Thursday, March 27, 2008

A time to Vent

ok, if you are following the other site, i'm staying somewhat vague about particular things on there because some of my IRL family and friends read that. The truth of the matter is this....

I want to quit therapy. I know I need it. I know I need to be there BUT with everything going on with the kids right now and Hubby's aunt dying of cancer, treatment is just more than I can emotionally handle right now. (In my mind). The problem...if I leave...will I ever come back??? And they told me on day 1 that if I sign myself out of therapy against medical advice...some insurance companies don't pay. I can't afford to pay for this. I'm really banking on what other people have told me in that it will get easier. The depression is the worst right now. I'm depressed every day. On a scale of 0 - 10 with 0 being good and 10 being bad we rate ourselves on numerous categories 2 times every day. My depression and anxiety were a 10 tonight. I dont' know what it is that is triggering this but it sucks the big one. I don't feel like i can state how truely bad I am feeling on the caring bridge site where my IRL friends/family read it.

To top off my crappy day...Hubby got a call this am that JP was suspended from school...yep look again 5 yr 7 months old! He's in DEVELOPMENTAL KINDERGARTEN for g-d's sake. He just flat out refuses to cooperate in school this week. We did make a med change last weekend and I think that is the main issue so I will call the doc tomorrow am and leave a voicemail to call Hubby at work to schedule and emergency appt. This is SO NOT JP!!!!

Upon returning to work after getting JP and taking him to daycare, Em's teacher called to say Em was having a bad day today. Em is blaming it on the fact that she misses Mom (me) and that Daddy got to spend the night with mommy the other night and the kids' didn't. They were in bed when I got home and I only saw them about 10 minutes in the morning before I left. What's she going to do when she finds out this is what it will be like for the next who knows how many weeks. Poor thing.

Can't think of anything to blog about. I'm finally yawning enough that I hope I can get some sleep. Good night.


Yondalla said...

I don't know you well enough or know this issue enough to give you meaningful advise or assvice -- but oh my gut wants to tell you that I would imagine that what is too much is coping with your life without the therapy.

Everything you have said about your husband tells me that you can trust him to take care of things.

Right now you need to take care of yourself.

You deserve it.

Julie said...

I agree with yondalla- I am sure it is VERY HARD but I also know that when people are in pain- and they get too close to what it is really about they all- want to flee from dealing with it- You have legitamate reason to want to go home- it is trully never going to be a good time to do this. There will always be a really legitamate reason not to.

Please stick it out- for you! You do deserve to get some healing and to put this behind you.

Prayers for you!!!

Mary said...

The kids will adjust; I'm sure it is scary for them to have you home less often, but they'll get used to it. And Hubby will do fine. He'll definitely have a great appreciation for all you do! You've spent so much time caring for everyone else; this is your time for you.

Take it one day at a time.

Amanda said...

I agree with the other commenters - just try to keep putting one foot in front of the other. JP and Emilee will adjust in time and you can't put their difficult adjusting in front of this important medical issue you need to deal with, you know?

I hope that you feel better soon. Wish there was something I could do. Big virtual hugs

Trace said...

Depression just sucks! I am very very very (can I stress enough?) proud of you for realizing you need help and for taking the therapy step. I never said anything, but my cousin (who I grew up with) became anorexic/bulemic as a teenager and it ripped their family apart and was devasting for everyone else. It it still is. When you talked about your decision I was so happy for you. Try to stay strong for yourself, your children, and the ones who love you.

I agree with everyone else. Let your husband carry some of the burden. You definitely are not in a position to.