport her if she is that worked up. HMMMM...so what is the point of a safe house if you can't transport her to it when she isn't safe at our house???? Anyways, eventually (after 1am) she tired herself out enough to fall asleep. It was after 2am before I could fall asleep and I was awake at 5am. Got up at 6:30am and balanced the checkbook. Then my heart started racing to the point my whole body was shaking and I couldn't breathe. Kenny made me lay down and we timed it...7 minutes. UGH. I am told it was a panic attack...I've never had one of them before. We got Emilee up at 8am because that is usually when they get up and if I couldn't sleep in, why should she get to? She started out hitting me right away and Hubby saw it. He told me to dress her (she refused to dress herself so I picked out the clothes I KNEW she didn't like! I'm so mean!) and then I called the partnership lady back and told her that someone had to come get her. We secretly packed an overnight bag for her and about 1 hour later she left with Partnership Lady. JP in the mean time was down at Hubby's dad's house so he didn't have to observe the horrible behavior and guess what????? He's been GREAT ever since she left. The teacher even said that he was the best behaved kid in class (now last week he was kicked out and we didn't put him back on any meds). Now is it just coincidence or was his sister saying something to him last week???? I don't know. Tonight Emilee is back at the safe house. The sw is trying to get her admitted to some sort of hospital in the middle of the state that accepts younger kids. She needs 24 hr/round the clock care to try and get her regulated. We have decided that we will have NO CONTACT with her until she becomes regulated or at least for a month or so to see how she is coping with the change. I know it's going to be hard, but it is for the best. It was a relief to find out that they weren't going to take JP from us. Why should he be uprooted because of her behavior??? It just wouldn't have made any sense. This weekend I will plan to pack her things and at least put them in the storage shed until the next sw visit and can send them with her.

On a different note....my grandma is a "walking heart attack waiting to happen" according to her doctor and she (gma) said it is all my mom's fault. Go figure. Gma will be 81 in 2 weeks. She has so much fluid around her heart that she is in serious danger and yet she blames her not taking her pills on my mom! UGH! I would really like to kick some sense into grandma but she isn't in her right mind right now. Her thyroid is out of whack along with a lot of other things in her body and it's just said. Gma told my mom and dad that she would rather be in a coffin than live like this anymore. Mom and dad took her car away today and my mom is staying with her tonight at her house. Tomorrow my uncle is coming down and will stay with gma for the night. Then we hope he will bring her back to his house for a night and mom can pick her up on THursday after the family meeting we have at the hospital (yes my uncle & aunt live in this big town). (Shame on me for not going to see them while I'm here but they don't need to know about this right now).

Then my cell phone took a dump tonight and I ended up needing to get a new one. I spent 1 1/2 hrs at the store trying to get it and they still forgot to give me the house charger with it so now I have to call them first thing in the morning and tell them that I will stop in tomorrow night and pick it up. UGH!

As for the weekend (other than the Emilee saga) it wasn't too bad. I did OK on my exchanges on Sat; however I also binged 2 X and tried to purge for the first time in my life. (Luckily) I didn't succeed. I guess there's some good in that I can't make myself throw up. I've never done that before and it scared me. I told the doc/nurse today about it though and they were pretty helpful and understanding. Therapy went good today. Well as good as can be expected when I have so many other things on my brain.

Thanks to EVERYONE who commented on the last post. Knowing all of my friends are out there is really a blessing! You guys are great!

So is there any NEWS that I need to know about??? I'm not taking time to read too many blogs these days...Send me an email. Oh and Julie...can you email me your link again??? I have it on my computer at work but not here. Thanks!

A Quick Update

I don't have time or energy to write much now. A lot happened over the weekend and to make a long story short...Emilee is gone and she won't be coming back. I know this is going to leave a lot of you wondering about things...but check back later tonight (like bedtime or later) and I will update again with more info. Please pray for her and us. This is a VERY difficult time.

A time to Vent

ok, if you are following the other site, i'm staying somewhat vague about particular things on there because some of my IRL family and friends read that. The truth of the matter is this....

I want to quit therapy. I know I need it. I know I need to be there BUT with everything going on with the kids right now and Hubby's aunt dying of cancer, treatment is just more than I can emotionally handle right now. (In my mind). The problem...if I leave...will I ever come back??? And they told me on day 1 that if I sign myself out of therapy against medical advice...some insurance companies don't pay. I can't afford to pay for this. I'm really banking on what other people have told me in that it will get easier. The depression is the worst right now. I'm depressed every day. On a scale of 0 - 10 with 0 being good and 10 being bad we rate ourselves on numerous categories 2 times every day. My depression and anxiety were a 10 tonight. I dont' know what it is that is triggering this but it sucks the big one. I don't feel like i can state how truely bad I am feeling on the caring bridge site where my IRL friends/family read it.

To top off my crappy day...Hubby got a call this am that JP was suspended from school...yep look again 5 yr 7 months old! He's in DEVELOPMENTAL KINDERGARTEN for g-d's sake. He just flat out refuses to cooperate in school this week. We did make a med change last weekend and I think that is the main issue so I will call the doc tomorrow am and leave a voicemail to call Hubby at work to schedule and emergency appt. This is SO NOT JP!!!!

Upon returning to work after getting JP and taking him to daycare, Em's teacher called to say Em was having a bad day today. Em is blaming it on the fact that she misses Mom (me) and that Daddy got to spend the night with mommy the other night and the kids' didn't. They were in bed when I got home and I only saw them about 10 minutes in the morning before I left. What's she going to do when she finds out this is what it will be like for the next who knows how many weeks. Poor thing.

Can't think of anything to blog about. I'm finally yawning enough that I hope I can get some sleep. Good night.

Other site

Ok...I have figured out that I did give some of you the wrong URL for the website. I'm going to be pretty vague on here so bear with me...if you can't figure it out...let's see...email NO Swimmers (hope that's ok M!) as I know she can get into it.

go to www.caringbridge.org

ON the main page it will ask you to enter the site name. Enter my name.

THen it will ask for you to sign in with an email address and enter the password that you were given.

Good luck! If it still doesn't work...email me and I'll check on here again tomorrow am and see if anyone is still having problems.

Survived Day 1

Well I have survived day 1 here. It's in no way "Fun". It's work. Hard work and I know it's not going to be easy. I'm not going to update too much on here as I have the caring bridge site. HOpe all is well with everyone.

It's official

The hospital called me this morning. I am to be there NO LATER than 10am on Monday. I haven't slept. I'm soooo nervous...scared...etc. I had a good, long talk with a coworker of mine who has struggled with eating disorders for many years. It was a nice conversation and I was able to open up a lot which I think I really needed. I have started a caring bridge site. I'm not sure how often I will update it but that is something that hubby will know about. If you want the address...send me an email. It will be password protected. PLEASE remember that Hubby doesn't know about my blog so if you leave any comments on the caring bridge site...let's NOT mention the blog.

I'll try to blog one more time tomorrow from work. Have a happy Easter everyone!

It's not what I wanted to be blogging about

but I was told at the doctor this morning that I do need to have more intense therapy. We agreed on a Partial Hospitalization which means I have to be at the hospital by 7:30am Monday-Friday and will be discharged at 6:30pm. Weekends I am free. This is going to cost me A LOT of gas money but I know it's what i need. I hope I can get on the right track with things. I'm telling you guys this because I will probably "disappear" for a while. Since my family does not know of my blog, I will not be blogging from home. I'm not sure that I will have access to the internet at all during my treatment at the hospital. PLEASE know that I am thinking about ALL of you and will be anxious to catch up with everyone's blogs (so the less you blog while I'm gone...the easier it will be for me to catch up!). I will be checking my work email from home though so feel free to send me an email with any SUPER exciting news that I won't want to wait to find out.

You are all the best. Thank you for your support! I'm nervous as heck about my kids. I have to call the social worker and tell her what is going on as we have a perm plan meeting next week that I won't be able to attend. UGH! If it wasn't for that...I could have just slid this by without letting them know.

An Eye Opener

Well last night went well with A. I'm not sure yet if he'll be back for another night or not. Don't really care either way. Although he chatters nonstop, it wasn't too bad considering we didn't get home until 6:30pm and they were all in bed at 7:30pm.

Then I got a call from my "mentor" for foster care. Just checking in. She is like a mom to me. She's just wonderful! Let's call her Jean. Anyways, Jean told me that there are currently 4 kids in care in our county whose mom's don't want them back! How could you not want your kids back???? I guess Emilee and JP's mom did the same thing so why am I surprised? It is 2 groups of 2. The one group happens to be the 2 little ones that I had for 5 days last November when Emilee was just coming home from the hospital. There's something going on with them that one of the dad's wants one and the other one's dad on the birth certificate isn't really dad and so they are searching for real dad. Hmmmm...I did make it known this am that I would take both or either one of them back in a heartbeat. The home they are in has given a one month notice on the kids. Afterall, they have 4 under the age of 3 with these 2 there and it was only supposed to be short term and it's been 4 months already. I don't blame her for being worn out and knowing her limits. I've been in her place before hating to ask to have kids' moved but knowing it's more than I could handle. We'll see what happens with them. I'm not getting excited but who knows...maybe things happen for a reason.

This finally brings me up to the "Eye Opener". If I want to bring 2 more kids' into my home on a longer term basis (and possibly forever), I need to be healthy. I go back to the doc on thursday and am going to discuss partial hospitalization treatment. I would like to do a "day treatment" program if there is one. I really think I could benefit from some group therapy. I can talk until I'm blue in the face with my friends/family and it's great but I think being able to talk to other people who are dealing with my struggles right now would help me out too. We'll see what the doc has to say.

I'm off to my meeting with my boss...wish me luck!

A New Placement

Yep, just what I need. Here's the original post from the first time he was with us. Yep you heard it right...this will be our 2nd placement with him. They tell me it's a 1 night stay. Do I believe them...NO but we'll see what happens tomorrow. He drove me absolutely NUTS last time but I still found I couldn't say no. Afterall, he's got issues and to put him in a different home when he already knows us and supposedly it's only for 1 night...how could I not say he could come??? Anyways we'll see how the night goes.

I called Hubby to let him know...

Me: We're gonna get another kid for the night.

Hubby: Who?

Me: A

Hubby: Why???

ME: Cause they tell me it's only for 1 night.

Hubby: Ok fine.

If it turns into more than 1 night, I'll have to come up with a name for him. We'll see.

A clarification

Some have asked about the new blog title. No we have not finalized yet. I'm unsure WHEN we will. Notice I didn't say IF. Emilee and JP have been with us for 9 months. Yes they have some MAJOR issues BUT I could never have them moved. They are MY kids. THey have no other parents. I can only imagine what moving them again would do to them. We are FINALLY going down the right path so we'll see how it goes for the next few months. Maybe for Christmas this year I will be a FOREVER mommy??? We'll have to see.

I'm Still Alive

I'm still alive. We have a "SUPER SALE" at work this week and I've put in about 40 hrs and it's only 11am on Thursday. (Can you figure out why I haven't blogged???)

Had a doc appt this am. Not good news. 2 choices....cut back to 20 hrs/week max work and treatment 2 days/week or be hospitalized. My choice. Hmmmm...I NEED to talk to my boss. The other choice does not fit good with me.

I'll update more later. HOpe all is well with everyone.

Happy Birthday Grandpa

Grandpa Phil,

Hi. First of all I want to wish you a HAPPY 83rd Birthday TODAY!!!

How are you doing? I'm sure you're laughing at all of us who are dealing with this COLD weather. I really miss you grandpa! There's so much that I didn't get to say to you.

I remember how upset you were when we made you go get your wrist checked out that Friday. You teased me because my wrist also was hurting me at the time. We made a good pair. They wanted to do surgery on your wrist. Mom told them NO WAY! Afterall, you were 80 years old and you didn't want it so she decided that she was going to do what you wanted and just let it heal as it may. (Boy am I glad she made that decision when she did). I wasn't as lucky. I had 2 surgery's on my wrist within 2 months of eachother that summer/fall but I guess you do know that as I know you were there with me both times.

I'm sorry we didn't make it to the home on Easter Sunday to visit you. I remember that Gabby wasn't feeling good and I remember telling Grandma to just give you a hug when she got there and tell you we'd be there to visit the following weekend.

Then Tuesday morning at 5:15am, the phone rang. It was mom and she was crying. I knew right away something was wrong. She said, "Jo, Grandpa's gone". And I said, "grandpa Klint?" and she said "No, Grandpa Phil". I remember crying immediatly and Hubby asking me what's wrong. I kept saying, "No, No, NO. How? Why?" Then Hubby took the phone and talked to mom. Gabby and I got up and came to the farm to be with mom and grandma and dad. I couldn't go to work. IT was the LONGEST 40 miles of my life. Gabby and I spent the night with grandma and came back to town the next day.

Then we headed back to the farm for the rest of the week. Friday was a tough day for everyone. The funeral was very nice though and Orv did a GREAT job singing. There was SOOOOO MANY Flowers! You really were a well liked person, Grandpa. So many stories about you driving bus for the school and you driving the gas truck. I enjoyed listening to all of them.

I hope you are celebrating with a huge cake and lots of gifts today. I took flowers out and came to visit you last weekend. It was cold and the roads were icy but I'm glad I made the trip. Enjoy your special day Grandpa!

I Love You and Miss You!

"Old Mean Jo"

Yep Baby

So my bff had a baby girl last night about 8:50pm. I'm so happy for her and her hubby. What an awesome experience to be a part of.
I couldn't ask for a better bff!

Maybe Baby???

Well I'm at the hospital today with my bff who is letting me be here for the birth of their baby. We've been here all day. We are making progress...SLOW but still progress. Unsure if we'll have a baby today or not but I'm sure excited for bff and her hubby.

I played hooky from work today too! :-) I'm so naughty but oh well. I'm thinking this day has also given me a much needed break from "the grind" and to just do something for myself for a change. Hubby was like "You've been there ALL DAY and you're staying LONGER?" and i was like "Yep. I'll drop a car seat off for JP at daycare and you can pick him up on your way home. Don't wait for me for supper". He didn't sound too impressed...but he'll get over it.

Hope everyone had a nice weekend.