What a neat experience

Ok, this may be hard to read for some people so this is your warning...

My good friend K and her hubby B have invited me to be a part of their pregnancy. I am invited to all doc appts and this morning I got to be there with them for their first ultrasound. WOW! Although this is tough for me in the fact that I wish it was me experiencing all of what she is going thru, I know that isn't possible and I'm happy for K&B. They are great people. They have a 4 yr old son R. This means so much. I've only known K for about 5 years so for her and B to open up this very important part of their lives and include me, well it's beyond words. It's not like we grew up together or anything and for her to offer this to me is beyond words that I can express.

Last week I went to her appt with the doc and got to hear the heartbeat. That was neat also but to actually see the baby today was so wonderful. I am so thankful to her that she has given me this opportunity.

Never having this experience before I am just amazed. It actually brought tears to my eyes to watch the ultrasound. To see this little person who is only the size of a large grape and yet the arms/legs/face is all there. we got to see a close up of the face and it looked like he/she was smiling at us. :-) They have chosen to not find out what the baby is until he/she is born but both B & I think we saw/didn't see what was/wasn't there. I'm not going to say what I think I saw/didn't see just because I want to wait for now.

Ok, so as happy as I am to be a part of this and as thankful as I am to them for allowing me to be there every step of the way..it is still hard. Don't get me wrong, I can't just shut off the jealousy etc that I feel when I look at pregnant women. It hurts. It hurts a lot but I know this is the closest that I will ever come to experiencing "being" pregnant so I am working VERY hard to put the hard/jealous feelings aside and be happy. Today when we got to the clinic though, there were 2 other women there who were VERY pregnant and that was like a knife thru my heart. K isn't showing yet - she's about 20 weeks - so it hasn't been too hard. Other than hearing the heartbeat and now seeing the baby....if you didn't know she was preggers - you wouldn't know. I think it may become more and more difficult for me as she starts to show and I will then have to really think about what they are giving me thru this process.

So then comes the question, how do I ever say THANK YOU enough to them for what they are allowing me to be a part of? I know they don't expect anything...they are just WONDERFUL people giving someone a gift that otherwise wouldn't be. But I feel like I need to come up with a way to thank them. My hubby thinks it's gross that I want to be involved in all this. Maybe it is. Maybe you guys think it is gross too. Who knows and frankly...I guess you could say who cares if you do? I will admit...I'm nervous about being there at delivery. It's just such a personal moment and I plan to step out of the room and let them have that family time.

So anyways...I hope you don't mind but from time to time I will probably be using this blog to talk about my feelings along this journey of my life.

New school

is going GREAT! I would NEVER have thought that I would be excited to see my 5 yr old come home with homework but at least now I know they are making him TRY. Last night he came home with 3 papers that said "Please finish & return, Thanks. Mrs. H.". I got to see his efforts! I am so proud of him. Yes he is struggling at the simplest tasks (or what I think should be simple to a 5 yr old) but then again....he's not 5 developmentally and after I remind myself of that...he's doing GREAT!

I only hope he doesn't have a lot of homework tonight as I am stuck here at work until 8pm. Then it's pick him up at daycare and get home by 8:45pm. Put him straight to bed and if he does have homework, I'll have to get him up early in the am to do it.

I seriously need to find a job with better hours. It hasn't been too busy here today so I've been doing a lot of figuring. I only NEED to bring home about 1/2 of what i make for us to "play" with. We can make ends meet on Hubby's income and any foster care check is just bonus and we are beginning to start the kids' some savings accounts with part of that money. I will need to keep my eyes open on our local job service website to see what I can dig up.

Working so many hours is really taking a toll on me and plus I'm just not happy with my job right now. A lot is going on and policies are changing without employee's knowledge (I don't think they can do this legally can they???) and well I'm getting screwed (and not even getting to enjoy it). I miss my kids!

I don't want this to turn into a ranting rage so I'll end it here for now. Happy Friday to all tomorrow! Big plans for the weekend???? Emilee turns 7 on Sunday so big party planned for Sat for her. SHould be fun.

Family Pic

****Sorry for those of you that didn't see the pic. If you want to see it - send me an email and I will email it to you. Just don't feel comfortable leaving it out here any longer.


Ok...I don't really want to do this but I couldn't resist it. We finally got a family picture that turned out so nice. You can't even see the scars on hubby's head. He's hiding his left hand cause his fingers are still bandaged up. At least he can finally fit his wedding ring on again though. :-)I'm only going to leave it here for a day or so and then it will be gone so enjoy.

We had a fun weekend at the NDFPA convention. On Sunday we visited a local Pumpkin Patch with Hubby's sis & family and that's where we took this pic. It was sooo cold! Ok, I know I live in ND but we didn't dress for the weather this weekend. It was in the 80's where we live but the 40's where we were (4 hrs away). YUCK!

Hope all had a great weekend & here's to a good week ahead.

Foster Parents are under paid....

Fosterabba over at Navigating the Maze posted a link to an AP article regarding how foster parents are under paid. One of our local newspapers ran a similar article today and i really found it interesting where ND fit in the picture. You really should check out where your state ranks.

If you haven't read the article - Read it here.

We fit in the "Needs increases of 51-75 percent to meet minimum rate"

Although I knew we were WAY UNDERPAID, I can say that the
percentage did surprise me. Now i think ...maybe we should move to say....D.C. or Arizona?? Not really...I'm 100% country girl and LOVE living on the farm...but let's pay us what we are worth! It's still cheaper than having these kids in institutions somewhere.

Hmmmmm....why is there only 6 families TOTAL in our
county that do care?

I'd have to agree with Fosterabba....that a big DUH.

We are going to our state convention this weekend....I sure hope this is on top of the list of subjects to cover during the business meeting portion of the convention!

Psych Evals and changing schools

We got the kids' psych evals back this past Monday. I wasn't supposed to see them as the person who did them wanted to discuss them with me in person before I saw them (I'm meeting with her tomorrow am) but my nice sw from our local office made copies and brought them to me. Nothing too big of a surprise in them.

Emilee - RAD/ODD/PTSD/ADHD/Receptive-Expressive Language Disorder. Rule out Bi-polar, Rule out Sexual Abuse and a few other things. We knew of RAD and we suspect Sexual Abuse to some degree. The rest although we didn't know about it is not a surprise. The have her at the developmental age of 4 1/2. (She will be seven in 2 weeks). Academically - she is VERY BRIGHT. She has no problems with her school work or with learning to read etc. Socially/emotionally - 4 1/2 does make sense to us. They also want a medication consultation to be done.

JP - ADHD/Recept-Express lang disorder/Reactive Attachment Disruption and a few others that I can't remember. He is developmentally at the age of 3yrs 3 months. This is no surprise to us. It also states in his that he is having issues in school with becoming frustrated at the work and pace they are moving at. He has been bringing home books that he is supposed to be able to read based on the picture above the word and he hasn't been able to do a single word. They also are wanting a medication consultation done with Jacob.

Here's my thoughts....(inset email sent to SW yesterday)
Mainly our concerns are with JP and school. We’ve had thoughts all along that he was more like a 3 yr old than a 5 yr old and like I've said, we fully expect to repeat Kindergarten again next year as I don’t think he is truly ready for it. We have been afraid that he may be getting too frustrated with the work/speed at which they are moving in Kindergarten and that we are maybe doing damage in the aspect of frustrating him more that he doesn’t know/understand what is being asked of him than we are doing good having him in normal Kindergarten? Now that we have it in black and white that he is functioning at a 3yr old level, are we asking too much of him? We are told he is getting speech and yet we are now 6 weeks into school and no speech has been started for him.

I guess a thought we had is would it be possible to get him into _________'s (town that I work in) Developmental Kindergarten class that moves at a much slower speed than normal kindergarten. Would this be a better fit for his needs/abilities? We had a foster son in this class in 2005/2006 so I know a little about how the class works. They teach the same things as normal kindergarten, just much slower and the kids are not required to KNOW everything..it’s just mainly to introduce them to everything. Then they have a Jr. 1st grade that they go to next year. Then 1st grade the year after. What our thoughts are is that if it would be possible to get him into this class for the rest of this year, then have him repeat Kindergarten next year in ___________(school district we live in) and maybe things would go better for him????

Another thought is what about some sort of pre-school or headstart again vs Kindergarten. This would be our thoughts only if Developmental Kindergarten is not an option.

So now I put it to you out there. What do you think? Do you think we may do even more harm in moving him? He never talks about friends in his class or anything and even when I ask him to name his friend in school, he can't. I'm not too worried about him moving schools from a making friends standpoint, but how do we explain it to him in a way he MIGHT understand??? How do we tell Emilee? This is not going to be easy.

I have actually already talked with the school district here in town where i work and they have room for him and he can start next monday. They said he could start tomorrow but I think that is too much for him to handle. Developmental K is also going to be 5 days a week vs his M-W, every other Friday schedule he is on now. I think this schedule of every day will be better for him. He gets SOOOOO confused as to whether or not he is supposed to go to school today or does he go to daycare?

So tell me your thoughts....I know this is a decision we have to make but HELP ME!!!!

Somebody Said....

Ok I just had to copy this from No Swimmers in the Tubes... who just had to copy this from another blog, Bella Vida.

It's so beautiful, sad, but most of all...true.
Somebody Said......* written by Unknown

Somebody said "Just adopt; you'll get pregnant." This somebody doesn't know how it feels to try to figure out where to get the money for an adoption.

Somebody said "If it is meant to be, it will happen." This somebody never cried walking past the diaper section at the grocery store.

Somebody said "You've got more time to spend together--be thankful." This somebody never stayed up until two in the morning arguing about ovulation charts.

Somebody said "Just relax and it will happen." Somebody never had their doctor tell them that after the age of 30, chances of becoming pregnant decrease significantly.

Somebody said "You shouldn't complain about something that you can't control." This somebody never wondered whose eyes and hair color the baby would have and then never found out.

Somebody said " You have more time to get a better education now." Somebody doesn't know what a short luteal phase is or what polycystic ovarian syndrome is or an irregular cycle or what male factor is.

Somebody said "You cant miss something you never had." This somebody doesn't know what its like to cry him or herself to sleep in an empty nursery.

Somebody said "You should try reading some books; there's got to be something else you can try." This somebody never tried standing on her head or drinking cough syrup when she's not sick.

Somebody said "Take one of my kids, I don't need them all." This somebody never tried to adopt, only to have the birth mother change her mind.

Somebody said "I'd sell everything I owned to get kids if I had to." This somebody never had to.

Somebody said "The hardest part of not having kids is not getting the tax deduction." This somebody never started her period at a baby shower.

Somebody said "A career is more important than being a mother." This somebody never wanted to be a mom.

Somebody said "If you don’t have kids, you're not missing anything." This somebody never went through infertility.

Wow...I want to print this out and give to people some of these people to read. I know some people mean well, but come on...let's think before you speak!

After I read this, it got me thinking about our journey and every step along the way when we have heard these comments from people.

VENTING BELOW - Beware!

MY SISTER! She really drives me nuts some times. So I was supposed to have her 2 oldest this weekend. Then she was coming up on Sat or Sun with the new baby and to pick up the other 2. On Friday she called my mom and told her that my brother was on his way up to pick up the kids. She NEVER even had the guts to call and tell me. She had my mom do it when I called her Friday afternoon to check on JP.

Then she tells my mom that she wants to stay at our house this coming weekend when she comes up for my mom's knee surgery. Ummm maybe you should check with me first. We won't even be home this weekend as it is the NDFPA Convention this weekend and we will be gone to it Friday -Sunday.

Well I guess she's not looking for a baby gift from me anytime soon. Good thing I didn't buy her clothes. I got her some baby wipes and a blanket and some infant mittens. Now who knows when I will see this little sweetpea. UGH - she makes me so mad sometimes!

Plus if she had just called me on Friday - i would have brought her kids down to her on Sat and then I could have seen the baby then. But I wasn't going to make the trip 2 hours down there when I wasn't even good enough to call on Friday to say that the kids weren't staying with me. (Yes my jealous infertility side is kicking in now!). If she wants to be a brat - I can play her game. (Shame on me but I can't help how I am feeling right now).