So we survived the blizzard like conditions that were upon on this past Saturday. We survived driving 30 miles South to pick up my sil and her friend and friends' daughter after they hit a pheasant and took out the radiator on my sil's vehicle Sat night in the yucky weather. (LONG STORY as to why they were even out on the road). Today is icky too. COLD, snow, windy. Winter Weather Advisory as they call it. Hubby said I have to follow him home tonight to be sure I can even get down our road. It's not nice in the country. ANyways, that's life. I wouldn't want to live in town.
So that brings me up to my thoughts that I have been having. As I said in an earlier post...I've been to the eating disorder institute in a nearby big city for an evaluation. Anorexia has been something that i have struggled with on and off since highschool. Last summer I weighed in 22 lbs more than what i weigh now. What scares me is that the first thing the first doc that I saw said to me was..."You understand that this will become part of your medical records. It is confidential but in the event that your medical records are ever subpoena'd by the courts, I will have to break confidentiality and they will be released". OK, I wanted to get up and walk out. This is my biggest fear. IF i consider going for treatment, what will that do to our chances of adopting? You always have to answer the question if you've ever been to a therapist or if you have ever doctored for any psychological issues? What do I do? So ok, once the stress passes, I may be able to gain back some of the weight I've lost. But what happens 2 years from now when I'm back in this situation? That's why I decided to go for help now. But do I really want help? I don't know. I hate this! I hate feeling this way. I'm sick of people telling me how good I look. I'm sick of people telling me to JUST EAT! I'm sick of Hubby telling me to JUST EAT! Last night we were cuddling on our bed watching tv. He layed his head on my stomach and then started whining about how uncomfortable he was. UGH! They lay on your pillow. I'm sick of people telling me they wish they had my problem and didn't want to eat. I wish I could look in a mirror and be happy about what I see. I wish I didn't have to look at EVERY piece of food and decide whether or not i DESERVE to eat it. UGH! I HATE FEELING THIS WAY!