Monday, February 11, 2008

Thoughts

So we survived the blizzard like conditions that were upon on this past Saturday. We survived driving 30 miles South to pick up my sil and her friend and friends' daughter after they hit a pheasant and took out the radiator on my sil's vehicle Sat night in the yucky weather. (LONG STORY as to why they were even out on the road). Today is icky too. COLD, snow, windy. Winter Weather Advisory as they call it. Hubby said I have to follow him home tonight to be sure I can even get down our road. It's not nice in the country. ANyways, that's life. I wouldn't want to live in town.

So that brings me up to my thoughts that I have been having. As I said in an earlier post...I've been to the eating disorder institute in a nearby big city for an evaluation. Anorexia has been something that i have struggled with on and off since highschool. Last summer I weighed in 22 lbs more than what i weigh now. What scares me is that the first thing the first doc that I saw said to me was..."You understand that this will become part of your medical records. It is confidential but in the event that your medical records are ever subpoena'd by the courts, I will have to break confidentiality and they will be released". OK, I wanted to get up and walk out. This is my biggest fear. IF i consider going for treatment, what will that do to our chances of adopting? You always have to answer the question if you've ever been to a therapist or if you have ever doctored for any psychological issues? What do I do? So ok, once the stress passes, I may be able to gain back some of the weight I've lost. But what happens 2 years from now when I'm back in this situation? That's why I decided to go for help now. But do I really want help? I don't know. I hate this! I hate feeling this way. I'm sick of people telling me how good I look. I'm sick of people telling me to JUST EAT! I'm sick of Hubby telling me to JUST EAT! Last night we were cuddling on our bed watching tv. He layed his head on my stomach and then started whining about how uncomfortable he was. UGH! They lay on your pillow. I'm sick of people telling me they wish they had my problem and didn't want to eat. I wish I could look in a mirror and be happy about what I see. I wish I didn't have to look at EVERY piece of food and decide whether or not i DESERVE to eat it. UGH! I HATE FEELING THIS WAY!

6 comments:

Julie said...

I am sorry that this is your struggle. I am sure it is hard and I don't have any answers but to hang in there- get the help you need and don't worry about the files. You need to take care of yourself- everything else will work out!! Hang in!

Yondalla said...

I sent you an email. The most important thing is that you take care of yourself.

Mary said...

I agree with Julie and Yondalla: take care of yourself. As to the "records," the fact that you are being proactive and taking steps before this becomes a bigger problem is an excellent sign on your behalf. You are taking the responsibility and seeking the help you need instead of someone forcing you against your will. Find another doctor for this, if you can. Compassion is an important part of healing and this one doesn't sound too compassionate.

We love you just the way you are, girl!

Tracers said...

Oh wow Jody. Take care of yourself.

Amanda said...

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, Jody. I am glad to hear that you are considering treatment and I can't imagine how an issue like an eating disorder, which you are proactively controlling coul dbe viewed as anegative.

Good luck.

Kathy said...

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's good that you're being proactive and getting everything taken care of, and that should be seen as a very positive thing...if the foster care/adoption workers ever ask you about counseling and seeing a doctor.

I know it really does stink that your whole life has to be an open book, when you have to deal with adopting children via the foster care system or an adoption agency. I still remember being scared when our adoption worker saw that I was referred to the LDSFS for counseling for my depression, and so I didn't end up going for counseling then. It's just not fair to want help, and need it, and to feel afraid that it will affect your chances of adopting.

Don't let fear stop you from moving on with taking care of yourself, because you need to make sure that YOU are a priority. Plus, like I mentioned, the cw's should see it as positive.

You're heading in the right direction, getting help now, and that's a wonderful thing!