Going Public

Ok so Yes I went public again. It's been 2 months of being private and I am thinking that my family has forgotten. My family member that found out about my blog has NEVER said anything to me about it and so I'm not too worried anymore. I'll keep you posted if things have to go back private again for any reason.

I'm also wondering....does anyone out there know of any good eating disorder support groups online or blogs about people suffering from eating disorders. As much as all of you have helped me with the infertility/foster care stuff, I'm just wondering if there is anyone else out there with and ED that is blogging.

A quick update

Another appt at the EDI this morning. This time with the MD. She says I'm on a trend they don't like to see....(AKA - I'm still losing weight.) Since my first appt 3 weeks ago today, I have lost 4 1/2 lbs. Since my appt last week I have lost 1 1/2 lbs. The sad thing is that I LIKE IT! I found myself smiling when she told me that. I start seeing the psychiatrist weekly next week. The dietician biweekly. The md - monthly unless necessary more often. She said she will give me 3 1/2 more lbs to loose before we need to make some drastic changes (i.e. inpatient treatment). I looked at her and laughed...and just where does she think that fits in MY schedule????? I know I need to take care of myself and it really scares me to think about how happy I was that the scale had went down yet again. This is A LOT harder than I thought it would be. I went into treatment thinking that with someone else to talk to who truly understands, I could lick this thing in a hurry. That is not how things are working out and it's frustrating to me. I feel like all I've done for 3 days is eat and yet I've still lost 1 1/2 lbs. I'm GOING CRAZY! I walked out of the clinic this morning with another girl. We were making small talk about how long we had been going to the EDI and the whole time I was thinking....man I wish I was as skinny as you are! She was only about 5 feet tall though so I know that makes a difference (I'm 5'10") but still. Why am I so fixated on this this time? I just don't understand. Hubby actually sounded concerned when I talked to him after the appt today. I told him that I had lost another 1 1/2 lbs and see said, "But you have been eating better. Is there anything else wrong with you?" So I know it's not all in my head that I have been eating better - he has noticed it too. Maybe he is coming around on all this.

Well I was going to make this a quick update and it turned into a book. I gotta get back to work.

Ok, I'm brain dead

So I went to CUTE BLOGS but for the life of me I can't figure out how to change mine. Can someone help me???? I even tried to follow her directions and it didn't work. HELP ME!

A New Friend

Today I had lunch with a new blogger friend. I feel like I did a lot of talking and hopefully I didn't bore her to death! She is such a nice person and I look forward to getting to know her better. It's nice to "meet" people online that are going thru the same things as we are but to finally meet someone IRL, is soooo much better. Thank you for meeting me for lunch today!

Now Grandpa and Grandma are "mean" too

Well my brother and sister-in-law and their son came up to visit this weekend too! How fun...my parents get to see 3 of their kids/spouses and 6 of their 7 grandkids this weekend! :-)

However, my sweet little Emilee thinks Grandpa and Grandma are "MEAN" just like her mom and dad. The whole deal is that Emilee was not supposed to have fun this weekend. Well she DID NOT WANT TO GO WITH my brother "Tuffy" and his wife and son today because it would be "boring". But Tuffy and my parents agreed that Emilee should go with them because they don't see her very often and they could spend some quality time together. Oh, I feel so bad that she isn't happy today. NOT!

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Also, before they left my parents' house, my mom called me to say that Emilee was complaining of a headache and wanted some medicine right after my mom gave K some cough medicine. I told her to go ahead and give Emilee some but not the full amount that she should get according to the bottle and then tell Emilee to lay down and rest. Emilee was back up 5 times in 10 minutes that her headache was better.HMmmm...now did she really have a headache??? NOT! I'm getting so smart in my "old" age. LOL! ;p

"You're Mean"

Ok, so that's what Emilee had to say to Hubby last night when she got home and figured out that she wasn't going to friends' house to spend the night and JP got to go. On Thursday it seems my sweet Emilee decided to steal Uncle S's IPod and lie about it. Then she decided to throw a MAJOR fit in school and when her teacher reminded her that she was working towards a reward for the weekend, her response was "I don't care if you send a note home, I will get to go anyways". Sorry little girl, but that's not how it works. By the time I got home from work last night, she had calmed down and didn't say a thing to me about not getting to go to the friends' house and that JP got to go.

Then my sister and her hubby showed up with their 3 kids for us to watch. Then Emilee was glad she didn't go to friends' house because D, K and R were at our house. Too bad Emilee had to go to bed not long after that and didn't get to play too much. I'm so mean!

This morning she got up early and was a big help to me getting the other 3 ready so we could meet my parents in town for breakfast and leave the kids' with them while I came to work. She just doesn't get it that she didn't get to go because of her behavior and she isn't going to play and have fun. She's on restrictions this weekend. She is able to tell us why she didn't get to go to her friend's house but it doesn't seem to bother her. Who knows...we'll see how things go today at my parent's house as she is going to nap right along with the little kids' today.

Life

Well today I had my 2nd appts at the Eating Disorder Institute. I took my mom with me. Not sure if that was a good idea or not. They encouraged me to bring family/friend support so I did that. Mom listened to what they had to say and then on the way back to work here's what took place..

Me: I didn't mean to make you cry up there.

Mom: I know. I'm just worried about you.

Me: I'll be fine. I am taking the steps needed to get better. It's tough. I'm scared. But I know what needs to be done and I'm willing to work on it.

Mom: Well I know your issues aren't due to you thinking you are fat...they are stress related.

Me: Umm yeah you're right.

Didn't she listen to ANYTHING I had to say at the appt? Didn't she listen to ANYTHING the doc had to say??? UGH! I wasn't going to get into it with her then. I took her with. I won't do it again.

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On a separate note, I went back to my MD today (yes I spent 3 1/2 hrs in clinics today and still managed to work 9 hrs) and he doubled my depression meds. The last week has been VERY difficult. I'm not sure what is going on. I'm back to feeling how I did on no meds and I HATE FEELING THIS WAY!!!

BRRRRRR

My van said -40degrees on the way to work this morning! And that's not including the windchill! Noone should be out in this weather! And to top it off, Hubby came back up to the house this morning after TRYING to water the cows to tell me that our pressure tank in the well house was froze! NOT GOOD! Luckily, it's my afternoon off so I can get back home and help him work on that. I can't wait for SPRING!

Not much going on

Well there is not much going on in our lives. The kids' went to respite for the day last Saturday for the first time with the new family and it went very well. They didn't want to come home so we made another date for 2 weeks. :-)

I made an overnight respite plan with my daycare lady's daughter (my 3rd cousin to get technical) for this Friday night for BOTH KIDS!!! I'm sooooo excited. We've been trying to line this up for a while and FINALLY it will work out. Unfortunately I have to work on Sat but it will still give us Friday night with NO KIDS! K will pick the kids' up from daycare/school so I don't have to worry about that at all! Now what will we do with our alone time???? I see some snuggle time on the couch under a blanket in my future! (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)

Tomorrow I will be meeting another fellow IF blogger! I'm soooo excited for that too. Lunch here we come!

Gotta Love ND

So we are in for another storm this afternoon and tonight. YIPEE!!! At least this one is going to affect things tomorrow! :-) It's about time we get something during the week and not just ruining the weekends! LOL! 1-3 inches today with 3-5 more inches tonight! Yep...i'll be headed home before dark today.

For those of you living up here by me...stay warm and stay safe!

Thoughts

So we survived the blizzard like conditions that were upon on this past Saturday. We survived driving 30 miles South to pick up my sil and her friend and friends' daughter after they hit a pheasant and took out the radiator on my sil's vehicle Sat night in the yucky weather. (LONG STORY as to why they were even out on the road). Today is icky too. COLD, snow, windy. Winter Weather Advisory as they call it. Hubby said I have to follow him home tonight to be sure I can even get down our road. It's not nice in the country. ANyways, that's life. I wouldn't want to live in town.

So that brings me up to my thoughts that I have been having. As I said in an earlier post...I've been to the eating disorder institute in a nearby big city for an evaluation. Anorexia has been something that i have struggled with on and off since highschool. Last summer I weighed in 22 lbs more than what i weigh now. What scares me is that the first thing the first doc that I saw said to me was..."You understand that this will become part of your medical records. It is confidential but in the event that your medical records are ever subpoena'd by the courts, I will have to break confidentiality and they will be released". OK, I wanted to get up and walk out. This is my biggest fear. IF i consider going for treatment, what will that do to our chances of adopting? You always have to answer the question if you've ever been to a therapist or if you have ever doctored for any psychological issues? What do I do? So ok, once the stress passes, I may be able to gain back some of the weight I've lost. But what happens 2 years from now when I'm back in this situation? That's why I decided to go for help now. But do I really want help? I don't know. I hate this! I hate feeling this way. I'm sick of people telling me how good I look. I'm sick of people telling me to JUST EAT! I'm sick of Hubby telling me to JUST EAT! Last night we were cuddling on our bed watching tv. He layed his head on my stomach and then started whining about how uncomfortable he was. UGH! They lay on your pillow. I'm sick of people telling me they wish they had my problem and didn't want to eat. I wish I could look in a mirror and be happy about what I see. I wish I didn't have to look at EVERY piece of food and decide whether or not i DESERVE to eat it. UGH! I HATE FEELING THIS WAY!

Hubby isn't so out of it after all

This morning we were talking about cleaning out the bathroom closet of old/expired/unneeded cold medicines.

Hubby: We're gonna go thru the closet in our broom tonight

Me: Ok

Hubby: We can throw out all the infant stuff and teething meds

Me: Well if they're not expired, why throw them out??? You never know when we will get a call for an infant

Hubby: We're done.

Me: Done with What?

Hubby: I told you from day 1 that if Fostering EVER affected your health - then we would be done.

Me: Oh - we'll talk tonight.

Guess he's been paying attention. Depression + Visit to Eating Disorder Institute to discuss 20 lbs weight loss that I didn't have to loose = Affecting my Health.

Maybe this will all blow over???

Sad day...

Mom told me we had a death in the family today.....

Momma (my 17 yr old cat from when I was in Jr. High) hit my dad in the pickup today and was killed instantly. Yes you read that right - she ran into my dad's pickup this morning and hit her head on the wheel and she was killed instantly! :-( Her name was Momma but she had never had kittens. We just called her that and I have no idea why! This kitty had 9 lives.

She lived with us at my childhood home. Then with my grandparents while we moved. Then back at my parents lake home. Then with us while mom and dad moved again. THen at their farmstead. While living at the lake home with my parents, my mom had thought she had run over her and worried all day about coming home and having to bury my cat. She got home from work, buried the calico cat she had hit and 2 hrs later Momma came up to the door of the house and wanted in! It hadn't been Momma that she ran over (duh!).

I'm sad. It's weird. I know she was old and there were signs that her health was failing but SHE WAS MY CAT! Granted i have 8 cats at our farm now and stuff but it's still sad.

I guess it's the circle of life though, right? And mom's comment to me....How soon will you have kittens???? We need some here at the farm! Thanks mom! At least I know where to get rid of kittens this spring as with 7 female cats, we'll have PLENTY! Little does mom know...we've got a cat that is starting to look a little too plump for her own good at this time of year and our male cat who moved to the neighbors is back again so guess what will be at my house in the not too far off future!

The Meltdown

happened at Afterschool Program yesterday. Hubby got the call as I was at therapy and didn't take my phone with me. He had to leave work and go get her because they couldn't control her. She even tried to hit him. She wanted me to pick her up - not daddy. Too bad little girl...you don't get to vote. He was NOT HAPPY at all last night.

The scary part - i was sitting in therapy talking about how nervous I was worrying about when the shoe would drop and our good behavior would end. Man...if I had only known!

How sweet

I got home last night from work and Emilee had letter for me. It said..."I am sre four lst nit bt I stl love u mom".

She can be so darn cute and charming! but yes, it did melt my heart. Gotta love her!